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The American Fertility Association Blog
Super Tuesday - Are You Voting For Your Family?
February 4, 2008 - Monday
Posted by Stuart
Today, when voters from 24 states go to the polls to select the candidates who will represent the major parties in the next election, I’m thinking about how direct our democracy is. I’m thinking about how I voted by absentee ballot for the people who represent my family’s best interests. Not just the family I have at this moment, but the one I’ll have in three weeks when my son is due to be delivered, and the one I reserve the right to have in the future.
As one-half of a gay couple with our first child ready to be born through the amazing assistance of an egg donor and surrogate, I’m keenly aware of the huge strides we’ve made in legalizing many types of family formation. At the same time, I’m acutely conscious of how all that progress could be taken away with the stroke of a pen or the judgment of a court.
That’s why I know deep in my bones that my vote makes a difference. Yours does too.
I suppose it all came home last week I was at lunch with a friend who told me she was voting for one of the candidates who I think is probably the worst on many of the issues that the AFA stands for. I was a little upset at my friend, the mother of two children via surrogacy, for not factoring in reproductive and family building rights into her candidate selection criteria.
Now while I’m gay, and she’s straight, I realized then and there, this isn’t about the politics of sexual orientation. This is about the threats to the basic human right to have family. This is about the threat to assisted reproductive medicine that could wipe out our choice to freeze embryos and to dispose of unused ones according to our individual moral codes. This is about fending off constant challenges to selective reduction, egg donation, genetic diagnosis, surrogacy and gamete donation. And we’ve got to be alert and educated because sometimes the assaults are obvious and sometimes, as in the Colorado push to confer the legal rights of personhood on a fertilized egg, stealthy. We take many of these rights for granted but each of these has come under attack in the last few years.
When I read the papers, listen carefully to the platforms of various candidates, I do know we’ve got to be grounded enough to vote for those who will stand up for the essential right to create family in the ways that are suitable to us. Not according to the ideological dictates of a given administration. But according to our individual hearts.
Knowing just how fragile our family buiding rights are, I believe that this next election is crucial. The results will have a profound impact on our future and that of succeeding generations. I’m voting with all of that in mind. All I can say is I hope you will too.
Stuart Miller
Co-Chair
American Fertility Association
Categories
Adoption •
Egg Donation •
Family Building •
Surrogacy
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World’s Oldest Mom….and The Media
December 13, 2007 - Thursday
Posted by Pamela
So...Marian del Carmen Bousada de Lara became the world’s oldest mother when she gave birth in Spain to twins, just before her 67th birthday last year.
The birth of her twins incited world commentary. How old is too old for women to have children? And I have given so many interviews on this subject that I have long ago lost count!
All of this is complicated. First of all, there are the health concerns for a woman who is well past what human biology thought was a reasonable age for child birth. Mother nature is not a feminist...she likes us to have our children young...we get less fertile with age. And for a post menopausal women to give birth, she is using donor eggs. These pregnancies take all that we have to offer in reproductive medicine and obstetrical care. They are not simple, everyday occurrences.
And yes, it is true that men have been fathering children well into their senior years for a long time...and well...that is complicated too! First of all, their part in human reproduction is rather limited....if you know what I mean.....the sixty year old man is not having to carry the child for nine months and then give birth!
But we now know that older men fathering children late in life can have health consequences for the child.
So...while all of this is personal choice and personal risk....men have to really think about their health of their possible offspring if they father children late in life....
Once we get past the physical issues...then we get to the emotional and “moral” issues...the question of is this “right”? Should women be allowed to use medical technology at any age to have a child? Is it fair to the child?
This is where it gets dicey. And I do not claim to know the right answers....Marian del Carmen Bousada de Lara has cancer...she is very ill. That is the story that just hit the paper...so now protesters get to say..."See...the children will have no Mother! That is what happens when you let people do what they want! No one thought of the child here!”
Well...life is complicated and unpredictable at best for all of us. Unfortunately, I know of young strong women that have died in child birth...and young women who have been cut down by cancer at every stage of their child’s life. Should fear of the future stop any of us for living fully? And often young couples do not have wills....or previsions made for their children because they believe in the power of youth. I would imagine that couples who under take building their families at a much later stage in life are more seasoned about the world...and are more likely to put in place guardians..money...wills...intention for the child’s well being if they are not there to raise them…
I gave an interview yesterday to ABC On Line on this very subject. Doing media is so hit and miss...sometimes they get what you are saying...and sometimes they don’t.
