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Choosing Between Domestic And International Adoption

June 26, 2007 - Tuesday
7:26 PM to (EST)
Guest Speakers: Kathy Brodsky

Categories
Adoption • International Adoption


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Lorrainemae Is this the adoption chat session?
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Corey_Whelan Hi all, our speaker is having technical issues, please hang on
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Corey_Whelan Everyone, please welcome Kathy Brodsky! Please feel free to ask her your questions on adoption.
Kathy_Brodsky Hi everyone and sorry I am a bit late....technical problems.
Corey_Whelan no problem! Welcome, we are glad you're here.
swb101 Hi, Kathy. How do you locate an adoption attorney if you decide to pursue private domestic adoption?
suzyq is there an age limitation for adopting children in the United States/abroad?
Kathy_Brodsky Adoptions attorneys can easily be located through the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. They have a webaite and are listed by state.
Kathy_Brodsky You can also locate an attorney through the local bar association
Corey_Whelan We also have a list of adoption attorneys that we refer to at the AFA's helpline, you can always call us.
Kathy_Brodsky As for age restrictions. Some international programs have age restrictions. And some local agencies inthe US also limit the age of the parents. Howevere there are options for all ages. An older parent may need to look at adopting a "non-infant" overseas. As for domestically, if you are doing an independent adoption, the birth parent chooses you and has control over the ages of the adoptive parents.
Kathy_Brodsky Back to attorneys for a moment - make sure the attorney has experience in the type of adoption you are doing. So if it is a local state adoption or an interstate adoption,t hey need to know the current laws and regulations.
mfienberg Kathy, I have been learning about domestic/open adoption, and there seems to be no standard. Could you ever negotiate the terms of an open adoption with the birth parent?
Kathy_Brodsky Is anyone still tryong to decide on an international or deomestic adoption?
mfienberg Yes
swb101 Yes, we haven't decide which route yet.
suzyq Yes
Kathy_Brodsky Open adoption means very different things to everyone. You can discuss all aspects of the contact before and after the adoption. An attorney or counselor can be evry helpful in this. Remember though, as the child grows they will be the one determining the level of openness.
shaymer01 they will be the ones? this scares me - that it is out of our control.
shaymer01 they, the birth parents or they the child?
Kathy_Brodsky For those not sure - there are several easy things to consider at the start. If you want a newborn baby - you want domestic adoption. If you want information on the birth family anfd medical history - you want a domestic adoption. If you want to determine the gender of the child - it's international adoption. Same for an older child - international adoption is the better choice.
suzyq You said you need to ask yourself 3 questions before considering adoption - what are they?
Kathy_Brodsky Relationships with birth parebts are always scary. There is so much unknown. My point is that as the children grow, the kids will be the ones who determine IF they want any openness. You as the parents will have say, but the kids point of view must be considered, as well.
swb101 What are the benefits of working with an agency domestically vs. going the private route?
Kathy_Brodsky Even if you have openness, it doesnot mean that everyionbe knows names, addresses, etc. or that you evcen visit. Sometimes openness is a way to share informaiton as the years go on.
shaymer01 ok, thank you.
Kathy_Brodsky They are the issues I mentioned above. The age of the child you wish to adopt, the amounjt of informaiton you need to know and the gender selection. Often those answers lead the process for you.
suzyq thank you
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Kathy_Brodsky There are other issues that youcan consider like the amount of money it costs, or travel time or rasising a child from another country
Kathy_Brodsky Also marital status can be a consideration as someinternational countries will not let singles adopt.
shaymer01 i have heard that it takes a very long time for domestic compared to international. is this true?
suzyq You said you need to do your research - what is the best method for locating/determining reputable domestic and international agencies? Is there a directory people can reference?
Kathy_Brodsky International adoptions have a time line that is somewhat predictable. There is the application process, paperwork, time until assignm,ent of a cjild and then estimated time until you travel. Domestic adoptin has no timeline as most people are`waiting to locate a pregnant woman and then waiting for the birth. If that situation does not end in an adoption, they need to start again. So it is hard to predict.
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Kathy_Brodsky These days we are using a 6-24 month window for an adoption, domestic or international - as there are many changes int he internbational adoption scene.
Kathy_Brodsky The best way to locate any professional or agency is to talk to adopters. AFA is a great resource, so are local agencies who network with other professionals and agencies. There are lists of agencies for all states and countries, but you should have someone narrow down the list for you. Many agencies do what they call a consultation to help.
Kathy_Brodsky You can also check professionals and agencies out with the Dept. of Social Services, bar Association, Better Business Bureau and local adoptin groups like AFA
mjcerny My husband and I are interested in domestic adoption, but it sounds like we can end up spending a lot of money and if the mom changes her mom, end up without a baby (and with a broken heart). In your experience, does that happen often?
mjcerny Sorry, meant to say "changes her mind"
swb101 One of my friends who recently adopted from Korea told me if she had to do it all over again she would go domestic working with an agency. What are the advantages to working with an agency instead of working with a private attorney?
