My daughter doesn't pick up after herself. Those TV shows about hoarders scare the crap out of me because her room looks a little bit like that. My son is much more meticulous. But sometimes, it's hard for us to find common ground in our conversations, that's just the way it is right now. And many days, I just get very, very tired.
On other days I am energized, invigorated, but not by family so much as by my job. I work from home and often when the kids burst in from school, they are bursting in on a very productive but all consuming work day for me, bursting in on my consciousness when what I really want is to be writing, having a relationship with my computer, and not with them.
My IVF twins.
Whom I love.
Struggled to Conceive.
And who sometimes annoy the crap out of me and I wish they'd just go away, for five minutes, ten, just twenty more minutes.
I saw this video today and I sobbed my heart out. I remembered how desperately I struggled to have these babies, how much I longed for them, how much I bargained with God for them and promised to be The Perfect Mother Always. I remembered.
I love my babies, now fifteen years old. I love them, my always babies and I am grateful. And I wanted to share my honest heart that sometimes? No matter how much you wanted and loved them and all of the rest of it, sometimes, the mom gig, especially the single mom gig, can truly get to you. And you just feel tired. And you know that all of those younger, beautiful women out there who read your words on this page and are currently TTC, will think you're a monster, a brat, a sham for feeling this way.
I wanted to post this today so I would stop myself short the next time my beautiful daughter wants to show me her new aerobics routine and all I can think about is a writing deadline, to remember that life has a deadline too.
I wanted to share this video with you, so that you would remember too. And for those of you who find that these lyrics rip you to shreds because you are not there yet, remember, you will make it there. You will make it too.