Love and Infertility: Survival Strategies for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life

December 21, 2004 - Tuesday
2:23 PM to 3:23 PM (EST)
Guest Speakers: Kristin Magnacca, Author

Categories
Fertility • Infertility • Marriage

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Orly	Hi
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Hi Everyone! Thanks for joining us this evening...
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Earletta	Type herehello everyone
Lisa_Rosenthal	Hi Kristen, Thanks for joining us here this evneing.
Kristen_Magnacca	Hi Everyone! thanks for having me!
Lisa_Rosenthal	Can you start by telling us a little bit about your journey and how you found some peace?
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Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Welcome All! Please call the AFA Toll Free Support Line at 888-917-3777 for information, a referral in your area or just some good ol fashioned support. Looking forward to hearing from all of you! Lori Masi – AFA Patient Advocate
Kristen_Magnacca	Our journey was a long and heartbreak. After years of trying and failing we arrived at a place that we didn't know existed
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Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Welcome Kristen - thank you for being here tonight!
Cathy42	what are your books about?
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Kristen_Magnacca	Hi Everyone! During the next hour I look forward to discussing with you some of my proven strategies to help you gain a sense of control, communicate more effectively in all your relationships and tips and exercise to be able to manage the changes that occur while trying to create your family. With the holiday season upon us IÕd also like to share how these strategies can be beneficial during this time. Here are some of the strategies I share through Love and Infertility (Lifeline Press). IÕd love to share with you, now! · The Honey do List · The Fertility Game Plan · Lamenting Time · The Red Flag Phrase · The ÒElevator SpeechÓ Thank you for logging on. Kristen Hi Everyone! During the next h
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localhost	[2009] touser Welcome to The American Fertility Association's online educational session. We are pleased to have Ms. Kristen Magnacca, (reknowned author)joining us this evening. We will be discussing the topic "Love and Infertility: Survival Strategies for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life". Thanks for joining us this evening! Lisa Rosenthal, Educational Coordinator for The AFA.
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Kristen, can you tell us a bit about the wonderful books that you have written?
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localhost	[2009] touser Please feel free to post questions for Ms. Magnacca. Keep in mind that you may need to repost them as the room is quite busy. You may want to save your questions in a word document instead of having to retype them.
Kristen_Magnacca	Lisa, Girlfriend to Girlfriend: A Fertility Companion is our journey and is meant to share "what we know now that we'd wished we'd knew then".It's a conversations
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Stephen	OK for a guy to be here tonight?
Lisa_Rosenthal	Hi Stephen, always!!!
Kristen_Magnacca	Love and Infertility is 28 strategies to help you commuication, dealing with change and gain a sense of control. It's a buffet of strategies to help you along the way to creating your family.
Kristen_Magnacca	Hi Stephen!
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Stephen	My biggest problem is that my wife and I are never, EVER on the same page about treatment, feelings, friends, you name it. But only since we started to try and haven't been succesful...
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Hi Julie, Welcome to this evening's online session!
Kristen_Magnacca	Stephen, feeling as though you're not on the same page is so difficult! When Mark and I felt that way we decided to create a "Fertility Game Plan"
Kristen_Magnacca	A Fertility Game Plan is a written document that you create together that is used to make sure everyone is heard.
Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Welcome All! Please call the AFA Toll Free Support Line at 888-917-3777 for information, a referral in your area or just some good ol fashioned support. Looking forward to hearing from all of you! Lori Masi – AFA Patient Advocate
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Kristen_Magnacca	Stephen: Is there a sense of not understanding where your wife is?
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Stephen	Not know where she is? She's become a completely different person!!
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Kristen_Magnacca	Stephen: My husband Mark has said the same thing... It's very difficult not to change when dealing with infertility.
localhost	[2009] touser Please feel free to post questions for Ms. Magnacca. Keep in mind that you may need to repost them as the room is quite busy. You may want to save your questions in a word document instead of having to retype them.
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Cathy42	I certainly have not liked my husband very much either through this process. HIs patience level is zero.
Kristen_Magnacca	Stephen: there are so many of the strategies that are designed help you both. Let's start with the honey do list okay! this has had profound changes.
Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Don’t Forget to please call the AFA Toll Free Support Line at 888-917-3777 for information, a referral in your area or support. Looking forward to hearing from all of you! Lori Masi – AFA Patient Advocate
Family_Building	I want to ask you, what is the percentage for doing artificial insemination / IUI ?
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wolfe	My husband and I discuss things, but then sometimes I feel like he's just blocking the whole thing out and won't talk to me. He's afraid he's going to make me cry.
pam	We find it hard to keep the passion alive the parts of the month when we are not TTC. The TTC on demand is so exhausting. Any advice?
