Holiday Survival Strategies

December 19, 2006 - Tuesday
1:09 PM to (EST)
Guest Speakers: Andrea Braverman, Ph.D.
Reproductive Medicine Associates of NJ

Categories
Infertility • IVF • Pregnancy

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Corey_Whelan	Thank you all for joining us for tonight's session of The American Fertility Association's online educational series. Tonight's guest speaker is Andrea Braverman, Ph.D., the Director of Psychological and Complementary Care at one of the most renowned and respected IVF centers operating in the U.S. today - Reproductive Medicine Associates of New Jersey. We welcome her and appreciate that she is taking her time to answer your questions tonight.
Corey_Whelan	The goal of tonight's chat is to help all of us to cope with a very difficult time of year. I'm Corey Whelan, The AFA's Director of Development and I'll be your moderator this evening. I am a mom of IVF twins, and I can remember one very horrible xmas eve, sitting on my sister in law's couch, and getting menstrual cramps after what I suddenly realized was an unsuccessful IUI. I will never forget that moment.
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Corey_Whelan	Tonight we welcome guest speaker Andrea Braverman, Ph.D., the Director of Psychological and Complementary Care at Reproductive Medicine Associates of New Jersey.
Corey_Whelan	Feel free to ask Dr. Braverman any questions that you have about coping with the holidays, and with extended family members at this time.
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Good evening everyone.
Corey_Whelan	Hi Dr.Braverman, thank you for joining us!
pfd	good evening. I am looking forward to this.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	It's my pleasure. We'll just wait for others to join us at this point I guess.
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	How is everyone doing? How have the holidays been treating you so far?
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pfd	They are much harder than I remember last year. I have not handled them well this year.
Bree	Hi Dr. Braverman. I know we haven't really started yet, but I wonder if I can ask you.....I am really dreading xmas at my grandmother's house. She's in her 80's and heavily petitioning me for a baby. She doesn't know about my problems with conceiving, my mother is embarressed to tell her. How do I get through this?
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	No problem starting a bit earlier. Grandmothers are a particular challenge. Sometimes it's helpful just to let your grandmother that "it's not so easy" when asked when you are going to have a baby. But regardless of whether you want to share or not, it's best to rehearse what you want to say so you don't get caught off guard.
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pfd	WE have decided to go away just the two of us. My husband's grandmother does not about our problems but doesnt seem to get it. She gave us a hard time when we told her we were going away. I think people forget or just dont understand or just dont know how to handle it. That leaves us in a terrible bind.
Bree	Thank you Dr. I guess the hardest part is that I feel guilty about not getting pregnant, but also angry at my mother and my grandmother. My husband doesn't want to get involved in this little "triangle" either.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Also "handling" the holidays really gets down to what you set your expectations to be. It's kind of hard not to react to all the holiday cheer and all the advertising geared to children and families. Plus it's another calender marker about how much time has gone by. It helps to look at your expectations and see if they're set too high.
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Going away and causing some anger may be better than staying around and causing greater problems. That includes going to certain parties or gatherings.
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Corey_Whelan	Thanks pfd and Bree.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Being angry with family is pretty hard at this time of year, especially when all the shows and stories are geared towards family harmony and togetherness.....
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pfd	I got disconnected. I am sorry. I hope it is alright. I am just chiming in. I will shutup.
Corey_Whelan	no, you're here to talk, not to shut up!!!!
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	If we can't talk here, where can we? A psychologist's worst nightmare is when no one talks. So thanks for talking.
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pfd	i wrote something long about your comment about the passage of time before i got disconnected. Did that go through?
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Unfortunately no.
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Cait	Hi everybody. Can I just jump in? I am flippiing out, my best friend got pregnant through ivf just a week ago. I am so happy for her but truthfully? Devastated. It is making it really hard for me to put on a happy face. It was her first try. I'm going onto my second try early next year. I feel SO BAD about feeling bad!!!!
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satie37	Dr Braverman, I am in my 40's and encounter very negative attitudes from some people when they find out I am trying to get pregnant.... this can be very hurtful. How can I best handle this?
