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The American Fertility Association Blog

A Message From The Acting Executive Director

June 6, 2008 - Friday
Posted by Ken

August 13, 2004 – I remember the day well. Our marriage was declared null and void by the State of California.

We weren’t alone. Others received the same notice that we did. We were part of a few thousand gay and lesbian couples who were married at City Hall in San Francisco, when Mayor Gavin Newsom took a bold stance for marriage equality.

Having the state tell us that our marriage wasn’t worth the paper it was written on wasn’t unexpected, but it was shocking nonetheless.

Though we had been together for 10 years, those seven months or so had felt different. We began talking about what it meant to be married, to have that piece of paper that said we were bound – in the very best way – to each other. Yes, we had a commitment ceremony at our church, and yes, we knew we were married in the eyes of God, but that damned piece of paper and what it represented – the rights and privileges the we had only dared to dream that we might one day possess – meant more than we could have imagined.

And then there were the practical benefits that our straight counterparts never had to think about. We couldn’t travel without carrying all of our documents with us: durable powers of attorney, both medical and legal, and our wills. Why? Because, should an emergency befall one of us, our 10 year relationship would be considered nothing more than a “friendship” at the Emergency Room, and we would have absolutely no say in each others care, and no right to be present with each other, even if one of us was dying.

May 15, 2008 - The California Supreme Court strikes down the ban on so-called “gay marriage.” Another day I will remember extremely well. A moderately conservative Republican majority court went so far as to declare that any law that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation will be constitutionally suspect. It was a spectacular day for human rights, human dignity and human justice.

Chief Justice Ronald M. George, writing for the majority, stated “Our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation. An individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.”

For gay and lesbian couples with children, or wishing to have children, this is fantastic news. It means that as a married couple they will automatically have co-equal parental rights. It means that they will have access to health insurance for an adopted child from the time it is placed in their home, not the average of six months later, when the adoption is final. This is something that married, heterosexual couples never had to contend with.

It means that estate planning and probate law, both of which are state-based, will now apply equally to gay and lesbian married couples. Children will have dependant rights from both dads and both moms, and there will be no concern about inheritance issues.

In short, marriage will confer what it is intended to confer: security for the couple and protection for their children.

Unfortunately, being a married gay couple will still not be equal to being a married straight couple, because the rights and responsibilities conferred from a federal level will not apply. So things such as survivor benefits from social security and Cobra (continuing employer health insurance after a job loss), are only available to one man, one woman marriages. Registered domestic partners in California have been able to file joint state tax returns for the past year, and this right will continue as marriage for same gender couples becomes legal. But state-based marriage equality will not allow for joint federal tax filing, creating another layer of paperwork for gay and lesbian couples.

But it is a great start and a great day for all families. Children of married gay parents will now have a vocabulary in common with their friends who have opposite gender parents. They can say their parents are married – literally – and mean it. That common language cannot be underestimated. It will be heard by children when married gay parents talk to married straight parents. Terms like husband and wife will become orientation-neutral.

I was also struck by hearing one child say he loved Family Week—an annual gathering of 2,000 primarily LGBT parents and their kids — because for one time every year, his family was just like other families. Last week’s decision in California is going to have a profound impact on this child and thousands of other children. The gender of their parents will become less of an issue over time, and we all will be able to look at families through a different lens: one that focuses on love, commitment, generosity and kindness, and time spent with children, more than sexual orientation or gender.

May 15, 2008 was a very good day, indeed. It was, at its very heart, a day that expanded the rights of, and protections for, children. And that is something that should make all of us, gay and straight alike, very happy.

Until next time,

Ken Mosesian
Acting Executive Director

Categories
Gay and Lesbian Family Building • LGBT • Marriage

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