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The American Fertility Association Blog

Say Yes to the Dress – And To Your Fertility

July 9, 2009 - Thursday
Posted by admin

My daughter Caitlin and I routinely watch a TV show on cable called “Say Yes to the Dress”.  This is not the most comfortable show for me to watch, given that I’m an, ahem, divorced 53 year old, because it chronicles the buying angst of brides to be at Kleinfeld’s – The Most Famous Wedding Dress Emporium of Modern Times. 

You know, it’s funny.  My own mother did not get married in a wedding dress.  She married my dad on an army base in Maryland during WWII while he was on leave from the Pacific, wearing a blue skirt suit and a smile.  What’s ironic about that is, my mom’s two sisters both had big weddings.  They wore gowns that had “mermaid tails”  - (as I’ve learned from watching “Yes”), and accordion players, and lots of guests, and some kind of kosher food that I don’t know what it was that they served in the forties.  But in retrospect, you know what my mom’s sisters didn’t have that my mother did?  Amazing, everlasting, real love. 

My mom didn’t get the big dress.  But she got the big love.

Also, it would appear that my mom got PCOS.  Of course it was never diagnosed in those days, but it is pretty obvious to me now, what the deal was for her then.  She didn’t get pregnant for 14 years and had basically decided that the whole mother thing wasn’t in the cards for her.  Like so many of her generation (they were called The Greatest Generation, did you know that?), my mom just sucked up whatever obstacles life threw at her . She persevered and chose a great life for herself and for my dad too, despite any disappointments that she might feel. 

And then out of nowhere, the way it sometimes, every now and then happens for women with pco, she found herself pregnant.  Like so many women with this lousy disorder who never get a period she didn’t realize she was pregnant for five months, and then a doctor simply felt her belly and told her she had “ a little bun in the oven.” 

My parents were very lucky.  Their marriage would have survived forever, even with no kids.  Unfortunately, my dad died young, at 46, but my mom survived that too.

I don’t know.  Maybe it’s my generation and the ones that followed us.  Maybe not.  But you would have to live on another planet to not see the toll that infertility takes on married couples today.  I don’t know why but in these crazy times, in this crazy world, it seems like marriages don’t persevere as well as they did in generations past, especially in the face of bone crushing heartache.  I don’t know if that’s a better or a worse fate ( I really don’t) but I do know that in this day and age we have so many more choices than those that came before us and therefore, so many more disappointments. 

One more treatment to try, one more possibility for adoption.  On and on, seemingly without end. 

No end in sight.  But for many, no baby either.

I don’t really know why.  But I do know that the divorce rate seems to be higher for those who have gone through infertility treatment, resolved or not, than for the general population in our country. 

So here’s the deal.  The AFA will be talking a lot about infertility prevention for couples, and especially for newlyweds, over the next several months and into 2010.  Of course, we are always here for people when they are in the thick of it.  But if we can help prevent it?  We want to try to do that. 

That’s a good thing, and it’s important to us. 

The AFA is launching an initiative specifically geared towards young men and women who have fallen in love, and chosen to marry.  lt hits a little close to the bone for me and I hope it does for you too.  Like everything else that we at The AFA do, this one counts. 

So I hope I can count on you when I call.

Corey
Ben and Ruth’s kid      

Categories
Adoption • Fertility Preservation • Infertility • PCOS

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News Alert: There Are 50 States & Michael Jackson’s Children Were Born in Only One – California

July 2, 2009 - Thursday
Posted by admin

California is one of the only states that permits the intent of the parent(s) to govern their parental rights, so that the intended parent (or intended parents) are listed as the legal parents on the birth certificate, regardless of biological connection, so long as this intent is formalized in an agreement/consent.

I, like all of us, have been intently watching the news involving Michael Jackson and his children, yet what amazes me is that lawyers on TMZ and other national news outlets are declaring that Michael “never formally adopted the children.”  Therefore, he must not be the father of these children…..And, they then ask, who are the parents of these children? 

Well, guess what?  He is the father – no adoption required in this case no matter if he is the biological father or not, which appears to be the case for all three children.  In California, surrogacy law is very clear as to who is the parent, regardless of biological connection, based upon intent.  We can only guess at the facts in this case, but a birth in California with a surrogate, egg donor and sperm donor, will not affect his rights to these children, or the rights of his children to his estate.  The only uncertainty is the fact that he was married to Ms. Rowe at the time of the birth of the first two children.  She may certainly have a claim if she remains on the birth certificate, again even if an egg donor was used. 

What people have to remember is that almost all people have the desire to be a parent, even Michael Jackson, so we need to remember his intentions to be a father, instead of focusing on the drama surrounding these children.  Let’s hope they can move forward without their father in their lives and become successful adults without the media making it worse

See more on Channel 10 News and my interview.