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Rule #1 - feelings are never right or wrong. It's what you do with them that can be right or wrong. Feeling badly that your friend got pregnant is fair. Taking it out on her isn't. I suspect you have not lashed out at your friend. But feel what you feel - absolutely.
pfd	You mentioned, Dr, that the holidays are a marker of the passage of time. That is the hardest part for me. Everyone tells me to look forward to the new year. That is hard to do as I am in the 4th holidays season since we started trying to getpregnant. I have three losses. It is very hard to stay positive and to feel the new year is a fresh start. People think I am negative when I dont jump foy joy about their suggestion . What can I saw o when peopel keep saying that? Do you understand what I am saying?
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	People love to have opinions about a lot of things that aren't about them. It's easy to make comments about age and such. I always want to tell them that building a family is NOT a group vote. Keep in mind that these other opinions are loaded with their own "stuff" to which you don't have access. Wanting a child and building your family is not built on age. But on your energy and drive to have a child.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	People love to give you advice so that they can feel better too. The comment to look forward to a new year falls into this category. They mean well but don't realize that there is a negative comment about how you're handling things. You can respond by wishing them all the best for the new year and try to ditch the conversation with them. Or just affirm that you have hopes that the new year is a good one for everyone. But don't engage them on a discussion - there's too much history for a brief conversation to get them to understand.
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Corey_Whelan	I remember when I was trying to get pregnant, the hardest thing for me was the baby nephews and nieces. Is anyone dealing with their siblings kids this y ear?
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pfd	thanks, ill try to think about it that way.
kat011870	My first time here...not sure how this works.....do we just chat?
Corey_Whelan	Hi kat, and welcome, yes, we just chat. Dr. Andrea Braverman of Reproductive Medicine Associates of New Jersey is here to answer your questions.
pfd	I dont have a problem with our siblings kids, the kids are fine, it is the adults that drive me crazy. The siblings themselves. Anyone else, or just me? I love being around kids. I ahve a hard time around the adults because they say the clueless things.
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pfd	Maybe because my neices and nephews arent babies. if they were that might make it harder.
Corey_Whelan	Dr. Braverman is the Director of Psychological and Complementary Care.
kat011870	Corey, yes I have a one year old niece and it has been really hard for the past 6 mos or so while we have been trying. I couldn;t even bring myself to see her for about 2 mos
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	For some it really depends on the age of the kids. And how much attention gets focused only on the children.
98rajc	Dr., my wife and I have been trying for 4 years and have never, have both been examined every which way, with no answers. We are going up to her parents for the Holiday. Both of my wife's sisters will be there, both with there own babies and both are younger than my wife and I. It is very upsetting to both of us, but especially my wife. She is always very sweet and gracious in front of the family but I know it hurts. What is the best way for me to be supportive and help her cope?
christalp	I have two sisters, one has a daughter 4 and the other a son 11 and a daughter 3. It is hard to stay happy all the time. You love your nieces and nephews but you want to experience Christmas with your own.
kat011870	Another really hard thing has been a fellow teacher who got pregnant via iui (same as we're trying) but she got preg first try and is now 6mos. I see her every day at work and watch her belly grow...hard
pfd	yeah ,,kat, i have a hard time at work too. a lot of people I supervise have been having babies and dont know about my losses. They tell me so much detail, it is so hard.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	I think the best support can be to take breaks during the day for both of you just to check in and see how you are doing. Your wife may want to keep her feelings and reactions at arm's length until through the day. If that's the case, then take some time after to let some of the feelings out. But stepping out to take a walk around the block, or finding a room with some quiet to talk, or just pulling out a game of cards or Scrabble to take a break for yourselves isn't a bad idea. Talk ahead of time about what might be helpful. Have a code word if you need one if the day builds up and it's just hard and you don't want everyone to know about it.
christalp	My husband and I have been trying for 1 1/2 years. I get so tired of people asking me when we are going to have a baby. What is the best way to respond so they will quit asking?
satie37	I think it helps to accept your own emotional reality. I found skipping the big Christmas thing and visiting my relatives for New YEars to be a better option for me. New Years is more of an adult celebration.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Watching another's pregnancy progress is so hard. There's no escaping from the visual reminder. Is there anyone at work you can share the harder days?
pfd	yes, i do have a person who does know everything. she is a huge support.
kat011870	I really like Dr's advice to take walks or time-outs to decompress...good ideas I may use. Yes, I am lucky enough to have two very supportive ladies across the hall from me at work.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Responding to people's questions about when you are going to have a baby means you and your partner have to decide whether you want to be private or whether you want to share. If sharing, you can let people know that it "you're working on it" or "it's not always so easy". If not sharing, you can deflect by telling them you are still newlyweds or telling them you'll put it on the "to do" list and try to move on with the next topic.
