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The American Fertility Association Blog

Returning to the Well

June 8, 2009 - Monday
Posted by admin

By:  Lori Holden

Awhile back, my friend Crystal offered to have my children come play at her house for a few hours.  Rob had been out of town, and some down time for me sounded reealllly good.

It was a no-brainer.  Responsible child watcher?  Free time? Of course!

But I had to stop to think a moment.

Because Crystal is Tessa’s firstmom.

“Is this weird?” I thought.  “It doesn’t feel weird.  It should feel weird.  Other people would find it weird.  But I am definitely not sensing weird.”  The thoughts chugged through my head as I searched for some rain on my parade.

I brought Tessa and Reed to Crystal’s house for an afternoon with her, her son (11) and her stepson (4).  I knew Reed (5) would be in heaven with all the weapon-wielding that was about to take place, and I suspected Tessa would find Crystal’s purse endlessly fascinating.

I told the kids to behave, double-checked that Crystal knew she could call me no matter what, and left, almost giddy at the open hours laid out in front of me.

Now, let me expand a bit on my relationship with Tessa.  We are going through what seems like teen years, in spite of the fact that she’s not yet 7.  She and I butt heads on everything from too-long showers to homework, from talking on the phone to doing her chores.  I am hopeful that we will not duplicate this tension when she actually becomes a teenager, but rather that we will have already been-there/done-that (please—don’t be the one to burst my bubble).  We each seem to “miss” each other often, and I am reminded of this post about an adoptee’s feelings of being trans-familied.  I am frustrated with our disconnect, and I imagine Tessa is, too.

When I returned after my Me Time, Crystal had trimmed Tessa’s hair (they have the same wispy hair, and hairstyling is Crystal’s line of work), painted her nails, and had given her a pair of hand-me-down spiky-heeled purple boots .  A beaming Tessa cuddled in my lap while Crystal and I talked.

Once we got home, Tessa said, “Mom, I’m a new person!”  I’m not sure if she meant the beautifying activities or what. But for days afterward, SHE WAS DELIGHTFUL, and the fight in her was gone.  Witness this:

Tessa wanted to wear the spiky boots to school the next morning and began to have a meltdown.  I said, “I’m telling you that those shoes are not appropriate for school.  You do what you think will get you the consequences you want.”  I was fully expecting her to wear the shoes to school, which would earn me the Bad Mother of the Week Award, and then I would have to throw the boots in the trash after we got home.

But Tessa came to breakfast, smiling and cheerful, wearing her sneakers.  I can’t tell you how out of character this is.  I was so impressed with her response that I brought the boots when I picked her up from school so she could wear them to the dentist (not as inappropriate there).

Tessa and I are simply more sympatico since her time with Crystal.  It’s as if Tessa has been to the well.

I must admit I am pleased with myself that I don’t feel hurt or threatened.  I don’t know how to pull teeth, so I take Tessa to the dentist.  I don’t like to play house for hours at a time, so I arrange for playdates with friends.  I simply can’t fill this emotional need that Tessa seems to have, and another woman can, so I wholeheartedly support these trips to the well.

It works for all of us.

—
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Categories
Adoption • Family Building

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