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The American Fertility Association Blog

Story of the Three Must-Haves

June 19, 2009 - Friday
Posted by admin

When my partner and I decided to get pregnant, the first step was finding a sperm donor who would help us conceive a child. Over the course of our attempt to get pregnant, we used one known donor and 5 anonymous donors.

We initially focused on finding a known donor because we wanted our child to have the potential to know this person when they were older. We established a few criteria: they must be in a monogamous relationship, should have children, and who was willing to be identified as the donor. We didn’t want him to co-parent, but we did hope he would be open to being in our lives as a friend. We approached a few of our friends, and a couple even approached us.

Not surprisingly, many declined because they didn’t feel they could remain uninvolved, especially those with children. These men are great fathers, and though they wanted to help us, they were afraid of remaining uninvolved with a child that was biologically related to them. A couple times, it was the female partner who offered their male partners’ gametes. These conversations often originated after a few drinks, and both time the men rescinded their partners’ offer. Many times, these conversations were light-hearted and respectful, but didn’t progress beyond the initial inquiry. After a year, we finally found someone who was interested in helping out and he underwent testing. We hired lawyers specializing in family law to draw up the legal contracts which would protect everyone’s rights, but we found out he would still have to sign over his parental rights after a child was born so that Barbara could adopt. We ended the agreement when no pregnancies occurred after a year of trying at home inseminations with fresh semen, and we remain friends with him to this day.

Rather than re-initiate the whole process of finding a known donor, we decided to turn to an anonymous sperm bank to provide the missing gametes. We started the process with a long list of criteria which included a decent sense of humor, not too religious, blue or green eyes, no family cancer history, between 5’9” and 6’2,” European descent, and willing to be known when the child turned 18. Many sperm banks offer a range of information for free and for a small fee. Most even offer a photo matching service where the non-biological parent (male or female) can send a picture and a donor with similar features will be suggested. Sperm banks are pretty similar in policies and information, but there was tremendous diversity in costs, free online information, and availability of donors. In addition to having a wide range of choices, there were clear legal benefits to using an anonymous donor that protected us from a potential parental challenge we could have faced from a known donor.

We used five different donors from two banks before we finally got pregnant via IVF and ICSI. The longer it took to get pregnant, the shorter our criteria list got until we ended up with three “must-haves.” Those must-haves included no family history of cancer, a height range, and someone willing to be known in the future. The earlier list reflected our personal values and physical characteristics, but in the end, our number one goal was to have a baby. We achieved that goal, met the three must-have criteria, and realized that it didn’t really matter if the donor had a sense of humor or a happy childhood. The only things that really mattered were that our son would be loved, nurtured, and cared for by two loving parents thanks to the help of a third person’s generosity. I don’t know if the young man knows the joy he has brought to our life, but I hope we get a chance to meet him some day and thank him in person.


Sierra Hansen

Categories
Donor Sperm • Family Building • IUI • IVF • LGBT • Sperm Donation

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Welcoming Jesse

May 27, 2009 - Wednesday
Posted by admin

By:  Sierra Hansen

When my partner announced 7 years ago she wanted to start a family, I was speechless. We never really talked about getting pregnant because we knew it would require money and effort and we simply weren’t ready to initiate the whole process. She was 37 and I was 31, so it was obvious she would go first. We announced our plans to get pregnant to all of our friends, asked for tons of advice, found a friend willing to be our donor, and tried to get pregnant.

And tried, and tried, and tried. We adopted a laissez faire attitude because like many women our ages, we thought as soon as we decided to get pregnant, it would be a snap.  It wasn’t. After 7 years, we used 6 different sperm donors (known and unknown), underwent ~30 IUIs, 18 which were medically assisted with drugs, and finally one IVF procedure which culminated in a happy 9 month old boy.