98rajc	Thank you Dr., your advice to take breaks is perfect considering the situation we'll be in. I can't beleive I didn't think of it. And my wife will be very appreciatve. Thank you so much.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Perspective is always easier on the outside. I'm glad it was helpful. Personally my breaks often involve food - so you know where I go when I get stressed....
christalp	Thank you Dr.
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kat011870	oh yeah...emotional eater here!!!!
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	New Year's is easier because it's not child centered to be sure (notice the alcohol advertisements show beautiful happy people and not kids). But the idea of the year turning another year can bring up some sadness or other reactions.
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joank	I found that this year, after trying to conceive for 3 years, I just couldn't motivate to send holiday cards or buy gifts for friends children like I always have in years past. Will they understand??
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	You can't control whether they understand. It's most important that you understand. If you are making the decision to take care of you, then that's just fine. It's not against them - it's for you.
christalp	Dr. that is an excellent point to remind us. We sometimes forget that we have to take care of yourselves before we can take care of others.
joank	thanks. that makes me feel better about it.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	What do you all find difficult? Is it the parties? The child focus? The relatives? Is it imaging where you thought you'd be? For those of you with losses, does it bring up memories?
iluvtwizzlers2	Yes to all, especially the imagining where we'd be and bringing up memories
joank	For me it is mostly imagining where I thought we'd be. In my "life plan", I thought I'd be on baby #2 by now...
karen76	I think the hardest part is that we haven't let our families know. So when they make insensitive comments I get frustrated with them -- and then mad at myself since we're keeping this information from them. But we've decided to keep it private from our families for now, and I think that is the best decision for us at this time.
kat011870	I find it hard to think another year has gone by and we've still not gotten pregnant, and that makes me wonder if it will ever happen, which leads to wondering just how far we'll go w/treatment....and on and on the wheels and thoughts turn, one leading to another
christalp	For me, I find the relatives and the thoughts of were I thought we would be are the most difficult to handle. I love my nieces and nephew but I thought we might have a baby or at least be expecting one by now.
pfd	the losses, the markers of time just going by and some of the relatives are most difficult for me.actually, the cards that come are so hard. the pictures of all the new kids born, the pregnancies announced in holiday cards. it all justs ings so much. .
satie37	For me I feel like time is passing me by and everyone is moving forward and I am being left behind
iluvtwizzlers2	DH and I have been married for 11 years; we've been on this 'ride' off and on for several years; this is our first holiday season not on meds/blood draw/u-s cycle
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	As you can see, there is so much that we all feel at this time. It sort of just brings it right up to the surface and gets all the thoughts, hopes and memories going. I think it also makes it harder to stay hopeful when you get bombarded by all of this at one time. There's so much to handle on a day to day level that the holidays just adds more things to handle and it becomes the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Remember we all have limitations. We don't have an endless capactiy to handle things. So when things get too much, it's important to have some respect for the load that the holidays places on you. Otherwise you beat yourself up for not handling things well.
pfd	it seems like everyone is fertile b ut us here tonight and I feel I get slapped in the face with that over and over and over throughout the holidays.