I wasn’t thrilled with my quotes on this one...the reporter was asking me questions about the kids...and their welfare...and I basically said that all kinds of people raise children successfully. That using one measure of a successful parent simply does not work..that all kinds of people with all kinds of life limitations are parents. And that youth does not necessarily imply good parenting or longevity!
I also talked about the use of donor eggs being another issue for the child...but somehow that got mixed up in some quote about the child being embarrassed by a older mother....and that was not the intention of what I was saying at all....but that is show biz. What I was saying is that donor egg kids often have separate issues to work through that will have nothing to do with the age of the parent.
And what I do know...is that people that go to extraordinary measures to have children are bringing children into this world consciously. These are kids that are wanted so badly...so much love and thought...and caring is extended to bringing them into the world and many of us are not created that way at all! Many of us are created without a thought in the world!
And are we debating that?
Have a great weekend,
Pamela
Categories
Adoption •
Egg Donation
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Waiting For Babies….
November 18, 2007 - Sunday
Posted by Pamela
I have spent the better part of twelve years waiting for babies.
I have hoped for, waited for and welcomed my sister’s son, (conceived through IVF), my two boys (GIFT and IVF), my sister-in-laws two sons after five years of repeated miscarriages and, through the years, countless others who have entered the families of those I care about. I have listened to the myriad stories of the obstacles overcome and the fears challenged that did not stop so many in their pursuit of all the various means of family building that were available to them.
Infertility has permeated the lives of my family, my closest friends and my neighbors. Since I began my work as a patient advocate, my family of friends who are infertile has expanded, and the waiting for babies has continued. I was recently in a book store where I saw an “advent” type calendar for a typical waiting period for a child. It was only nine months long! If only that was true for all of us! The waiting, for the infertile, can be an endless circle beginning with hope, turning to disappointment, and then back to hope again. And this is how we wait.
I have waited with two very good friends for their babies. One of them is my oldest friend who I have loved since I was small. We have gotten into trouble together, we have double-dated together, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding. Infertility is something we never planned to do together, but it became yet another tie that bound us together. We shared doctors, did IVF cycles together, compared estrodials, and said “I know” to each other a lot. And mostly we waited to be mommies together. My children arrived first, and we waited together for her pain to end. I have a beautiful picture of her holding my son Spencer at his bris, her eyes shining, holding the secret, still unknown, of her pregnancy.
My other friend was at the time, my newest; the special kind that finds you when you aren’t looking. We met through volunteering on a infertility related committee together. She was looking for a birth mother. I listened and learned about the world of private adoption: advertising, resumes, portable adoption phones that ring in movie theaters, and birth mothers who can change their mind. I heard her voice the same insecurities we all feel when we want something so much and fear that somehow we are doing something wrong that will prevent what we want most from entering our lives. And we waited together for her pain to end. On a beautiful morning, the phone rang, my friend said to me, “Pam, you would never believe what has happened!” And she welcomed her baby home.
I have waited for many babies. I am waiting now. The pain can end, the beginnings can happen. I am waiting with you.
Pamela Madsen
Categories
Egg Donation •
IVF •
Pregnancy Loss
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Whose Story Is This Anyway?
November 13, 2007 - Tuesday
Posted by Stuart
Our industry is engaging in serious conversations around disclosure issues for children born through sperm and egg donation. As the CEO of a surrogacy and egg donation company, I am involved in these conversations almost daily with both professionals and clients.
But, it is also personal as my partner and I are 28 weeks pregnant with our son through the assistance of an egg donor and surrogate.
We have heard every opinion about this issue—most laced with quite a bit of judgment. One close friend who is also the father of three children through surrogacy and egg donation actually “scolded” me for disclosing to our friends and family who the sperm donor is. “You are taking away the child’s right to tell their own story and that is not right,” he said.
But, my parents never asked me if I wanted it disclosed that they had created me with my father’s sperm and my mother’s egg—and, horrors, that they actually had sex to do it! So, whose story is this anyway?
My partner and I are a mixed-race couple. He is African American and I am white—some would say pale! We decided that we wanted our child to be a reflection of both of us so we picked a white donor who has some resemblance to me and used my partner’s sperm. For us, it was an easy decision and one which we are proud of.
