Exploring the Adoption Option

January 4, 2005 - Tuesday
2:22 PM to 3:22 PM (EST)
Guest Speakers: Carolyn Berger, LMCSW, Adoption Coordinator, Board Member and Past Chair of The American Fertility Association

Categories
Adoption • International Adoption

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Lisa_Rosenthal	Hi Esme, thanks for joining us this evening.
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Good evening everyone, thanks for joining us this evening!
Lisa_Rosenthal	How did you all hear about tonight's session?
snowturner	I got an e-mail about tonights chat
esme	Also an AFA email
Lisa_Rosenthal	Wonderful, I love it when the emails work!
Jen	I saw it on one of the message boards
snowturner	Yes, the e-mails are definitely a good way to get people to join in.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Great, are you guys here specifically to hear about adoption this evening?
snowturner	Yes, my husband I just decided recently to go the adoption route. We are going to try and adopt from Russia.
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brenhurley	Type here Yes, I'm interested in adoption - specifically for single parents as well
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carolynb	Hi, my name is Carolyn Berger. I am an adoptive parent and a social worker. I'm also the Adoption Coordinator of the AFA and AFA's past chair. I believe that you can empower yourself by learning about adoption before, during, and after infertility. treatment. Just knowing that there is indeed another option out there (with an extremely high take-home-baby rate) can help you relax and explore. Adoption is not a cure for the losses of infertility, but it can help you reach the goal of becoming a parent. This is is a great time to explore the new terrain of adoption with others who are just starting to explore. Talking with people who have already adopted also provides a real-life look at adoption.
lauraeday	Yes, I'm interested in adoption
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carolynb	Type here great! I'm glad you're here!
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equality	equality has joined room #family building
esme	Yes, including older young children (rather than infant)
equality	The difference between international and domestic adoptions
carolynb	Children adopted internationally tend to be older. Domestice equals infants.
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carolynb	esme, you may be interested in domestic from social services or international.
Hall	Good evening!::smile
Lisa_Rosenthal	Thanks to everyone who is joining us this evening, especially our speaker this evening. Carolyn Berger!!!
localhost	[2009] touser Our presenter this evening is Carolyn Berger. She is an adoptive parent, a social worker, the AFA Adoption Coordinator, and the former Chair of the AFA.
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localhost	[2009] touser Learning about adoption before, during, and after medical treatment for infertility can empower you and give you hope. As you learn about adoption you may come to believe that, with its high take-home-baby rate, this is the way you will become a parent. But for now, let yourself learn about adoption in as relaxed a way as you can muster: if you have just finished infertility treatment, you owe yourself some time to explore. In the meantime, ask me your adoption questions! Tell me your adoption concerns! (Hint: There are NO stupid questions!)
carolynb	Thanks, Lisa!
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carolynb	Any questions or concerns about adoption. When I got started I knew next to nothing.
lauraeday	Where is the best place to start?
Hall	My husband and I have talked about adoption since our first date. He is currently undergoing treatment for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (stage IV) and we are going to be entering a stem cell transplant program shortly. I've tried looking online for information about adoption and especially international adoption (Latin American countries). But there is so much out there, its hard to know whose reputable and where to start. Help?!
Lisa_Rosenthal	Carolyn, we are so pleased that you could join us this evening! Can you give us some highlights on what to expect when trying to stop treatment and embrace adoption?
snowturner	I am brand new to adoption and need all the help that I can get.
swhite4839	me too
carolynb	A couple of books including The Idiot's Guide to Adoption and talking to anyone you know who has adopted.
brenhurley	What are the best countries and/or agencies to go through when pursuing adoption as a single parent? Are there any pitfalls I should be aware of with this?
Hall	We are the only ones in our group of friends who have not "conceived naturally" and are looking into adoption.
lauraeday	Is it easier to adopt internationally or within the US?
carolynb	Another book--Adopting After Infertility can be helpful.
localhost	[2009] touser Please feel free to post questions for Ms. Berger. Keep in mind that you may need to repost them as the room is quite busy. You may want to save your questions in a word document instead of having to retype them.
Lisa_Rosenthal	lauraeday, if there's one thing that I've learned from Carolyn, it's that each method has it's own set of difficulties and parts that are easy.
carolynb	You can adopt from so many countries: China, Columbia and Russia to name a few. You should start looking into agencies at conferences, adoption fairs, and referrals from friends you know.
