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Help! I need somebody!

Getting the support you need as you explore adoption

June 20, 2006 - Tuesday
6:52 PM to (EST)
Guest Speakers: Sam Pitowksy
President: Adoptive Parents Association, NYC

Categories
Adoption • International Adoption • IVF


Session Date: June 20 , 2006 - Tuesday
Guest Speaker: Sam Pitowksy
President: Adoptive Parents Association, NYC
Topic: Help! I need somebody!
Getting the support you need as you explore adoption

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samapc Thats Fine
samapc all questions are welcome
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pulley3 hi, Sam
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bob_and_margie is this about adoption?
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samapc Just a reminder i am slow
samapc This is all about adoption
deb_capone jo
samapc I just want to say if you work hard at adoption you can be successful
bob_and_margie we have three failed ivf cycles...can't take much more disappointment...how do we know we will be successful. I hear horror stories about adoption all the time
samapc It really works to know where people are/
bob_and_margie What are our real chances to get an infant.
samapc Adoption is a matter of working hard When you do sucess rate are 99 percent
bob_and_margie what do you mean working hard?
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samapc Infants in adoption range from popping fresh newborns to 2 year olds it deoend on what you are looking for
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bob_and_margie we really want a newborn....but I am afraid that the mother may change her mind after we have become attached to the baby.
samapc Adoption is part of aalternative way of having a family not a second choice
samapc In Ny stae the mother has 45 days to change her mind in aindependent adoption
samapc if you do it legally with anadoption attorney or agency the mothers rights are REMINATED
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samapc sorry that was terminated
samapc this adecreasing anxiety level if a birthmother changes her mind it is at birth or immediately afterwoods not on the 45th day
DBecker It is good to be here, thanks
samapc The kind of work is to be sure that this is what you want
samapc Second you have to decide what type of child you want not what you can get but what you really want
carolynb margie and bob: It is actually rare that a birthmother will change her mind. If she does you can surely continue on to adopt. I know this because it happened to me.
deb_capone what happened?
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bob_and_margie good question...a birth mother changed her mind?
samapc The reserch that you can do is SECONDARY to the idea of being able to decide that it is more important to be aparent than pregnant
samapc There are failed situations that happen for various reasons waht you need to know is that you STILL can be a parent you can be sucessful
samapc Parent support groups wether it is APC or any other help tremendously in dealing with the anxuiety as well as the stress of waiting
carolynb bob and margie: You may opt to adopt internationally where the birthmother changing her mind isn't a real possibility, and bring home an older child (i.e. 10 months) instead. It depends on how strongly you want to avoid the possibility of a birhtmother changing her mind.
deb_capone Let's back up a minute, Sam. Let's say that a person has decided that they want to adopt. What is the first step?
deb_capone And what resources are available that can help people sort things out.
samapc The first sep is to make sure that adoption is REALLY something you can handle
carolynb deb: there are some excellent books out there, i.e. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption by Chris Adamec. The book maps out all your options re. adoption.
samapc Second write down 25 questions about adoption that are important issues. do not answer them together
samapc answer them separately and than without killing each other decide the type of child you are looking for and can accept
samapc It si important to understand that thousand of adoptions happen every year sadly the only ones that get the attention are the failed ones
deb_capone What types of questions should we be writing down?
samapc Domestiv vb international is always one of the key decisions involved in adoption
deb_capone Can you hit some of the pros and cons on each side.
samapc Questions such as 1) age of child being very specific 2) sex of the child if that is an issue 3)ethinicity of the child
samapc 4) abilty to travel 5) finaces 6)
deb_capone Can people really get that specific? Does being that specific decrease the chances of a successful adoption?
samapc The basic differences betwen domestic an internation are three
samapc 1) age of the child in domestic usually they are poppin fresh newborns where internationally they re at least 6 months of age up to two years
samapc 2) knowledge of birthfamily in international you will have NO knowledge of the family or their history
samapc in domestic you will meet the birthfamily
carolynb carolynb: do you always have that opportunity in domestic adoption?
samapc 3) ethiicnicity of the hild in international it is known that you child is adopted YOU have to be comfortable with this issue
samapc In domestic it is IMPRTANT to at least meet the birtmother both for you, for her as well as your child
samapc do not be afraid of this issue
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samapc talking to other adopted parents will tell you what a great expierence it is
carolynb How does one find other adoptive parents?
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samapc Ther are support groups for families looking to adopt or for those who have already adopted
