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The American Fertility Association Blog
Chapter Two?
December 10, 2007 - Monday
Posted by Pamela
The other day I was watching Dr. Phil...I actually don’t particularly like Dr. Phil. There is something Sergeant like about his therapy...but he had couples on that were “desperate to conceive.” And one of the couples were fighting about whether or not they would have another child. And that reminded me of a time in my life when my husband and I were in conflict about whether or not to try Assisted Reproductive Technology again. I went through my older writings..and I found this...I would like to share it with you. It was written almost 17 years ago. I called it:
Chapter Two?
My miracle happened over two years ago with the conception of my son Tyler who is a G.I.F.T. baby. Tyler was conceived after a little more than two years of struggle. I moved quickly and aggressively through the work up, six Pergonal cycles and then onto high tech. We got “lucky” with GIFT. When we got the news we were pregnant, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This struggle was finally over. We could now leave behind us the pain of infertility. We would be like other young couples thinking about baby names instead of what day I would begin my next treatment. The pain could end and we could now move forward. It was wonderful being able to fulfill all my longed for fantasies of motherhood. I remember the first time I walked into a children’s store to pick out clothing for Tyler. The saleslady must have been wondering why I was crying over a sleeper! At any rate, I moved through the world of mothers and babies and I got to talk about all those things that mothers talk about and I felt like I really belonged. I no longer felt different.
When Tyler turned two years old we began to think about having another child. While my husband and I were contemplating the ramifications of another GIFT cycle or trying the frozen embryos saved from Tyler’s cycle over three years ago, my entire “play group” became pregnant with their second child. Okay, you may say, you have Tyler. You are lucky. You should feel grateful. The reader may even think that they would not be upset at all, after all Tyler was a miracle!
The reader may even feel angry with me for being jealous, if you are now childless. I understand all this and I have given myself many a good talking to, but the bottom line is I felt angry, infertile, out of control and just plain sad.
I too, wanted to have another child, but I needed an audience of at least ten doctors and nurses to get pregnant. Conception was something that was out of my immediate control. I loved my friends, and I have to admit that it bothered me that there increasing talk about their pregnancies bothered me! After all, I had been pregnant. It was not a mystery to me. I had Tyler. I should not be bothered by this kind of talk. But I was. I felt left out. I felt different. Right or wrong this is how I felt and still feel.
I am writing this piece because I don’t think that I am alone. I am part of a new population of people that are being helped by the new technologies and have one child. We are faced with a mixed bag of emotions and options. I think that many of us feel guilty over any feelings of unhappiness, after all we now have a child. Didn’t we pray to God that we would do anything to have that child? Many of us felt that if we had that child, we would never think about infertility again. So what happened?
First, with the birth or adoption of a child you begin to mix in with other mothers. When you are childless, many of us do not expose ourselves to the myriad of the neighborhood playground. After the arrival of your infant, many of us join the merry throng of the stroller set.
We join the fertile world of mothers. In the beginning, you may be completely content to be surrounded by infants and toddlers when you yourself have one.
You may not be bothered anymore by pregnant women. After all, many of us are plenty busy with our own. But our own gets older too, and just like our friends we begin to think about another child. But we are infertile, our child was a miracle. We contemplate our next move while all our friends quite normally complete their families. If we did not have infertility problems, the how, when and should we have another child would not be the earth shattering issue that it can become for people with impaired fertility. I have felt guilty over my desire for another child.
Sometimes I felt that I was like the wife in the fairy tale, The Old Man and the Sea. In the story the wife kept asking for a bigger wish, never being satisfied with what she had.
Eventually she lost everything. Well, I have really tried to work through these emotions and I have decided that I am not a bad person for desiring another child. I do not think we are wrong to want another child. Why should we not want things that other people take for granted? If having children and siblings for children were not normal part of the life process, why do people constantly ask me when Tyler is going to get sister?