Hall	Carolyn, once you decide to look into adoption. Where do you begin? How do you begin? What's the best first step to make.
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swhite4839	I've just complete 2 unsucessful IVf treatments and I am presently starting my home stidy for adoption. Can please tell how long is the wait and what should i expect.
carolynb	Lisa, that's so true! Independent adoption is great if you are the entrepreneurial type for example.
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localhost	[2009] touser The American Fertility Association has free membership! Please go online and you will have access to all our publications at "No Barriers".
carolynb	Hal, I started by looking at agencies. Then heard of an adoption attorney from a local adoptive parents group. Went to him for a consult, and that's how I began.
snowturner	Does anybody know of a lending source to help fund adoption?
carolynb	swhite, each adoption has its own timeline. You need to get the parameters from your adoption attorney or agency.
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swhite4839	Thanx's
jaclynhoek	Carolyn, can you give us a quick summary of your personal experience with adoption? How many children...independent or agency...from what country, etc...? Thank you.
Hall	How do you know if an agency that you pick out of the phone book or google hit list is reputable? There are so many stories out there, good and bad about agencies that don't represent themselves truthfully. How do you know if you're dealing with a good agency? What are the things to look for or questions to ask?
carolynb	snowturner, great question! You can adopt through social services for very little money. I don't know about "scholarships." You will get tax credit for adoption compliments of Bill Clinton!
Lisa_Rosenthal	We are so lucky to have Carolyn and other adoption professionals moderate the adoption message board on The AFA site. If you are looking into adoption, please consider using the message board, both for professional help and peer support.
snowturner	I thought there are banks that lend towards adoption.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Snowturner, there is an agency in Danbury CT. Try doing a google search. I am not sure of their name.
brenhurley	Do you have any suggestions for adopting as a single parent?
Lisa_Rosenthal	Capitol 1 may also have a program that lends money specifically for adoption.
carolynb	Hall, when you find out about an agency call your state's agency regulation group. It is invaluable for you to talk with others who have used your lawyer or agency.
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localhost	[2009] touser Our presenter this evening is Carolyn Berger. She is an adoptive parent, a social worker, the AFA Adoption Coordinator, and the former Chair of the AFA.
Hall	Snow...check with your benefits coordinator at work also. More and more companies offer adoption benefits as well to help with costs or time.
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carolynb	brenhurley, you can do it! A birth mother can choose you through independent adoption or you can adopt internationally. Guatemala for instance is good for singles.
localhost	[2009] touser Learning about adoption before, during, and after medical treatment for infertility can empower you and give you hope. As you learn about adoption you may come to believe that, with its high take-home-baby rate, this is the way you will become a parent. But for now, let yourself learn about adoption in as relaxed a way as you can muster: if you have just finished infertility treatment, you owe yourself some time to explore. In the meantime, ask me your adoption questions! Tell me your adoption concerns! (Hint: There are NO stupid questions!)
swhite4839	When you have adpoted a child how do you tell them that are adopted.
snowturner	Is anyone here trying to adopt from Russia?
carolynb	swhite, you start talking about it right away. This way you get practice and your child learns about adoption graduallly. There are workshops on this topic, too.
snowturner	Do you know of any good international adoption agencies in Maryland?
carolynb	snowturner, you might want to contact FRUA, an organization for people who have adopted from Russia.
snowturner	What is FRUA?
swhite4839	Do you have to tell them.
carolynb	snowturner, Creative Adoption Has an office in Maryland.
carolynb	Sorry, FRUA is Families for Russian Ukrainian Adoption.
Hall	What all is involved in a Home Evaluation?
carolynb	swhite, we have learned that children do much better when they are told they are adopted. Children who find out later feel a sense of betrayal.
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snowturner	My husband and I would like to adopt siblings. Hopefully, a boy and a girl. Is this difficult to find in Russia?
carolynb	Hall, the home study is when a social worker meets with you in your home to find out why you want to adopt. Almost everyone "passes" the home study, but one of its purposes is to rule out people who probably wouldn't be good parents, I.e. serial killers.
Hall	I think we're safe there! ::smile
carolynb	snowturner, siblings often come out of russia together.
