Open Adoption - Is it right for you?

July 25, 2006 - Tuesday
6:49 PM to (EST)
Guest Speakers: Dawn Smith Pliner
Friends In Adoption

Categories
Adoption • Fertility

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friends_in_adoption	I am here- at least I hopeI am - it has been a few years since I've done this ~ dawn
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friends_in_adoption	::rolleyes
friends_in_adoption	hi noreen - it's dawn
friends_in_adoption	do you have a question
Noreen	is there a particular type of adoption you are discussing this evening
friends_in_adoption	yes - open domestic adoption - i am the founder and director of friends in adoption - a licensed agency. i am also the adoptive mom of 2 young adults
Noreen	are you still out there
friends_in_adoption	yes
Noreen	hi there
Noreen	was having some technical issues
Noreen	is there a particular adoption type being discussed this evening
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friends_in_adoption	yes - open domestic adoption -
Noreen	ok great
Noreen	we have just started the independant domestic process
friends_in_adoption	Hi Smiley - do you have questions about open adoption
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Deb_Capone	Good evening and I am sorry that I am late...my technology is going to get the better of me
smiley	no, thank you. i actually forgot that this was tonight's topic
friends_in_adoption	terrific Noreen - it is an adventure - sometimes you hang on tight - but every moment is worth the act of becoming a parent
Noreen	the beginning steps are a little overwhelming
Noreen	we have completed our homestudy
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Noreen	and have started the advertising process
friends_in_adoption	They are but you can pace yourself through the process taking time to be kind to yourself
Noreen	my questions are really around how do we figure out how much advertising to do and where to do it
friends_in_adoption	Hi Deb - I think that I am getting the hang of this
Deb_Capone	good...I am glad....
Noreen	we have a list of states - but pretty difficult to choose what papers to use
friends_in_adoption	Noreen - did the lawyer that you are working with give you suggestions about this and what state do you live in
Noreen	we live in NY
Noreen	the lawyer basically gave us a list of potentially good states
Noreen	but researching the papers is difficult
Noreen	luckily i am an avid user of rubber-ducky.org
Noreen	from there i reached out to someone in my state and made some headway with a few papers
friends_in_adoption	I would suggest that you start close to home in small, free to the public papers and if you are going to be answering your own phone - to make sure that you are available as it has been my experience that answering machines are not always effective
Noreen	we got the 800 number
Noreen	but so far only two calls
friends_in_adoption	also making up inexpensive cards that you can hang - with permission - on grocery store cork boards, in laundry mats - give to hair dressers, leave with tip at restaurants, etc
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Noreen	i know i need to be patient ::rolleyes
Noreen	also some advice
Noreen	we received a call yesterday
Deb_Capone	Welcome Cafurano
Noreen	from a friend of a young pregnant woman
Noreen	they were supposed to call back and havent
Deb_Capone	we are talking with Dawn Smith Pliner from Friends in Adoption.
Noreen	however they gave us there number
friends_in_adoption	how long have you been doing this - generally we see folks waiting any wheres from a few months to a couple of years
Noreen	is it inappropriate for us to initiate a follow up
Noreen	we started recently on the adoption front\
Noreen	went through ivf for 4.5 years
friends_in_adoption	as long as she gave you the number yes - i think that it would be fine to call back once. If you connect again then I would suggest that you kindly ask for her address as either your attorney or yourself with guidance from your attorney, would want to work towards receiving a proof of pregnancy.
Noreen	ok thanks
Noreen	there are several websites where prospective parents can post "profiles" that I have seen - any that you know of that are better than others?
Deb_Capone	Dawn, one of the questions that we get a lot is about open adoption. Can you give us the 'definition' and then tell us what we should know about it?
friends_in_adoption	another suggestion - keep a notebook - document the calls so that you have a running log and keep the notebook handy so that when the phone rings you are ready to go
Noreen	thanks: - )
Noreen	i am super anal so i actually have a notebook and a spreadsheet
Noreen	also helps in determining where to repeat ads
friends_in_adoption	open adoption may mean anything from a direct connection between the pre-adoptive family and the potential birth family on a first name basis to there being an on going connection between the birth and adoptive families inclusive of the child having a direct connection with his/her birth family. Language may be challenging but it is important to make sure early on that all parties carry the same definition-
friends_in_adoption	Hi Cafurano - do you have any questions that you would like to ask -
friends_in_adoption	Hi Deb- any other questions that you would like me to answer?
Deb_Capone	Many folks are afraid of open adoption...should we be?
friends_in_adoption	I think that it may be challenging on all of the adults involved as the responsiblity that all adutls hold to the child - for a life time - is huge. I believe that all parties need to be well informed about the responsibilities well ahead of time so that everyone understands the life long commitment that is being made to benefit the child. Open Adoption, from my experience may work well for families or it may be disasterous (where is my spell check...) - there is no "one fits all" script
Deb_Capone	What does open adoption offer the child?
friends_in_adoption	Direct access to questions being answered truthfully from the very beginning directly from the source
