Survival Strategies for the Holidays

November 29, 2005 - Tuesday
1:36 PM to 2:36 PM (EST)
Guest Speakers: Patricia Mendell

Categories
Fertility • Infertility • PCOS • Pregnancy

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Patricia	Testing
Patricia	hi
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Patricia	Welcome Catherine
Catheirne	Thank you very much, 10 mins. early
Patricia	Catherine, what are you interested in talking about?
Catheirne	The topic sounds good holidays coping strategies or whatever! Open to see what arises.
Patricia	Great!
Patricia	Lets wait for the others to arrive.
Catheirne	::wub
deb_capone	Welcome aboard, Catherine. We will begin tonight's session in just a few minutes.
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Patricia	I am Patricia Mendell and I would like to welcome all of you
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deb_capone	Let's get started.
deb_capone	First and foremost, we would like to thank Patricia for her time and expertise tonight.
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ncc1226	My husband and i have been trying for about six months. I am dreading going home to my family for Christmas and facing all the questions.
deb_capone	Welcome, ams 913. We are glad to have you.
ams913	thanks!
Patricia	Ncc1226 Where are you from and what are the expectations when you go home for the holidays?
deb_capone	Tonight we are talking with Patricia Mendell, who is going to help us navigate the sometimes challenging holiday seasons..
ncc1226	I live in the mid west...and I am expecting everyone to expect htat i am expecting.
Patricia	Ncc1226 I think that is the question that everyone dreads. Having an answer that you and your husband decide is the one you are comfortable giving is often helpful
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deb_capone	Welcome, Peggym and samandlinda.
ncc1226	what kind of answers can we give....i want to cut them off at the pass. It is so personal and so frustrating. I know they just are curious, but they don't seem to take the hint that we don't want to talk abou it.
Patricia	Often couples find themselves at a loss for an answer and having one a head of time works to ease the pain.
Catheirne	What can we do to make the holidays less painful? Any suggestions on coping and enjoying it?
Patricia	Are they aware that you are struggling with getting pregnant?
ncc1226	Well, we haven't given them much detail, they are just anxious for us to have a baby.
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Patricia	First and foremost ncc and catherine need to talk about how you feel about the holidays with your families and decide on a plan if you decide you can face the crowds. You may want to limit the time that you are that your family's
jennkb	my husband and I had been trying for 2.5 years (PCOS) and were successful through drugs to get pregnant this summer. I miscarried in September and my body has gone back to not ovulating. How to deal with commercials, malls, and family through this infertile time?
Patricia	First let us talk about survival at the relatives and then we can talk about the commercials.
mira	Hello everyone ::happy
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ams913	Jenn, I am in the same boat....PCOS, and I finally got pregnant with IVF. Miscarried 3 weeks ago. I don't know how I', going to make it through the next month. We are surrounded by babies and pregnancy!
Catheirne	Even if you have a plan it does not necessarily mean success.
Patricia	limit the time you will spend at a relatives. if you are going long distance, find ways in which you can be with the family and have other times that you leave for breaks
Patricia	Catherine, you are right. So have more than one plan.
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Patricia	sometimes it is just to painful to go at all
Patricia	you have to decide what works for you
mira	although it is painful, it seems rude not to go
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ams913	yes, and the guilt of not going feels bad too.... like you can't win
ncc1226	i agree, it is so hard not to go...and it does feel like you can't win.
jennkb	exactly
deb_capone	Welcome, Chrissie.
Patricia	the holiday time is about survival, and for many families, a lot of times they are unaware of just what the couple is struggling with. Unfortunately some are aware and make very painful comments. you have to decide which family is yours.
chrissie	Thanks
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Patricia	I think that you have to decide what's the easiest. it still doesn't mean that its not hard.
deb_capone	Tonight were are very happy to have Patricia Mendell, LCSW BCD. Patricia is a prominent psychotherapist with extensive experience in helping couples deal with fertility challenges.