The fact is that when you must rely on high technology to have another child there are many issues that you have to contend with. For my husband and I, money is a concern. It costs a great deal of money to have a child the high tech way, and I have chosen to stay home since the birth of Tyler. We don’t have the cash flow that we used to. If you do not have the money you cannot play the game. I couldn’t believe that some of the IVF Centers are now taking MasterCard and VISA! The money spent on conceiving another child will take significant money away from the child that we now have. Then there is the question of pain and suffering.
None of this stuff is fun. We are not talking about playing footsie in the backseat of a Chevy.
I have to be unconscious, which is probably the only thing that will get rid of the Pergonal headache I will most likely have at that point! And let’s not forget that I will being doing this cycle that I used to grump and sleep through with a not so understanding toddler.
There is also that unrelenting fear of how we would deal with a possible failure of the procedure that we may have unrealistic confidence in. There is always the feeling that we should quit while we are ahead. All of the high tech procedures have less than a fifty-fifty chance of producing a child. Tyler was a bolt of lightning. Does lightning strike twice? Should we count our blessings and give up? Is it human nature to always want more? I don’t know the answers to these questions. I just know that if I had the choice, Tyler would not be an only child. I would like him to have a sibling to play monopoly with. My husband and I have room in our hearts if not our apartment, for another child.
We have made the decision to try again. A recent try with our frozen embryos did not work. I have decided to go back to work next year raise the capitol needed for another try. I don’t know how many attempts we will be emotionally and financially able to swing, but we will try.
We will not be devastated if another pregnancy does not occur. I will not allow the desire for another child to rule my life. It is true, we do have Tyler and the pain is different this time around even if it is still there. I may feel left out of the current neighborhood baby boom, but I am still Tyler’s mother and we get to do all the great mother-kid stuff that I always dreamed about. The emotions are much more manageable when you have a kid to pick up and love. It’s just that I have two arms. So, will Tyler have a little sister or brother? I’m hopeful, but we’ll just have to wait and see.
Authors Note: Tyler became a big brother a little more than two years later with the arrival of Spencer, who was a I.V.F. conception.
Categories
Adoption •
Infertility •
IVF •
Pregnancy •
Reproductive Technologies
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Can we talk about that Dr. Phil episode?
I watched the “Desperate to be a Mom” show. It on the day after I left the hospital after my miscarriage. I knew I shouldn’t have watched it, but I just couldn’t tear myself away from it. I kept thinking, someone like me will be on here and I’ll learn something. Something. Anything.
After three years of trying, including one solid hard-core year of clomid, IUIs and hormone shots, we were nearing our deadline. In 2008, one way or the other, I was done with treatments. I’m desperate to be a mom, sure, but I had to stop torturing myself. My prayers had gone from, “Please let me get pregnant,” to “Let me be okay with never having kids.” For a reason I will never understand, in November, I was pregnant – only to lose the baby in December. So there I was, at home “recuperating” and watching Dr. Phil. Talk about sadism.
The first story was a couple where the husband had had a vasectomy and didn’t want any more kids. Period. It wasn’t an issue of infertility, just a matter of wants, and who wants what more. The second was a couple who needed fertility treatments, but he didn’t want to put out the money. This, I understand. But what good is a nice house with a nursery if there’s no one to fill it? These first two made me so upset. If only having a family was as easy as agreeing to have one. “If you love her, you’ll do what you need to do to.” Like reversing a vasectomy or buying the FSH shots is any kind of guarantee. It’s not that easy. Shame on Dr. Phil for trivializing what the rest of us agonize with.
The last story is what I imagine Pamela was talking about. A (rich) couple wanting another baby and going into another round of treatment. For people with secondary infertility, it is a tough decision, but there has to be some solace with the child they already have. And for those people on the show, price was no object. They have all kinds of options available to them. If price was no object, believe me, I’d be signing up for IVF tomorrow.
I know all of these people were in pain, and they all had difficult decisions, but where is the rest of the story? Where is the voice for the rest of us? I kept hoping for some kind of sign –Where do you find the strength to keep going? When is enough enough? How do you know when you’re too desperate to be a mom? What’s the latest stat? 1 in 6 women face infertility? Dr. Phil missed the boat.
Sorry for the rant; still a little hormonal.