Hall	After a Home Study, what's the next step or obstacle?
carolynb	Hall, so glad to hear it!
sblm	Is it costly to adopt from overseas?
jaclynhoek	Carolyn, do adoption agencies consider it a "negative" if a couple starts to look into adoption while continuing infertility treatments?
localhost	[2009] touser Our presenter this evening is Carolyn Berger. She is an adoptive parent, a social worker, the AFA Adoption Coordinator, and the former Chair of the AFA.
carolynb	Hall, it depends. If you're adopting internationally you have to get a dossier of information together. If you're adopting domestically, once your fingerprints are cleared, you can begin to advertise.
snowturner	What exactly is a dossier?
Hall	What is involved or compromises putting together the dossier?
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carolynb	snowturner, a dossier is a collection of info on you, all notarized at least once. You have to take it step by step with the support of your agency as it is labor intensive.
equality	Are most social service agencies involved in a foster-adopt process?
carolynb	Hal, if you're good at details you're good at dossiers. If not, you get support!
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snowturner	How long does a dossier take to put together? What information is in it?
Hall	I can handle details, especially with some guideance. Question, the stigma of inter-racial adoption seems to be fading. Is it difficult internationally to adopt a child if the couple is white but the baby is not?
carolynb	equality, yes and it's a great way to go about adopting. You should have a good chance to bring an infant into your home this way.
Queens_College	Was interested in Tajikistan until told that as single, age 52 only available would be adolescent children of alcoholic mothers who the State took away and no video tapes or medical records available prior to travel. Walked away from the agency. Which agencies allow you to pre-select a child ? Is China still over-subscribed for single women?
Lisa_Rosenthal	Carolyn,
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Lisa_Rosenthal	you are doing a great job keeping up with all these questions. Thank you so much for joining us this evening and sharing your expertise!
carolynb	Hal, transracial adoption is very often the name of the game in international adoption.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Welcome Jeannie, thanks for joining us this evening!
localhost	[2009] touser The American Fertility Association has a set of message boards, several which are moderated by a physician daily. Please feel free to stop by and ask questions there as well! Also, "Connections" will meet every week for an online educational session. Please check the schedule on our home page.
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Hall	Are the adoption agencies limited in whom is able to work international and domestic adoptions? I think we're all interested in the same thing. Being good parents. There are children available and the perception seems to be that going internationally vs domestically, you can cut down on the delay and time spent waiting. Fact or fiction?
carolynb	queenscollege, I would try another agency. Also, contact Families With Children From China.
carolynb	Hall, yes international adoption can cut down on the waiting time. They can usually give you a pretty good idea of how long it will take, too.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Please make sure that you check out the message boards on The AFA home site. We are lucky enough to have Carolyn and other adoption professionals answering questions. And it's a great place to find peer support and advice.
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jeannieinaustin	Hi, thanks for lending your expertise in this arena. We have been on the infertility journey for quite some time now. We have always felt that adoption would be part of our lives. Since we are of Mexican ethnicity, we are very interested in adopting from there. However, we have found very little info. about Mexican adoptions. Can you shed any light on this? Thanks.
snowturner	Carolyn-what should a couple expect when they go to an orphanage in Russia? I have heard that it is hard to look at all the kids inside the orphanage. I know adopting from Russia you go twice to Russia. How hard is it to leave the child behind and then to go back over 3 weeks later.
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carolynb	jeannie, I do not have an agency to recommend, although I am sure they are out there.
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jaclynhoek	Carolyn, what is the youngest age of children available for international adoptions?
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snowturner	I know Russia the youngest you can adopt is 6 mths.
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carolynb	snowturner, they usually assign you a child in Russia. You go and meet the child, say yes or no, and return to the US. There are many different programs in the former Soviet Union so I can't generalize too much. Yes, it is hard to leave a child you have begun to bond with.
carolynb	jac, possibly a 6-month old out of Guatemala.
localhost	[2009] touser The American Fertility Association has free membership! Please go online and you will have access to all our publications at "No Barriers".
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equality	Is there any country where you can adopt a three month old child?
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Hall	Carolyn, what organization is a good sponsor for the adoption seminars? Someone whom we can look up online to find schedules or additional resources.
carolynb	equality, only the US as far as I know.
jmm	I just signed on. Is there a way to read what I've missed so far.
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carolynb	Hal, it would help if I knew where you live.
brenhurley	equality, I was looking into Colombia recently and there were children as young as 4 months - chsfs.org
Hall	Oh! Sorry about that, I'm in Florida (West Coast, south of Tampa).
snowturner	Carolyn- do you know of any support groups in Maryland? All of my friends are pregnant and or have children. I am finding that I need to find a group of women that can understand what I am going through.
equality	Thanks brenhurley!
carolynb	hal, that helps. I would check your phone book or do a google search for local adoptive parents groups. You can then get support and information.