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iluvtwizzlers2	since our miscarriage on Halloween 2004 (after IVF#1), we totally avoid malls/large shopping centers from Thanksgiving through 12/24
joank	I agree. We were in NYC this weekend and I swear that we were the only couple at Rockefeller Center tree, without kids
pfd	we are going to vegas for christmas weekend. hoping we are right that there wont be many kids there.
christalp	or everytime you turn around you see a girl with a 1 year and another on the way.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Going out into the malls and such does make it seem like everyone is fertile but you. But there are a lot of others out there - you just aren't going to notice them. Good for all of you to reach out tonight for when you can have company and support.
iluvtwizzlers2	to memorialize our losses, we purchased gifts for children who live at a State facility (we're in CT) the kids/their social workers submit wish lists; it was good to do together and get it done at Target almost within an hour
iluvtwizzlers2	we went to Disney World the weekend b4 Halloween this year (my first time ever... I'm 42 and DH is 44) ~ we had a fabulous time
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	How nice to reach out to others to memorialize your losses. And how nice to think about a trip away where it's hopefully kid safe. One task is to figure out where you can feel you can have some fun. Vegas, Disney
pfd	we went to disney too during the summer after a MC. the trip had already been planned. i wanted to cancel but we didnt. it was an awesome trip for us too. itreally is a magical place.
nkobal	i agree. sometimes going to a kid-friendly place just helps yo stay motivated in trying to get pregnant
iluvtwizzlers2	everyone was so happy; and it was so important for DH and I to have a total escape for ourselves ~ several restaurants we even felt were not kid-appropriate
iluvtwizzlers2	for me/us Walt Disney World symbolized the trip we've saved for when we have children... it was important to do it totally by ourselves and not with relatives
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	We have to make our own magic with this. Think of something you can do with your partner that is truly fun that has nothing to do with fertility. And think of something that you can do that affirms your strength and remind you that you will go on.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	We all get weary and we all need something to pump us up. So that's the challenge too. Keeping yourself strong. And keeping your relationship strong too. Having fun is always a good builder.
iluvtwizzlers2	we've consciously given ourselves time off to celebrate each other and our currently family of 2 (well, we got a golden retriever earlier this year so we're now 2 plus a furbaby); especially having losses on both sides of our families, Mother's Day/Father's Day/birthdays/anniversaries also hold similar challenges
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	My very overweight ridiculous dog can usually be counted on for fun. Sometimes you need to rely on a creative collection of supports. It can be furry friends. Human friends. inspirational books, articles or poems. Or sometimes it's connecting with a meaningful place (vising the shore, taking a walk in a park, etc.).
joank	After a MC in June and a failed FET in October, I vowed that I would take a couple months to relax before doing another IVF--- but I have found that I can't relax at all, and I am always obsessing over when my next procedure will be...
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	It's hard to take time off when your body goes through a menstrual cycle each month and the world keeps throwing stuff at you daily.
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christalp	My husband and I have had a cat since we got married. She has been easy to handle. We had a chocolate lab puppy come into our lives in May. She has been the challenge. We joke that she is just practice for the real baby. ::biggrin
karen76	Sometimes it really is hard to think of anything else. I've become so sensitive to every minor change in my body that it drives me crazy...
kat011870	THank you for some inspirational words and great coping ideas....I'm off to prepare for my first shot of repronex...a bit nervous, but will do fine I'm sure. Thanks again
iluvtwizzlers2	who knew we'd be in puppy kindergarten before any kids' schools... ::wub
Corey_Whelan	You're really an amazing group - this is the most inspirational chat I've been on in a long time
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	You'll do great. It's amazing what we learn to do.
christalp	Good luck Kat. Have a Merry Christmas.
Corey_Whelan	Dr. Braverman, you've really given us words to live by, not just applicable for this slice of life called "ttc"
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pfd	yes, thank you very very much. this is a chat I will save and re-read on the hard days. I can do that, right?
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	What we learn through infertility we can use in other challenging areas of our lives. Life doesn't stop "sharing" challenges with us. You guys really are doing great. Better than you give yourselves credit for. Look at all the strength, sensitivity and caring you have shown.
Corey_Whelan	yes, the transcripts hang forever. You can access them through this page
Corey_Whelan	We're at the ten minute warning bell, folks.
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Uh oh. My coping strategy with stress often being food is now forever available to all
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Corey_Whelan	Has anyone tried Yoga for Fertility?
iluvtwizzlers2	Wishing everyone happy holidays and a joyous, hopefully prosperous New Year!
Corey_Whelan	yoga and pilates are my best stress reducers.
Corey_Whelan	thank you, iluvtwizzlers
anl512	Dr. Braverman, I joined the chat room late, and missed some great advice!