At first, we were giddy with excitement every time we tried to inseminate, and we held our collective breath for the two weeks between trying and the first pregnancy test. After a year, we began to wonder if we shouldn’t talk to a specialist. We did, and it was eye-opening. We thought we were well-informed and educated about our fertility. Boy, were we wrong. So, we initiated a much more strategic, medically-assisted plan with a great physician who shared the startling truth about reproductive health. He brought up concerns about my partner’s age, and suggested we only try 6 IUI’s before we consider IVF or switching to me. We began to dread the two week wait, especially when our friends were constantly enquiring how the baby-making was coming along. We finally told people that no news was bad news, and most got the hint.

Meanwhile, we watched a number of our straight and gay friends have one and two babies. We rubbed pregnant bellies and babysat as much as possible hoping some good luck would rub off on us. After the 6 IUI’s with our doctor wrapped up the second year of trying, my partner had given up and it was my turn. She tried to keep her chin up, but I knew she was devastated. I did my best to support her, and we turned our hopes to my getting pregnant quickly. We took a few months off to recoup our energy and spirits and started again.

When I started, we didn’t tell anybody except for our closest friends. We just couldn’t handle the monthly barrage of questions, and the seemingly inevitable “No news is bad news” response. Our best friends tried to be supportive, but after 11 cycles of drug-assisted IUI’s, we began to isolate ourselves from them. One day, about 2 months before we knew we would have to make the decision to go forward with IVF or remain childless, we invited our neighbors who were walking by in for a glass of wine. She announced no wine for her because she was expecting, patting her belly to reinforce the announcement. A month earlier they were not even sure they wanted kids and all of a sudden they were pregnant. I wanted to yell at them, slam the door, crumple into a ball and cry. I didn’t. Somehow, I found the courage to invite them in, offer her a glass of water, and toast their good fortune. We did pull back from them, and our close friends, after letting them know we were really struggling with the inability to get pregnant. Our friends understood when we crawled into our shells.

When we initiated the IVF, our physician was incredibly optimistic. The most optimistic he had been in a long time. While my inability to get pregnant via IUI stumped him, he thought I would be a good candidate for IVF success. He was right. After all the shots, pills, ultrasounds, and blood tests, my doctor harvested 21 eggs, fertilized 14, and eventually 5 made it to blastocyst. We froze three, and two were transferred. One took, and when a beautiful 8lb, 6oz baby boy was born 9 months later, we named him Jesse. I had the easiest pregnancy in the world and Jesse is an amazing baby. Today we feel very lucky and grateful that we have a child with big blue eyes who sleeps through the night. However, we try to educate our friends who seek information about getting pregnant at every opportunity. If our experience can help shorten the time it takes another couple, we’ll consider it a bonus.

Best,

Sierra Hansen

To read more about Gay Moms Doing Well Despite Prop 8, click here

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-gregory/gay-moms-doing-well_b_207455.html

Sierra Hansen and her partner, Barbara, have been together for 14 years, and last August she gave birth to a baby boy. She is currently a graduate student at the University of Washington researching on infertility genetics, policy, and law.

 

 

Categories
Donor Sperm • Family Building • Fertility • Fertility Drugs • Frozen Sperm • Gay and Lesbian Family Building • IUI • IVF • LGBT • Pregnancy • Sperm Donation

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Secrets

May 20, 2009 - Wednesday
Posted by Corey

I was interviewed by Vogue Magazine today about the Manicures & Martinis Infertility Prevention Program.  The editor wanted to know what the most important take home message from the series was.  I circled around that for awhile and this is what I truly think.  More than anything else on the planet, people are entitled to their own personal truth.  The truth about themselves.  And women deserve to know the truth about their own biological clocks and what their bodies can and can’t do.

Personal truth.  In my view, people have the right to know.  Were they were donor inseminated?  Or adopted?  Carried by a surrogate?  Whatever it is, we all have the right to know. 

You know what?  Facebook has been very good to me.  I have reconnected with friends and family I haven’t seen in years and years but never stopped loving.  I have brought lots of family back into my life, among them, seven cousins, especially my cousin Robyn who is one of the true loves of my life.  But another cousin too, who was adopted in 1955, the same year I was born.  But you know what’s really weird – I don’t think he knows he’s adopted.  And here we sit, reconnecting over coffee after all these years, and I have a secret.  His secret.  We are both in our fifties, and even after all this time, it’s so bizarre.  I don’t think he knows that we are not biologically linked.  And to tell you the truth, it is making me crazy. 