Theresa Erickson, Esq.
Erickson Law

Categories
Adoption • Donor Egg • Family Building • Surrogacy

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Child-Free Living on Father’s Day

June 22, 2009 - Monday
Posted by admin

About 10 years ago, I received a call from my dad just before Father’s Day. My mom had recently died from her second bout with cancer, and my dad and I had become extremely close as a result. After the usual check-in conversation (how are you feeling, how are the dogs, etc…) he asked if my partner and I had thought about having children, and if so, when he might look forward to that blessed event.

I was caught a little off guard, and all I could say was “why?”

My coming out about a decade earlier was not initially well-received. For my mom, who told me she had known since I was a teenager, it removed any plausible denial that she had left, and solidified in my mind that mothers are truly psychic. For my dad, it was an event of seismic proportion, but not for the reasons that you might imagine. I was a baseball fan (go Giants then, go Diamondbacks now) and a private pilot - two activities that he in no way associated with being gay. “But you like sports!” was a phrase I got used to hearing over and over again as he sought to come to terms with my announcement.

Though everything smoothed out very quickly thanks to our nieces and nephews immediately accepting us, we had never broached the topic of having children with our parents. Not that we hadn’t thought about it. In fact, we had been giving it serious consideration for about six months when my dad popped the question. And that’s really the point of my writing today. Because everyone that I know who considered having children, the decision was not a casual one. As a gay couple, we considered adoption. There are many worthy organizations out there, the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption being one of the best. What about surrogacy? Growing Generations which was one of the pioneers of surrogacy for the gay community, offered another option.

In looking back, our wrestling with the question was about us getting to the place where we recognized that child-free living was an equal option to having a child, so the decision could be made from that perspective. There were many considerations that went into our process, many of them purely emotional and all of them highly personal. My partner was - and still is - a second grade teacher. He has a brilliant way of interacting with children that most parents only aspire to and genuinely loves being with kids and teaching them. For my part, every time I held one of our friends’ babies, something inside me felt great. I kind of melted into the little one in my arms. We thought about how happy it would make my dad and my partner’s parents to have another grandchild. We looked at the practical side as well, knowing the costs involved, both financial and emotional. We looked at the rewards of guiding someone from infancy to adulthood and to deep satisfaction that we imagined in seeing our child live out his or her full potential. Perhaps most importantly, we asked ourselves what was as the heart of the matter, and the answer was creating family.

Ultimately, we opted for child-free living. And we realized that we had constructed a family around us that fulfilled our needs and that allowed us to contribute to others. A family that included our parents, our sisters and brothers, our nieces and nephews, our godchildren, our friends’ children, our friends at church, and yes - even our dog. Because for us family is that most special group of people that we choose to surround ourselves with, and that may or may not be related to us through birth. It is the group that we want to accompany us on our journey on earth. It was not an easy decision, but for us, it was the right one, and ten years later, it still feels right. 

I’m going to give my dad a call in a few minutes to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, and to thank him for the answer to my oh-so-simple question 10 years ago when I asked him “why” he wondered if we were going to become parents. “Because,” he replied, “I think you and Bob would make great dads.”

Happy Father’s Day, dad. I love you.

Ken Mosesian
Executive Director

Categories
Adoption • Donor Egg • Egg Donation • Family Building • Surrogacy • Third Party Reproduction

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Happy Pride!

June 15, 2009 - Monday
Posted by admin

I had been looking forward to BrooklynPride Day for weeks.  The AFA decided to set up a tent there so we could speak to people about family building and for me this was so amazing, because BrooklynPride takes place in my own backyard, along Prospect Park in Park Slope.  I was really looking forward to having my friends, neighbors and especially my own kids stopping by The AFA tent, as well as the 5,000 visitors who typically come to Park Slope for this annual event.  I strolled it last year with Connor and Caitlin but at that time, the three of us were much more intent on the baba ghanoush and costume jewelry available for sale, than on the information available.  What a difference a year makes! 

I knew I would want to write a blog entry about the event, but last week when I visualized my words on paper, I thought I would call this entry Gay is the New Black.  Which I like as a title a lot.  But the truth is, that title didn’t fit the spirit of this amazing day, which was simply, Pure Happiness. 

Ken (Mosesian, The AFA’s Executive Director) had threatened to buy me a teeshirt with “Middle Aged Straight Woman” written on it to wear to Pride, but mercifully, he didn’t.  Instead the four of us showed up in our regular clothes: Dr. Jessica Brown and Dr. Cristina Matera, both of Madison Women’s Health & Fertility, plus Melinda Micciola,The AFA’s Director of Operations and me.  Madison Women’s has always been a safe, compassionate practice for single women, gay or straight, to go to and we were honored to have them sponsor our tent. 
The whole neighborhood was out there it seemed.  Lots of couples of every kind, proud to show off loving pda’s.  I’ve never seen so many cute dogs wearing colorful bandanas.  My fave moment?  The cutest 6 month old baby boy wearing an “I Love My Two Moms teeshirt”, happily utilizing an AFA directory cd as a chew toy. 

At the tent, we were knee deep in people who wanted to talk to all of us. 