Corey_Whelan	as mentioned, you can access the transcript but also, if you press action, above, the old posts are there now
anl512	Oh, thanks Corey, am new
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	All joking aside, I believe in having a large collection of coping strategies. One strategy isn't going to cut it. What works one day won't work another. So try yoga, exercise (when your MD says it's okay), reading, talking, walking, crafts, music and all sorts of things. And then, on a bad day, you've got ideas to try.
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pfd	Thank you so so much, Dr. Braverman and everyone else. You have helped me feel less alone tonight. Good luck to you all. In two weeks it will be overless than two weeks.
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hoping	i am thinking of taking 1/2 days off during my next IVF.. or better to just keep working?
anl512	I am inbetween retrieval and transfer, and am planning on taking at least 2 weeks off
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christalp	It is hard to remember that you are not alone in this situation. However, being here and reading what everyone else is going through gives me the strength to face one more day of this infertility. Thank you for all your support and strength. Merry Christmas to all. Thank you again Dr. Braverman.
hoping	2 weeks sounds preety good!
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	You're very welcome. We can wish and hope for all good things for the new year. And mostly not feeling alone is so important. Figure out ways to cut through the isolation. Friends are great. Sometimes counseling can help. Or joining a new class (art, history or whatever) and meeting new people can be helpful. Take an automotive repair class. Anything!
catrall	Dr. Braverman, My husband and I recently found he is the problem to our infertility issues. This holiday season has been very hard for me, but no one seems to understand why I am so upset since the problem is not me. How do I deal with it.
anl512	No, we are definitely not alone. I have made a connection through Conceive mag's website.... and we email EVERY DAY!
iluvtwizzlers2	attending support groups has been helpful for me
anl512	Catrall, I'm sure you are finding out how much can be done to assist with male infertility. No one (3 MDs) have been able to find a diagnosis... and it is SO frustrating being "unexplained"
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	You need to talk with your husband and both be on the same page about whether you are sharing anything. Whether the fertility problem is male or female factor, the fact remains that you're trying to have a baby together. But remember, your husband may have a lot of feelings about having a male factor. See if he'll read some articles about it (see the old In Focus articles) even if he won't talk about it.
anl512	Yes, I have done some yoga, and am in therapy and doing meditation and guided imagery tapes
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Unexplained is really difficult. It's like shadow boxing. You don't know what to fight against.
pfd	or when to quit.
joank	anl512- I am "unexplained" too and that adds to my stress, thinking after each procedure "is there some little thing they are missing'???
anl512	I so don't want to quit... although my husband says "how many more times can we do this?? (no 5 now)
hoping	what to do when family are on the other side, they don't ask how we are doing with miscarriage. or how we are doing otherwise?
iluvtwizzlers2	this can be all so incredibly messy
Dr._Andrea_Braverman	Or when to quit. Or when to pursue other family building options. Or when to choose to live without children.
Corey_Whelan	Folks, I want to thank all of you for logging on tonight. I wish you all the best of luck getting through the holidays and through your treament.
iluvtwizzlers2	we've found that family doesn't ask out of respect for our feelings (4 IVFs; 2 positive ended in miscarriage; latest FET was unsuccessful)
anl512	Joan, yeah, I know... the important part is to look back and say "there isn't anything I would've done different..." It's important to not have any regrets after a cycle
pfd	yeah, hoping, i hear you on family ignoring the losses. and yes Dr, Braverman any advice or is it a hwole other topic, on when to pursue other avenues?
Corey_Whelan	Dr. Braverman, thank you SO MUCH For your amazingly inspirational words tonight.
pfd	yes, thank you Dr. Please come back and continue this with us another time.
Corey_Whelan	folks, our oes is officially over. Thanks and GOOD LUCK to ALL.and....happy holidays too!!!!
iluvtwizzlers2	Thank you again Dr. Braverman!
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Dr._Andrea_Braverman	May I wish you all the joy you can find in the holidays and all good things for the new year. May you each have your efforts and dreams realized.
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hoping	all the best to you, Dr.
joank	Thank you Dr.
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pfd	good luck everyone.
pfd	thank you AFA
hoping	and to you, pfd
pfd	thank you hoping.
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Corey_Whelan	good night all.
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