Kristen_Magnacca	Cathy42 and Stephen: the Honey do List is used to make sure your needs get HereÕs the Honey Do List in a nut shell! Every day each partner writes three things that they need from the other on their card. Ours were so easy to fulfill. Mine to Mark: 1. Call me three times today 2. Have dinner together 3. Go to bed and read together MarkÕs to me: 1. Greet me when I come home 2. Remind me why you married me 3. Listen with interest about my day. At the end of the day we would exchange check off cards. We usually dated the card and sometime put a quote or a saying on the back. We went from having no connection and feeling like failures at procreation and marriage to communicating, sharing and havin
Lisa_Rosenthal	Hi FamilyBuilding, tonight's session is with Ms. Magnacca , not a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Please post your question on our medical information message board.
Kristen_Magnacca	wolfe: Hi! Ducking and Dodging helped so much so that Mark could listen without feeling as though he had to fix me and I could feel heard.
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Family_Building	hello,
Kristen_Magnacca	Wolfe: It's okay to cry! Just letting your husband know he doesn't have to fix your crying will give him permission to listen! Have him pretend he's in a boxing ring and just let the diologue go by! Here's the key... only talk to him for say 5 min.
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Family_Building	thanks
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Kristen_Magnacca	pam: having an activity scheduled to look forward to that is non-baby making. Look at the honey do strategy. I had one woman tell me that with her card in hand she felt so connected! Also, write your love story!
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pam	thanks those are good ideas.. any tips on how to do avoid arguements on days of doctors appointments because of the added stress? Or are we the only ones that this happens to?
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Kristen_Magnacca	PAM: The Love Story strategy. Here's how it works. Write down the story of your meeting or the day you realized you were madly in love and re-read that on the days you're not feeling "so in" love. It brings back all the "love goggle" feeling!
pam	neat idea. dont think back to that too often. good idea TTC or not.
Cathy42	My doctor must duck when he sees us coming, we argue so much! LOL
Kristen_Magnacca	Pam: those days can be the worst! Can't they? Mark and I would set our expectations of the day. Be clear with each other. You can start by saying I need you to... Another strategy is to create a red flag phrase
Brendansmom	I can relate to anyone who already has a child and desires another one and her partner doesn't completely share the same desire to make the family bigger. Not resistence, but not overwhelming support either. It's a difficult bind. Going on to injectable step and feel like I'm kind of alone. Doesn't help that he is scared of needles--the ones going into me. It takes me some time to build up the courage to tell him that I am continuing on my journey..don't know what type of response I am going to get. I like the idea of the Honey do thing. Something else to focus on besides baby making!
Kristen_Magnacca	cathy42 and Pam! I think i had a big "look out for this one" in my chart!
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Lisa_Rosenthal	You have no idea how I wish that Kristen's book had been around when I was still in treatment.
pam	what do you mean by a red flag phrase?
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Kristen_Magnacca	Pam: the red flag phrase: Mark and I used "It is important to me" it's like a get out of jail free card in monopoly. Mark may not have agreed with what was coming after "it's important to me" but using the red flag phrase sparingly it's effective.
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Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Don’t Forget to please call the AFA Toll Free Support Line at 888-917-3777 for information, a referral in your area or support. Looking forward to hearing from all of you! Lori Masi – AFA Patient Advocate
pam	are transcripts available for these chats/
wolfe	Where are your books available?
Orly	I have been finding that I am hiding more and more often from friends. Any suggestions?
Brendansmom	Lori: Does the support line have information regarding meds?
Kristen_Magnacca	bredansmom: I briefly touched on the fertility game plan: It's a good tool to use to work out where each partner is and what compromises can be made.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Our online session transcripts are available right where you enter the session. Just click chat schedule.
Kristen_Magnacca	wolfe: my books are available through amazon.com or my website
Lisa_Rosenthal	Brendansmom, a better place to find out about that is through our medical message board. That's where a doctor can discuss this.
localhost	[2009] touser Welcome to The American Fertility Association's online educational session. We are pleased to have Dr. Brian Acacio, (Sher Institutes for Reproductive Medicine )joining us this evening. We will be discussing the topic "Which Treatment is Right for You?". Thanks for joining us this evening! Lisa Rosenthal, Educational Coordinator for The AFA.
Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Brendansmom what info are you looking for?
