After years of trying to conceive, adopting parents are so often disappointed they feel they may never find a child. They suspect they are competing with everyone else looking to adopt and worry they may not find the child they are looking for.  Anxiety, impatience, frustration, doubt, and even anger can overshadow the adoption process.

Starting the process is like visiting a place you have never been before. You need time to learn the new language and adjust to the new climate and terrain.  Suddenly you are a neophyte and you need someone to guide you. For some, giving up control of the process is scary and intimidating. For others, it is a welcome relief to have someone else steer the adoption.

Luckily, there are many "guides" to help you navigate. Social workers, counselors, attorneys, doctors, and a host of agency personal will educate and lead you. They provide information on the legal process for domestic and international adoption. They review medical information and provide ongoing pediatric care. They offer emotional support and education on adoptive family issues before, during, and after the adoption. They focus on finding the right home for a particular child and finding a solution “in the best interests of the child."

You will be a major part of the team. You will come to know more about adoption than most. And after the adoption you will become the major advocate for your child. You will be the gatekeeper of information and will decide what and when to tell what you know. You will be the initial decision-maker on what information about the adoption process you want to share with family members, friends, and others. You will guide babysitters, teachers, and others on how to present and deal with adoption issues in your child’s world. You will teach your child how to share appropriate information:  when to talk and when to keep information private. It is important to keep communication with your child open when it comes to adoption since you will want to be the one turned to when she wants or needs more information or assistance in searching for the birth family.

As a social worker and mother through adoption, I have walked the walk and talked the talk. I know that how we become a family does not go away with the finalization of the adoption. My daughters are 21 and 24 years old. There are still days that adoption is more on our minds. Through consultations, homestudies and post placement visits, as well as education and support groups, I continue to help others navigate the road to adoption and day-to-day parenting.  

 You will want to do everything you can to help your child grow and develop. Just as you had to acknowledge and accept adoption as part of your journey to becoming a parent, your role as a parent is helping your child integrate adoption into their identity. You are in the best position to help your child understand the early years. As part of this process, over time, you may need to revisit the reasons you pursued adoption, the adoption process itself, relationships with birth parents, and the child’s welcome into your family. With assistance before, during, and after the adoption process, you will be ready.

After adopting, many parents say, “the right child found me.” Cultures around the world express a view on fate and destiny. Chinese and Japanese people believe in the red string of fate, and red threads of destiny and fate. Russian people have avos' (русское авось), the attitude that treats life as unpredictable and counts on luck. People of Jewish heritage say things are “beshert” (inevitable, preordained, or meant to be).

To those parenting, you already know the feeling. To those waiting, know your child will find you. They are meant to be your children. No one knows how or why. We just know it was meant to be.

 Kathy  Ann Brodsky, LCSW, has been Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA since 1992. For more than 28 years, Ametz has helped singles and couples before and during the adoption process; as well as in  the day-to-day living once you adopt. Services include adoption pre/post homestudies, consultations,  educational workshops, support groups, an annual conference, and Professional Training Institute. Kathy is an Advisory Board Member of AFA, was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001, and is the main contributor to Ametz’s monthly e-news. She formed her family through adoption. Kathy can be reached at   or www.jccany.org/ametz. You can also follow her on TWITTER http://twitter.com/ KathyAnnBrodsky.