Hall	I've got the yellow pages open in front of me and did a search in another window. I'll try doing a search for adoptive parents group and see what I can find from there.
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carolynb	hal, you are resourceful! One of the great things about adoption is the more you learn the more you will then share with other would-be adoptive parents. Your teacher training is beginning!
Lisa_Rosenthal	jmm, the transcript from this online session will be posted within 5-6 days. There, you can read the entire hour!
localhost	[2009] touser Our presenter this evening is Carolyn Berger. She is an adoptive parent, a social worker, the AFA Adoption Coordinator, and the former Chair of the AFA.
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Hall	What can I say, I'm a Capricorn and once my mind is made up...Katie bar the door (as my Mom used to say). Multi-tasking is what a Mom (or want to be Mom) has to be these days.
jmm	We're American citizens living in Madrid, Spain. What are our best options for adoption (i.e. which countries)?
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carolynb	Hall, you are so right!
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Lisa_Rosenthal	The AFA has introduced coaching groups which are phone based and can meet anywhere.
carolynb	jmm, you might begin with Spain. You could talk to the U.S. embassy there and find out if Americans are adopting from Spain. You can adopt from almost any country--the key is to do it correctly so that when you bring the child into the US he/she will become a US citizen. The main thing is to find out if any child you find is truly available for adoption.
snowturner	Lisa-what exactly are the coaching groups?
Lisa_Rosenthal	If you look under "No Barriers" on our home page, which is our free membership.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Go to our last publication and you will be able to find the information.
Lisa_Rosenthal	otherwise, I can post it on the adoption message board, which might be simpler!
snowturner	If you could post it to the adoption message board that would be great!
carolynb	The coaching groups provide a great way to get info and support!
jmm	Any comments on adoption vs. egg donation?
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Snowturner, I just posted it. The AFA board members that are running this program have been specifically trained and are long time members. They are simply wonderful.
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localhost	[2009] touser The American Fertility Association has a set of message boards, several which are moderated by a physician daily. Please feel free to stop by and ask questions there as well! Also, "Connections" will meet every week for an online educational session. Please check the schedule on our home page.
carolynb	jmm, many people find themselves trying to decide which way to go. As in adoption you are adding another genetic parent to the equation. As in adoption there is generally a need to tell the child of his/her genetic background. The people who usually choose ovum donation over adoption want to experience pregnancy and birth.
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Hall	I have a concern. Because of my husbands medical needs at this time, we are looking to adopt/have a child in our home around the end of the year (at which point his medical situation should be completely different). Can we be denied adoption because of this? Should we look into my adopting alone versus as a married couple?
snowturner	How realistic is it to adopt a caucasin infant in the US, if we don't know anyone or have a relationship close to someone?
localhost	[2009] touser Learning about adoption before, during, and after medical treatment for infertility can empower you and give you hope. As you learn about adoption you may come to believe that, with its high take-home-baby rate, this is the way you will become a parent. But for now, let yourself learn about adoption in as relaxed a way as you can muster: if you have just finished infertility treatment, you owe yourself some time to explore. In the meantime, ask me your adoption questions! Tell me your adoption concerns! (Hint: There are NO stupid questions!)
carolynb	Hall, your husband will need to disclose his medical needs during the home study. He will need to show that he can parent a child, and that his health will not get in the way of this. I wouldn't jump to adopt independently. Many people with medical issues have gone on to adopt successfully.
Hall	Good to hear! Thank you!
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Carolyn, do you have any feelings about what people might need to do to grieve the loss of a biological child before moving onto adoption? Or to anticipate moments and times of grieving after the adoption of a child?
momwannabe	Type hereI'm considering adoption, but not yet ready to give up on other options, eg donor. Any suggestions?
carolynb	Hall, you're welcome! I know a social worker who had just dealt with breast cancer before adopting. That was 20 years ago, and she is dealing with paying college tuition these days!
Hall	I'll gladly welcome that! We have faith and have not given up!