God, how the world has changed since the 1950’s, it’s like another planet, not another era.  I have a funny photograph of my cousin being bottle fed by his mom while she is holding a cigarette in the same hand.  Child abuse by today’s standards.

My cousin has a right to know.  And I don’t know what the hell to do.

Corey Whelan
Program Director
The American Fertility Association

Categories
Adoption • Donor Sperm • Fertility Preservation • Infertility • IUI • Surrogacy

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Facing Change

March 16, 2009 - Monday
Posted by Ken

Last year I wrote an article addressing how issues surrounding the topic of infertility would only become more intense in the coming year. What I didn’t realize is the degree to which the infertility conversation would enter mainstream media, and how quickly.

Thus far in 2009, the topic of infertility is everywhere. Whether it’s the mother of eight babies in California or a 60 (plus) year-old woman becoming pregnant through in-vitro fertilization (IVF), infertility has become part of most people’s daily listening and reading, if not daily conversation.

As I write this in mid-March, I’m wondering what’s going to happen this week when the Georgia State Senate considers a “personhood” bill, which defines life at the moment of conception and ascribes all human rights to the embryo from that point forward. The bill would make anyone who damages or destroys an embryo criminally liable, subject to both fines and imprisonment. It would further forbid any disposition of unused embryos except the option to donate them to another couple, (and they do mean married, heterosexual couples).  The option to freeze embryos for use at a later date, donate them to scientific research, or dispose of them would be illegal if this bill becomes law.

There are several other bills floating around state legislatures right now. Many are designed to dictate to physicians and patients having difficulty conceiving how many embryos they can create, how many they may transfer, and what the disposition of any unused embryos must be.

New questions are being raised about the use of sperm taken posthumously from a male for the purpose of continuing a family line or ensuring inheritance. Who has the final say in these matters?

Egg freezing is emerging as the most asked about fertility topic of the year. Women and men want to know if eggs can be frozen for use at a later date, similar to what is currently being practiced with unused embryos. If so, what’s the success rate? Is this something we should be encouraging? Are there risks? What are they?

Egg freezing, taking sperm from dead men, legislators dictating what physicians and patients can and can’t do, and the very real possibility of microscopic tissue being called a “child” are just some of the issues The American Fertility Association (The AFA) is helping consumers sort through as they begin or find themselves in the midst of their family building journeys.

7.3 million American women experience difficulty conceiving or bringing a pregnancy to term. Fertility challenges among men may be just as high, as male factor infertility is the sole or contributing cause in about 40% of infertile couples.  We are, indeed, faced with a significant challenge.

In addition to providing education and support for those facing fertility challenges, this year, The AFA began an infertility prevention program in which we take education to young women at places they already frequent – like nail salons and health clubs.

Why? There are types of infertility that can be prevented. Avoiding environmental toxins, taking into account the biological clock (fertility begins to decline at age 27 for women and 35 for men) and preventing STD’s are all things that can keep options open for individuals and couples if and when they decide to have children. As everyone knows, prevention, when possible, is the best cure.

Our mission is simple: prevent infertility whenever possible and support people in building families of choice. To learn more, visit us at http://www.theafa.org.

The American Fertility Association, a 501 (c) (3) national non-profit organization is a lifetime resource for infertility prevention, reproductive health and family building. AFA services and materials are provided free of charge to consumers and available to everyone without reservation. These services include an extensive online library, monthly online chats, telephone and in-person coaching, a resource directory, hosted message boards, daily fertility news and a toll-free support line.
http://www.theafa.org or 888.917.3777.

Ken Mosesian
Executive Director

Categories
Donor Egg • Donor Sperm • Egg Donation • Egg Freezing • Embryo Donation • Family Building • Fertility • Fertility Preservation • Frozen Embryos • Frozen Sperm • Infertility • IVF • Reproductive Freedom • Sexual Health • Sperm Donation • Third Party Reproduction

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