Deb_Capone	When would you advise someone not to pursue an open adoption?
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friends_in_adoption	In cases where the child would be in danger if there was direct access; in cases where dysfuncion would potentially create the potential for there to be inconsistency in the contact; in cases where folks may agree to open adoption but their "hearts" are really not okay with it; ...
Deb_Capone	Let's talk more broadly about adoption. What questions do we need to ask ourselves as we consider adoption as a means to form our familles?
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friends_in_adoption	I would suggest creating a chart outlining what is most important to you in creating your family through adoption. Is it how long the process where take; is it the ethnic background of your "dream child"; is cost considerations; is it how "stable" the process may be. I would also encourage folks to avail themselves to seminars on adoption - educate educate educate - the more educated on is, the more informed decision one is able to make
Deb_Capone	I am not sure you can address this, but I will throw it out there. So many of The AFA's members come to adoption, like Noreen, after many years of fertility treatment. How do they move from fertility to adoption....and really embrace it.
Deb_Capone	Actually, perhaps Noreen would like to share some of her own process of moving from fertility treatment to adoption.
friends_in_adoption	By doing whatever it takes to believe in your heart that you WILL become a Mom and not being afraid to talk about the pain, the frustrations but knowing that if you can sustain the process then you will not have to look back with regrets later on....I remember one day when I was working at an elderly care home - a woman shuffling along the hallway muttering to herself that she wished that she and her husband had children. I knew that i could not conceive at that time and I made a promise to myself that I would never be that lady shuffling down a hallway....
Noreen	I helped us to start thinking about adoption when we were still undergoing treatment
friends_in_adoption	some days along the journey were darn tough and other days, espescailly thoses days that i was doing something that i thougth would shorten the time to become a Mom- were good days
Deb_Capone	Do you find that there are many times when a husband and wife don't agree to adopt? I seem to hear a lot that many men are not as comfortable with adoption as a way to form a family....
Deb_Capone	How do you advise couples who may disagree.
friends_in_adoption	absolutely - which is why we mandate that if a person is in a coupled relationship that both partners attend our educational sessions. I think that it is completely normal for people not to be on the same page at the same time but ultimately i would want both to celebrate equally when they become parents. My husband was the quiet one in the process and I did the vast majority of the work that needed to be done to adopt but when our daughter was placed with us, my husband stood in our local general store holding our daugher with the look of joy in his eyes that i had never witnessed until that day.
friends_in_adoption	..often times it is mis conceptions that make people uncomfortable with the adoption process- so it is important that people have the true facts of adoption - attend seminars; seek out the guidance of a skilled counselor; hang out with adoptive parents......
Deb_Capone	Are there themes in the mis-conceptions (no pun intended!)....like the birth parents often re-appear, or the kids are not healthy etc?
friends_in_adoption	..too much tv; too much inaccurate media information; too many gossing neighbors; tons of fear - some of it legit; most not; surround folks and sometimes paralysis people from even considering adoption
Deb_Capone	Are there any people who you would advise not to adopt? Why would you give that advice?
friends_in_adoption	I would suggest that anyone with a kind heart who wants to become a parent and is able to complete a home study, should be able to adopt. In the quarter century that I have been involved in the adoption field, I can think of maybe 2 situations when I would not advise folks to adopt: one was severely mentally ill and the other had a criminal background that I would question the safety of a child living with that person
Deb_Capone	Those reasons are remarkably similar to the grounds for divorce in California! ::rolleyes
Deb_Capone	Dawn, what is the single most important thing you would want to tell folks about adoption (besides just DO IT).....
Deb_Capone	Dawn, I would like to thank you for your time. This has been a great and informative session. As a reminder the transcipt of our session will be online for 12 months, so lots of people will be able to read it.
friends_in_adoption	To enter the process with your eyes wide open - and to surround yourself with a team of people that you trust to help you through the challenging days and to CELEBRATE with you when your child arrives home!
Deb_Capone	Can our readers contact you for more info?
friends_in_adoption	I would be honored to be contacted
Deb_Capone	Once again, on behalf of The American Fertiltiy Association and Serono's Fertility LIfelines, I thank you for joining us. We are here every Tuesday night at 8pm Eastern. You can get more information from www.theafa.org
Deb_Capone	Dawn, can you give us your contact info...
friends_in_adoption	Friends in ADoption - 1-800-844-3630
Deb_Capone	As a quick reminder, if you aren't a "No Barriers" member-you should be. Join now at www.theafa.org. Its free.
friends_in_adoption	www.friendsinadoption.org
Deb_Capone	Here's wishing you a good night and a home for all the children in the world who need one.
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friends_in_adoption	Thank you and good night ::closedeyes
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Open Adoption - Is it right for you?

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