Kathy_Brodsky The concept of failed adoptions is a tough one. Not all situations end in adoption, Sometimes birth mothers change their minds. Sometimes adopting parents change their minds. This is an emotional journey for everyone. Having an attorney, socila worker and other professionals who know adoption working with you and the birth parents helps limit the heartache. If there are questions they are brought up and discussed. It is rare foa an adoption to end after you have a child in your custody.
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Kathy_Brodsky Agency vs. attorney. Working with an agency,all services are located within that resource. With an attorney, they help locate all other services you need. Some people like agencies, so if they are pursuing an adoptin and it falls through, the agency may have another sitruation for them, rather than having to start advertising again.
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Kathy_Brodsky Some attorneys, and this depends onthe state you live in, have and are able to network for you. You need to check out your local regulations onthis one. many states do not allow attorneys to locate birth parebts or children for the adopting parents.
Kathy_Brodsky Another thing about agencies - some agencies charge one fee until they locate a child for you. Some charge a fee per situation. Again, you need to ask these questions at the start.
Kathy_Brodsky As for some liking domestic vs international - a lot of this has to do with how much you want to do and how much you want someone else to do. You also have to have a lot of trust inthe people helping you. Control, and giving up a lot of it, is one thing many struggle with throughout the process.
mjcerny If a state does not permit attorneys to locate birth parents or children for adopting parents, do agencies have the sam e restriction?
Kathy_Brodsky No one has mentined concerns over medical or social history. Does anyone have questions about this?
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suzyq Is there a big difference financially between domestic and international adoptions?
Kathy_Brodsky Agencies licensed by states do not have the same restrictions as attorneys. It has a lot to do with money changing hands. Agencies have to amnswer to higher authorities and their actions are more closely watched.
mjcerny Re: medical/social history - from what I have read, it seems you get more history through the domestic route than an international one. Is that true or does it depend upon the country?
Kathy_Brodsky Financially - international adoptions usually have a fee associated with them at the start and are between $20-40. The higher being some of the Russian adoptions where 2 trips to Russia are`required.
shaymer01 I have concerns with not having control over the fetal environment. Who knows if the birth mother is taking care of herself and providing the best environment for the baby's development. I am not referring exclusively to known "bad habits", but to everything, from too much fish with mercury in it to too high a stress level. This may sound strange, but these are some of the thoughts running through my head.
Kathy_Brodsky Domestic adoptin costs vary dramatically - $5000-$35000 depending on the services needed in any particular adoption,. When you beginto work with a birth parent, the attorney or agency gives you a "guestimate" for the expenses.
CA_Gort I'm sorry for not being on time. I'm assuming that you already covered the "3 questions we should ask ourselves" mentioned in the email. Could someone else in attendance catch me up so Kathy can keep typing answers? Pretty please?
Kathy_Brodsky We all worry about medical issues. Whether it is the pre-natal care, environment or the birth itself, of the familial history - this is a lot of onknown information. INternationally, you uisually get only the information fromt he orphanage or maternity home. In several countries, there is a bit more history. In domestic adoption,s the biorth parents are asked for a 3 generational history. But remember, many birth parents are young and a lot of medical issues may not have surfaced yet. This is one reason to maintain some contact withthe birth family, in case a medical issue crops up.
shaymer01 (CA - click on action, recent room history and it shows old stuff, click show more ithink for more history)
Kathy_Brodsky As for BAD HABITS, etc. I sometimes you say to a family - I know you expected to have a child with all opf the best features and habits you both have. But for a moment, think of all your worst habits, characteristics, familial histories - what if this was the child you had. We all worry - birth or adopted kids. And yet, this worry, this committment to our kids is what makes us great parents.
Kathy_Brodsky For those who have major concerns inthis area, you might want to explore some of the other fertility alternatives that would give you more control or information. Or you might want to meet wioth a counselor a few times to talk things through. Anxiety inthis process is normal.
CA_Gort shaymer - It is scary to imagine what a child has been exposed to, before we would have some control as their parent. My husband and I went through the approval process back in 1998 and all of the fears I had about not knowing ...we ended up having a child biologically and I can tell you that as a parent there are no guarantees. I took perfect care of myself and my fetus - he's brilliant and wonderful, but had health issues and developmental delays. My dear friend is now carrying a child with spina bifida. The incredible process of life forming - it's amazing that humans are created at all. It is important to examine, when adopting, what your family is ready to handle in terms of special needs children - but parenthood, and life, are a gamble. Have faith in love, and yourself - you'll be a fantastic parent to the child lucky enough to have you as a parent. Thanks for the tech help. I'll give it a try.
shaymer01 I was trying not to say drinking/doing drugs or something that we all know are bad for fetal development by saying bad habits...not a characteristic or trait that might be passed on.
Kathy_Brodsky Domestically - birth parents can be checked for drug and alcohol usage. They will be asked and their doctors can run tests. You should line up a pediatrician who can talk to her obgyn. That way you get doctor to doctor information.