We decided to share this with everyone as neither of us believes that it makes one bit of difference in who the “parents” are. Let’s face it, like many people, we needed help in creating our family and we want to make sure that our child understands that he was created with love and thoughtfulness.
As gay men, we endured shame in our own lives and we certainly don’t want our child feeling any shame for how he was created. We want him to know and celebrate his story.
So, are we ruining our child’s life? I sure hope not. But, I am sure there may be a day when he looks at me and says, “You aren’t my real daddy,” and that will break my heart a bit. But, I will look right in his eyes and tell him I love him and that I am his real daddy, and that he is a very lucky young man to have one that loves him as much as I do.
For all of you out there struggling with this issue, I encourage you to stay engaged in the conversation. And, as the Co-Chair of the American Fertility Association, I will promise you that we’ll stay engaged in the conversation with you as well—and do so without judgment.
All the best,
Stuart Miller
Co-Chair
American Fertility Association
Categories
Egg Donation •
Surrogacy
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Dream Catcher Child
October 23, 2007 - Tuesday
Posted by Pamela
I never envisioned myself the mother of boys. When I used to imagine my child, I would picture a little dark haired girl. Sometimes, I would see her in glimpses, holding someone else’s hand. She would have a page-boy hair cut and look a little Asian. I had a long time to imagine and long for this imaginary child.
During the height of my infertility, I used to picture this little child, and tell her why I wanted her so much. I told her what a good mother and father she would have, if she would just be born. I shared my dreams with her. I looked in shop windows at little pink things that I might buy for her. She was my child of hope.
I came across a passage in a novel I was reading recently. It struck an unexpected chord in me, and I was reminded of my “infertility child”. Scottish sisters-in-law who lived in the 1700’s are talking late at night. One is a new mother, with her child at her breast. The new mother was explaining to her sister about how she talked to her baby before the child was born.
“You can talk to a babe, you know. You can tell them anything. You can pour out your soul to them without choosing your words or keeping anything back at all. And that’s a comfort to the soul. I have often wondered if that’s why women are so often sad, once the child is born,” she said meditatively, as though thinking aloud. “Ye think of them while ye talk, and you have a knowledge of them as they are inside ye, the way you think they are. And then they’re born and they’re different - not the way you thought of them inside, at all. And ye love them of course, and get to know them the way they are… but still there is the thought of the child ye once talked to in your heart, and that child is gone. So I think it’s the grievin’ for the child unborn that you feel, even as ye hold the born one in your arms.” And she paused and kissed the downy head of her daughter. “Yes, before....it’s all possibility. It might be a son, or a daughter. A plain child, a bonny one. And then it’s born, and all the things it might have been are gone, because now it is. And a daughter is born, and the son that she might have been is dead,” she said quietly. “And the bonny lad at your breast has killed the wee lassie ye thought you carried. And ye weep for what you didn’t know, and that’s gone for good, until you know the child you have, and then at last it’s as though they could never have been other than they are, and you feel naught but joy in them. But until then, you weep easy.”
The child unknown is an issue for many of those struggling with infertility. The child of infertility for you, may be the child you lost through miscarriage or stillbirth. The child you talked to in your heart may be the one you have to say goodbye to before you are able to pursue adoption or third party reproduction. And like me, you might be surprised to find that you did not or might not, give birth to the baby you were talking to for so long.
I sit on my couch, and watch an old family video of my little family when they were younger. I see two beautiful blond haired boys. Not Asian in appearance, but rather Nordic. Tyler the five year old is actually hugging his little brother and shouts “Family Hug Time”. I watch myself in the video, gathering my treasures in my arms.
Treasures that were buried deep and almost lost. I sniff their hair and kiss their eyelids. I can see the look of wonderment on my own much younger face...it is as though I am thanking the heavens for these boys that are are so real and finally here.
I am caught by the thought of that little girl, so different, that child of my infertility dreams. I think of her, as I watch myself in the midst of solid, sturdy arms wrapped tightly around my neck. And I bless her for keeping me company and giving me hope. Her image challenged me to find some inner strength. In my mind’s eye, she asked me to find her. And I did. In two little boys.
Until Tomorrow,
Pamela
Categories
Adoption •
Donor Sperm •
Egg Donation •
Fertility •
Gestational Carrier •
Infertility •
Pregnancy Loss •
Surrogacy
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