Brendansmom	Kristen: My game plan keeps changing. I keep saying, well I'll try this one more thing...then when that doesn't work, I am always willing to go to the next (expensive and sometimes risky step) to see if something else might give me my goal. I think he's confused. I know he wonders why I would even consider inject. meds. He thought I was nuts to do the Clomid...7 times!
Lisa_Rosenthal	The American Fertility Association's next magazine, (infocus) is on "When is Enough, Enough?". Great article by the Carters, who wrote,
Lisa_Rosenthal	Sweet Grapes.
wolfe	How do you balance the rest of life with the infertility treatments? A lot of the stuff I've read says that you still need to do other things for yourself, but when those things cost money, I'd rather save it for the treatments.
Brendansmom	Lori: I am mainly looking for med. advice and comforting information about meds, but I know this isnt the site for this. If I need this info. I'll contact the support line. didn't know it was available.
Kristen_Magnacca	brendasmom: What make Mark and my FGP work was that we committed to each other that we would stick to it for six months.
Kristen_Magnacca	wolfe: here's a few of my favorite strategies that help balance it all!
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localhost	[2009] touser The American Fertility Association has free membership! Please go online and you will have access to all our publications at "No Barriers".
Kristen_Magnacca	Journaling: Writing down your day and getting out your emotions. Adding on the gratitude list at the end: Listing 5 things that you're grateful for... it help keep you focused on what you currently have at the moment... clean sheet, hot tea?
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Katie	what are some tips on how to deal with "the dreaded questions" from friends and family during the holidays?
Brendansmom	Somehow I got booted out of the chat room...i am back
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Diane	What do you think about therapy or group therapy throughout this process?
Kristen_Magnacca	katie: Have a elevator speech! A quick response to "the question"
Brendansmom	Wolfe: I hear you. I often toss those balls in the air. I see something I want or something I would like to do, but then I have to stop and think, no...I need the money for my treatment.
Kristen_Magnacca	Katie: Let's say the ? is "so, when are you going to have a baby? " you could answer... Well, we have a whole team of experts working on that... I found it's not only the ? but the fear of the ?. being ready helps
Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Brendansmom call me and I will be happy to talk and also offer some referrls
Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Don’t Forget to please call the AFA Toll Free Support Line at 888-917-3777 for information, a referral in your area or support. Looking forward to hearing from all of you! Lori Masi – AFA Patient Advocate
Brendansmom	Lori: How do I get a hold of you?
Kristen_Magnacca	diane: Mark and I did everything! Group and private. we tried so hard to find what would work the best. I'm an advocate of both. It's a personal choice.
pam	what do you suggest when you havent shared with family or friends that you are in treatment? Do you think ultimately being open makes things less stressful on the couple?
Kristen_Magnacca	katie: does that help?
Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	The AFA Support Line number is 888-917-3777 - you can call me now if you wish
pam	so far we have been picking and choosing who to share it with.
Brendansmom	I have just two close friends who I tell all of my plans and problems to. One has gone through a similar experience. The other is a friend is supportive friend who will listen to me vent, cry anything!
Katie	yes, it helps a lot. it sounds like common sense, but i didn't think of that. thank you! the fear of the questions does cause a lot of anxiety.
wolfe	Do you have any suggestions for dealing with a family member who just treats this all as a new piece of gossip? The rest of my family is very supportive, but I've held off from telling two members of my family because of this.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Those of you who have been here before know that I have never "promoted" a book before. Let me tell you, I loved this book. It's helped me even post-treatment, with life in general. A wonderfully, helpful good book.
Brendansmom	Lisa: this may be a silly question, but what book are you referring to?
Lisa_Rosenthal	Kristen, tell them!
Brendansmom	Lori: Are you available during the day at this #?
Lisa_Rosenthal	Brendansmom, Kristen has written a fabulous book, with all the ideas that she is suggesting here tonight...
Brendansmom	Lisa: is the title the title of this forum?
Lisa_Rosenthal	Brendansmom, yes it is.
Brendansmom	Thank you. did I read right that it's available on Amazon?
Lisa_Rosenthal	yes it is. and it is a great book
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Kristen got thrown off, but is trying to get back on.
Brendansmom	I am going to check my local library first, but I know that my life is not balanced. My infertility has become the center of my life. I am doing what I can to not let it be the focus of my side of my marriage also.
localhost	[2009] touser The American Fertility Association has a set of message boards, several which are moderated by a physician daily. Please feel free to stop by and ask questions there as well! Also, "Connections" will meet every week for an online educational session. Please check the schedule on our home page.
Kristen_Magnacca	pam: Going through infertility you can feel so alone! Letting a few people into your inner circle can help. I know that when we shared our situation with a few of our family and friends it helped. They still didn't truly understand, but they were supportive. At the end of the day it's what you need the most.