Kathy_Brodsky Internationally - there are also doctors who specialize in international adoptive medicine and they can tell you which areas of the world show "what" medical or environmental concerns.
shaymer01 (thank you CA, it is, indeed, amazing that we are created at all. and you're welcome)
Kathy_Brodsky CA Gort - you are so right. None of us know what we will be presented with or the strength that we have.
shaymer01 thank you Kathy
Kathy_Brodsky Are their any process questions - paperwork - homestudies - post adoption services?
Corey_Whelan guys, we only have about fifteen minutes left so please don't hold back
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CA_Gort Do you have any reading recommendations Kathy, regarding the psychological issues of adoption. Back when we were first preparing to adopt, I read a lot. It helped me to understand what the birth parents were going through and to be prepared for my own mental challenges - what would an adopted child face? I was reading an article in "The Atlantic" at the doctor's office yesterday - a birth mother from a closed adoption said it was like losing a child in a forest - she knows he's out there, but has no idea if he's okay. It helped me in accepting open adoption a little bit more (I think - it's hard).
mjcerny Question re: Age - I was told that some agencies have strict age limits. I'm interested in domestic adoption but I'm 42. In your experience, is that true and if so, am I then better off with an attorney? As you can see, I still have a lot of research to do!
shaymer01 i feel like i am asking too much, but ... We may start the adoption process soon. We may also move to another state in the near future (1-2 years). Is it a problem to start the process in one state and end it in another?
CA_Gort My process question is pretty specific - I have systemic lupus - a chronic, but not terminal illness. My husband is healthy. Which route would be our best chance for adoption? How should we start exploring with this issue in mind?
Corey_Whelan Shaymer, you're not asking too many questions - that's how we all benefit.
Kathy_Brodsky As for reading - AFA has some great articles. Another cource of information is Adoptive Families Magazine. They cover a lot of pre and post adoptin issues.
shaymer01 (thks Corey!)
Kathy_Brodsky As for age - some agencies restrict the age of the child and parent. Some don't. You need to call around. And an agency they might not take you into their placement program, may still handle an adoption you find on your own. They just do not feel that a birth parent willpick you if they have younger parents to choose from.
CA_Gort My health would affect our ability to go overseas. I have difficulty travelling and my husband would not be able to take an extended leave from work. Are there still any countries who allow children to be escorted to the US? Also, we're interested in a toddler or young child - where would this be likely to work for us?
Kathy_Brodsky If you are moving - the homestudy would need to be updated in the new home and you need to meet new state requirements. if you are working with an agency, ask them which states they are licensed to weork in. So, if you move they can still work with you. As for attorneys, they often are licensed in one state. But an atorney who is amember of a groups with the merican Academy of Adoption Attorneys has a national network with which ti wrok.
Kathy_Brodsky Health is an issue in international adoption. many counmtries are now placing limits on the adoptive parents health. Domestically it is not a problem. many people with medical illness adopt. You shoul dbe honest at the start of the process and make sure your agency, attorney, social wworker, etc are all supportive and feel they can advocate for you.
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CA_Gort MJ - we worked with a non-profit agency (this was a while ago) and every potential family created a profile book for birth mothers to review - this was a great way to overcome issues like age. You get to show your family and talk about yourselves - your ideals of parenting. I would think this will help a birth mother overcome concerns about age - they learn more about who you are.
shaymer01 thank you
Kathy_Brodsky There are some couintries that allow escort, but most of us adoptionprofessionals advise not to adopt this way. it is importanbt to see your child before the adoption and also gain knowledge of their homeland to share with them as they grow. With that said - there are domestic options. And, if your heart is set on international adoption, you need to call around and see whioch agency would allow you not ot travel.
Kathy_Brodsky Birth parent profiles are a great way to get your point of view andfamily across to birth parents. They should be fun and family focused.
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Corey_Whelan guys, we have time for one or two more questions
mjcerny Thanks CA and Kathy.
CA_Gort Are there any resources for finding out country limitations - which agency to choose for a domestic, etc? When we first when through this I just used Catholic Charities here in our county. They are not accepting families due to too many waiting as it is.
swb101 Considering the age restrictions, Which countries are the best option for my situation - I am 43 and my husband is 45.
Kathy_Brodsky I know we have obly a few minutes left - If anyone would like me to forward them informaiton on the "10 Questions to ask the social worker before they do the homestudy" and a "comparison Sheet about domestic and international adoption, email me at brodskyk@jccany.org
Corey_Whelan Kathy, thank you so much for being here tonight.
Kathy_Brodsky A good source to see country requirement and drestrictions is www.jcics.org - go to COUNTRIES onthe left side
Corey_Whelan Thanks to everyone for asking their questions - we all found out a lot of pertinent information.
Kathy_Brodsky Your welcome. it has been a pleasure and I hope helpful
mjcerny Thanks everyone. It's nice to have the support.
Corey_Whelan Our chat is now officially over. Thanks everyone, and sweet dreams!
shaymer01 Thank you very much!!
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CA_Gort Thank you Kathy, Corey and all participants - best wishes to all.
suzyq Kathy, thank you for your time and sharing your expertise with all of us.
Kathy_Brodsky Good night all
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Lorrainemae Thanks.
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