Hall	Momwannabe...there is nothing wrong in looking into adoption and learning more about it. If nothing else, it can be filed in the back of your brain until you may be ready to explore further. Best wishes!
james63_prtc.net	Tyhpe here
Lisa_Rosenthal	Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to know that you are all pioneers here this evening. This is the first adoption session that we have done, and a huge thank you to all of you for making it succesful. Especially to Carolyn Berger, who has done an outstanding job answering questions in a thoughtful, comprehensive, and compassionate way! Bravo to everyone here this evening.
carolynb	lisa, as they all say, adopting does not cure infertility. It DOES provide the opportunity to parent. We no longer tell people to complete the grief process before adopting. That grief is something that will come up again and again. Each time we hope we are resolving those feelings further.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Thanks for answering that for me, Carolyn
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Lisa_Rosenthal	We have just a few minutes left. Any questions that may come up after tonight's session, please feel free to post on our adoption message board...
carolynb	lisa, thanks to you for the opportunity to be here tonight!
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Hall	Thank you Carolyn for the start.
localhost	[2009] touser Please feel free to post questions for Ms. Berger. Keep in mind that you may need to repost them as the room is quite busy. You may want to save your questions in a word document instead of having to retype them.
carolynb	hall, my pleasure!
esme	Lisa and Carolyn, thanks for the "chat"
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Hall	When will be the next "Adoption Talk"?
carolynb	esme, thanks for being here!
equality	Thanks. I have never done this before and found it to be very worthwhile
carolynb	equality, good to meet you!
ellerw	What is the general time frame for domestic adoption vs. international - ie China, Russia, Ukraine?
Lisa_Rosenthal	Hall, we will be doing about one a month....please check the schedule. if you are not signed up for no barriers, please do so. it is free and you will get reminders.
localhost	[2009] touser The American Fertility Association has free membership! Please go online and you will have access to all our publications at "No Barriers".
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Carolyn, thanks again for joining us, you were very brave and did a wonderful job. (As I knew that you would!)
carolynb	ellerw, domestic adoption can take 3 months or 3 years. International can take 6-18 months, with a more predictable timetable.
kslleung	Hi .. I joined late ... will there be a transcript of the chat ...thks
carolynb	lisa, thanks so much. You are a master at this!
Lisa_Rosenthal	kslleung, there will be a session of tonight's session within 5-6 days
Lisa_Rosenthal	Carolyn, my pleasure, I'm so glad that you did this tonight. It was a lovely, interesting session...
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kslleung	repeat session ..great .. thanks .. - kate
momwannabe	How do we find transcripts?
equality	Leaving #family Building
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Lisa_Rosenthal	momwannabe, just go to schedule and you will see previous schedule, that is where the transcripts are
Lisa_Rosenthal	Thanks again Carolyn, we will let you go. Please all of you do feel free to stop by our message boards. They are a great help and comfort.
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wannababy	Good night and thanks for letting me listen
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carolynb	Thanks again, Lisa. I will check the message board tomorrow for any additional questions and concerns.
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Night to all, I hope to see you next week. Carolyn, big hugs and thank you for this special evening.
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carolynb	Good Night!
snowturner	thank you
Lisa_Rosenthal	Good night
carolynb	snowturner, you are welcome!
kslleung	bye ... thank you.
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Hall	Carolyn thank you. Lots of questions, but its a start and that's what counts!
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Hall, hate to beat a dead horse, but do check out the message board. great place to get more answers
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Hall	Thanks Lisa. My girlfriend sent me the link about tonight's chat. Honestly the first I'd heard of your group. I'm going to get my email on the sign up for more information and take my time to fully explore the site. Thanks for the start.
Lisa_Rosenthal	where'd your girlfriend know of us?
Hall	She and I have talked about our fertility issues and she's much more computer savvy than I. She found your site in doing some research and was kind enough to share the email about tonight's chat. They're getting ready to try IVF. If that doesn't work, they're not sure of their next step. She's not ready to think about adoption yet. She really just wants to be pregnant and experience it all. Like I said earlier, my husband and I discussed it on our first date and don't really consider it to be a stigma or sign of giving up. We just want the opportunity to be good parents...either way.
Lisa_Rosenthal	How healthy and refreshing. Parenting is what is all about, let me tell you from experience.
Hall	I've known since the first day that I met him (our 4th anniversary of our meeting is tomorrow) is that he'd make a wonderful Dad! (I've told him I'd love to see him working with elementary school kids...they just love him!) While I'm scared about being a Mom, I think between the two of us, we even out pretty well.
Hall	Thanks again Lisa. Have a good night.
Lisa_Rosenthal	He will not be the perfect Dad, nor you the perfect Mom, but most parents do even each other out. Good night
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Exploring the Adoption Option

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