samapc the sharing is the important issue
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samapc any other questions please feel free to ask
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carolynb I think we can wrap this up, Sam!
deb sorry, I got disconnected.
carolynb shall we continue then?
samapc Any other questions
samapc is it just us three
deb Sam, before you go, can you elaborate on the role of groups like the APC. Why should someone seek them out before adoption.
deb Bob/Margie or Pulley3-feel free to ask Sam any questions you might have.
pulley3 I am just starting to think about adoption, so i am just a lurker
samapc Support groups are an important part of the adoption process. Having someone to share the feelings , strss and questions with is very important.
pulley3 this has been great, though. I was wondering if you know of any groups like the ones you are discussing in California? Southern, actually.
samapc Trying to become a parent in a slightly differnt than originally planned way is a very sometimes lonly place to be that other do not understand
pulley3 are many people in your group coming to adoption after fertility?
pulley3 treatments?
samapc being with other adoptive parents and prospective parents makes the journey easier shorter and more enjpyablr
bob_and_margie we are on the fence....as i said earlier, three failed cycles...we are just not sure.
samapc Most families coming from infertility treatments is the largest portion of our preadopt membership
bob_and_margie how do they make the transition?
bob_and_margie it seems like a big leap
samapc it is a very difficult journey to move from treatment to adoption
samapc again it comes down to your dreams
samapc they usually are not about the pregnancy but about the CHILD
samapc Adoption is an alternative way of fulfiling that dream
samapc it is a very large leap
samapc adoption is not a badge of failure but a true badge of LOVE
carolynb But SO worth the risk for so many of us!
bob_and_margie I wish we felt more comfortable, more sure. The dream was for a biological child, not just a child.
samapc two criminals can have a baby but they v can not adopt
bob_and_margie lol
samapc the dream is about putting your thoughts, love ideals and moral on to a child.
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carolynb Many people have to mourn the biological child they can't have before deciding to adopt.
deb welcome, wantbundle of joy...you are just catching last few minutes with Sam Pitowsky, adoptive father and President of the Adoptive Parent's committee in NYC
wantbundleofjoy Sorry I'm late!
samapc not late
deb no problem, we are talking adoption....any questions for Sam...
samapc any particular questions
deb not to put you on the spot or anything!
samapc couple or single
wantbundleofjoy My husband and I are just starting gathering info. in the event that infertility leads us to adoption. Any suggestions about an agency that two teachers can afford??
samapc Part of what we were discussing was first deciding what child since you will now have choice that you would be able to accept and adopt
samapc no matter waht infertility treatment the rate of sucess might be 50 percent in adoption it is 99 percent
wantbundleofjoy We want a child pre-memory (no older than 2-3), and are open to foreign: Russian, Ukranian, but need an affordable agency & one that's not discriminatory (I'm 39 and he's 41).
wantbundleofjoy we'd prefer domestic, of course
samapc I know you are not going to really believe this but you have many options
wantbundleofjoy ::rolleyes
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samapc from domestic poppin fresh newborns to doing a international adoption where children range from 9months until year and half
pulley3 Kconnaghan, Welcome...we are at the tail end our session with Sam Pitowsky, adoptive dad and president of the Adoptive parents committee in NYC.
wantbundleofjoy through which agency/agencies?
samapc in domestic adoption there are two ways
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samapc one is working with an agency the other is working with an adoption attorney
deb Sam and friends, as always, the hour passes much too quickly. We were lucky to hear so much from Sam tonight. This is going to be a great archive, too!
wantbundleofjoy which is necessarily cheaper?
samapc in international it is highly recomended that you work only with acrediated licensed agencies
deb Sam, we need for you to make some closing remarks.
carolynb sam, thanks so much!
samapc First I was amazed that I as even able to do this
deb As a reminder, if you aren't a member of The AFA-there is no time like right now to join. Our "No Barriers" membership is always free. Go to www.theafa.org.
samapc Second I am more than willing to continue off line or at an APC meeting later in the year
carolynb sam, how can people reach you?
wantbundleofjoy yes, can I have your email?
deb Also, there is more info on this topic in our June Connections newsletter. Carolyn Berger, The AFA's adoption guru is featured in the June issue. It too, is available online.
samapc What is most imprtant is that adoption is possible and you can give achild apermanentloving home
samapc while at the same time fulfill your dreams and fantasies
deb Good parting words! Thank you so much, Sam.
samapc my email is samapc @aol.com my number is 212 304 8479
deb From all of us at The AFA, we wish you a good night and we'll see you next week.
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samapc my website is adoptiveparents.org
carolynb thanks, deb!
wantbundleofjoy thank you very much!
deb Good night Carolyn.
samapc thank you
deb Sam, you were fabulous, as always....please come back again, soon.
samapc ANYTIME NOW THAT I SEE HOW THIS WORKS
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