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kristen_	Type here
Jess	Balanced? I don't even remember anything I ever did except try to have a baby
kristen_	Hi everyone! sorry about that! I'm back
Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	The AFA Support Line hours are Mon, Wed Thur & Fri 9am - 5pm and Tuesdays from 5 - 10 PM at 888-917-3777.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Welcome back Kristen!!!
kristen_	Hi Lisa!
kristen_	Jess, I missed your question. sorry!
Lisa_Rosenthal	Jess just mentioned that she doesn't even remember anything except trying to have a baby.
Brendansmom	Kristen: Welcome back Jess: I hear ya! It's getting insane lately. Thinking of sticking myself with needles looks good now.. What have I become?
kristen_	Jess: it's all encompassing isn't it?
pam	I was wondering what you suggest as far as sharing your treatment with friends and family? should be individual decisions or do you recommend one over the other as for how it effects the couples relationship?
Julie	Adoption is what I would like, my husband won't even consider it. the baby won't be his! whose does he think it will be????
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debi	Type here
wolfe	I get excited when I realize a couple of hours may have passed and I haven't thought about treatments and all the related things.
Lisa_Rosenthal	Welcome Debi, thanks for joining us this evening!!!
debi	thank you. I forgot about the 8pm chat - oops
kristen_	pam: it depends. I told my sister and mom together. but my few friends i told separetly. Can you emotionally handle telling your story over and over again? Would it be difficult to speak in front of a few family and freinds?
Lisa_Rosenthal	Ladies and gentlemen, we are so lucky to have wonderful speakers, partly because I promise them that they will be off in one hour, sharp! That leaves us about 5 minutes!
Lisa_Rosenthal	Kristen, you are such a help! Thanks for joining us this evening and answering our questions so compassionately.
Brendansmom	Julie: I know how you feel. My husband and I don't see eye to eye on things a lot of the time.
wolfe	thanks to everyone for all the great support. it helps to know that others are having the same thoughts, experiences and feelings.
pam	thank you so much Kristen. You are very validating
kristen_	wolfe: Lamenting time saved me! here's how it works. when a thought comes in to your mind (for me it was all the time) i would jot it down on a peice of paper. at the end of the day i allowed myself ten minutes.
Julie	Thanks Kristen and Lisa, it's been great.
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debi	are any of you telling people if you are using a donor egg, or when you get pregnant just letting people think what they want.
kristen_	wolfe: doing those ten minutes i reviewed the papers allowing emotions to flow! it helped me stay focused.
Lisa_Rosenthal	See, I love that idea, Kristen. I do that ever since I read your book. Nothing to do with treatment, so helpful.
Stephen	I think it's a great idea too.
Stephen	Wonder if my wife will go for it. I would like to have a controlled amount of time that we spend talking about infertility.
wolfe	That just might work for me...except I'll have a huge stack of notes for myself::smile
Brendansmom	That's a great way to vent. Good luck to you all. bye!
Lisa_Rosenthal	Wolfe, won't we all, LOL!
Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Don’t Forget to please call the AFA Toll Free Support Line at 888-917-3777 for information, a referral in your area or support. Looking forward to hearing from all of you! Lori Masi – AFA Patient Advocate
Lisa_Rosenthal	Good night Brendansmom...
kristen_	Lisa: thanks you so much for having me this evening and providing this chat. In closing, just remember, you are not alone. the AFA is a great resourse! Remember! with the holidays you're not alone you can visit my website! www.kristenmagnacca.com!
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Please do look for the transcript and consider the book, it's a real winner!!!
pam	thank lori, you are awesome! everyone should call ger when she has the need, she is so helpful.
kristen_	Lisa: I'd like to share with all that fertilitylifelines 866-lets try. and is a great resource too!
Lisa_Rosenthal	Thanks again Kristen, and all of you for being here! Hope that the New Year brings peace for us all.
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Stephen	Nite...
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Diane	thanks
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Orly	I"m going to Amazon and buying the book. Happy new year.
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debi	anyone staying on?
Lisa_Rosenthal	Everyone is welcome to stay on as long as they would like. I, alas, must leave in just a minute or two.
debi	anyone want to stay on and chat?
Lori_Masi_AFA_ Patient_Advocate	Good Night All and Happy Holidays and a Happy and Peaceful New Year!
Cathy42	Not tonight!
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Hope to see you all next week.
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Lisa_Rosenthal	Thanks again to all of you for joining us, especially Kristen Magnacca!!!
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Love and Infertility: Survival Strategies for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life

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