I have to tell you, Saturday made me so happy.  I love talking to people, and so many stopped by our booth.  Their faces were so eager and open, and gawd, so many of them were very young!  At least to me.  There was one young woman who was intent on freezing her eggs – until Melinda and I explained to her that as a 34 year old lesbian, freezing her embryos was a better choice.  Another woman was grateful to hear from someone point blank that she should move onto IVF or IVM after 8 unsuccessful IUI’s.  She said that no one had told her that before.  And of course, we fell in love with Anthony and Ricky, what a handsome couple.  They are currently keeping their fingers crossed that their adoption will come through. 

We spoke to the earnest faced kids who go to Harvey Milk High School.  Two of them in particular were glad to get specific info about their potential to be moms and dads someday, information that they were comfortable taking home to their parents that night.

I especially loved connecting with Rev. Elizabeth Alexander, the Pastor of The Church of Gethsemane.  What a cool woman.  I’ve never seen so many colors worn at once, so amazingly well.  She spoke to me a little bit about how hard it was for her to come out – to the LGBT community - as a Presbyterian pastor.  I could have spoken to her for hours, and am looking forward to her soon to come contribution to this page as a blogger.

There were so many more.  They kept stopping by, even when the rain couldn’t hold out any longer. 

You know it’s funny.  We as professionals in this world of family building take so much for granted.  We think that everyone out there is as up to speed on their baby making options as we are.  But you know what?  They’re not.  Gay or straight, it really doesn’t matter.  We have a lot of work to do to make sure – to make really sure – that people know and understand what they can do so that they make the right choices early on, and protect themselves and their futures.

Happy Pride everyone!

Corey Whelan

Program Director

The American Fertility Association

Categories
Adoption • Egg Freezing • Family Building • Gay and Lesbian Family Building • LGBT

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Returning to the Well

June 8, 2009 - Monday
Posted by admin

By:  Lori Holden

Awhile back, my friend Crystal offered to have my children come play at her house for a few hours.  Rob had been out of town, and some down time for me sounded reealllly good.

It was a no-brainer.  Responsible child watcher?  Free time? Of course!

But I had to stop to think a moment.

Because Crystal is Tessa’s firstmom.

“Is this weird?” I thought.  “It doesn’t feel weird.  It should feel weird.  Other people would find it weird.  But I am definitely not sensing weird.”  The thoughts chugged through my head as I searched for some rain on my parade.

I brought Tessa and Reed to Crystal’s house for an afternoon with her, her son (11) and her stepson (4).  I knew Reed (5) would be in heaven with all the weapon-wielding that was about to take place, and I suspected Tessa would find Crystal’s purse endlessly fascinating.

I told the kids to behave, double-checked that Crystal knew she could call me no matter what, and left, almost giddy at the open hours laid out in front of me.

Now, let me expand a bit on my relationship with Tessa.  We are going through what seems like teen years, in spite of the fact that she’s not yet 7.  She and I butt heads on everything from too-long showers to homework, from talking on the phone to doing her chores.  I am hopeful that we will not duplicate this tension when she actually becomes a teenager, but rather that we will have already been-there/done-that (please—don’t be the one to burst my bubble).  We each seem to “miss” each other often, and I am reminded of this post about an adoptee’s feelings of being trans-familied.  I am frustrated with our disconnect, and I imagine Tessa is, too.

When I returned after my Me Time, Crystal had trimmed Tessa’s hair (they have the same wispy hair, and hairstyling is Crystal’s line of work), painted her nails, and had given her a pair of hand-me-down spiky-heeled purple boots .  A beaming Tessa cuddled in my lap while Crystal and I talked.

Once we got home, Tessa said, “Mom, I’m a new person!”  I’m not sure if she meant the beautifying activities or what. But for days afterward, SHE WAS DELIGHTFUL, and the fight in her was gone.  Witness this:

Tessa wanted to wear the spiky boots to school the next morning and began to have a meltdown.  I said, “I’m telling you that those shoes are not appropriate for school.  You do what you think will get you the consequences you want.”  I was fully expecting her to wear the shoes to school, which would earn me the Bad Mother of the Week Award, and then I would have to throw the boots in the trash after we got home.

But Tessa came to breakfast, smiling and cheerful, wearing her sneakers.  I can’t tell you how out of character this is.  I was so impressed with her response that I brought the boots when I picked her up from school so she could wear them to the dentist (not as inappropriate there).

Tessa and I are simply more sympatico since her time with Crystal.  It’s as if Tessa has been to the well.

I must admit I am pleased with myself that I don’t feel hurt or threatened.  I don’t know how to pull teeth, so I take Tessa to the dentist.  I don’t like to play house for hours at a time, so I arrange for playdates with friends.  I simply can’t fill this emotional need that Tessa seems to have, and another woman can, so I wholeheartedly support these trips to the well.

It works for all of us.

—
http://WeeblesWobblog.blogspot.com ...mindful living amid chaos

http://AllThumbsReviews.blogspot.com ...sassy reviews by sassy chicks

@BestLight ...follow me on Twitter
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Categories
Adoption • Family Building

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