jennkb	how do you politely tell them without hurting theirs or your spouse's feelings?
deb_capone	Welcome eileenjud
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ncc1226	Frankly, my husband's family is the real problems. My family wouldn't dream of asking.
Patricia	First of all, men and woman often handle these situations differently. It is important to understand your differences.
Patricia	Ncc, what does your husband's family know? There's always one family that is going to ask.
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samandlinda	For us, it is not so much about our families-they know most of what we are going thru. It is more about the loss we feel that we aren't able to really participate.
ncc1226	Welcome kaybeals.
mira	same with us samandlinda
ams913	sometimes it's no better for them to know. Then everyone is feeling sorry for you and that doesn't feel too great either.
samandlinda	Thanks for welcoming kaybbeals, ncc1226.
Patricia	Sam, the loss is real. One of the ways to cope with this is to have a fertility plan.
mira	a fertility plan?
samandlinda	what is a fertility plan and how can that help now....
jennkb	We have the plan. It is how to let others know not to push or pry?
Catheirne	Tell us more about your version of the fertility plan? My plan is to adopt from China or do an egg donor.
Patricia	As the year comes to an end, everyone hopes that the end of this year will be better than the last. A fertility plan is like catherine is talking about. It is about what you are going to do to address your fertility challenges.
Patricia	It is re-assessing where you're at.
Patricia	This plan may not be revealed to everybody. But knowing that you have it, and knowing that you've made overtures to go forward with it can help. Because everyone hopes that they will be at a better place each year, and when it doesn't happen, its hard.
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Patricia	The holiday's are a painful time for people who are struggling with infertility. Unless you've gone through it, its very hard to understand the depth of these losses.
samandlinda	I would like to know really how a plan is going to help me face this...
Patricia	Sometimes holidays need to be a time when you might limit your interaction with family members. And thats OK.
samandlinda	i just feel that i want to go to bed and wake up on January 2nd. I was never like this before, I always enjoyed the holidays.
ams913	exactly!
jennkb	yes, please answer that. b/c we have a plan but there are still issues on how to deal with sharing and explaining to others why we don't want to participate or just scrap Christmas this year.
Patricia	It can't change how sad you feel, but it can give you hope that the next year will bring something better.
jennkb	year after year?
Catheirne	It is more like someone said ealier dread, and you see children you can't have or interact with. Even having a romatic holiday is hard!
Patricia	A lot of family members won't understand your struggles. Sometimes i've had couples who have actually sent out the AFA sheet on coping with the holidays to their family members with suggestions as to what might be of help to them.
samandlinda	it goes back to the question about how do limit the interaction without hurting everyone else and still protecting your privacy. It does
ams913	Even when you have great families who do understand, it doesn't make it feel any better to have to try to hope again for the new year....just like you did last year
Patricia	These holidays really are about children, and not having children really makes you feel out of the club. You can't change that, but that doesn't mean that you can't be kind to yourself and give to yourself and your spouse.
Patricia	You're worried about everybody else's feelings, but what about yours?
mira	what about getting away--mini trip?
jennkb	ditto -- we have had a plan for 3 years now. it is hard to stay positive. I am lucky, there aren't any children in my immediate family. but having to put on that smiling face for days on end takes a toll.
Patricia	That sounds great, or romantic diners or massages
jennkb	everyone else's feelings? how do we let them know about our feelings and have them not hurt us?
samandlinda	De-"nile" isn't just a river in egypt, I guess.
Patricia	jenn is right. I agree it hard, but if you've had the same plan, and it hasn't work in the last year or two, then maybe it is time to look at things that are hard to look at.
jennkb	not the same plan
mira	going on min trips, romantic diners, massages seem only to help a bit...still have to face reality--no child--- question: What is a great line to tell others when they ask there 'nosy' questions?
ams913	of course not. the plan right now is different than it was last year at this time...but here we still are trying to be hopeful that 2006 will be the year it happens...just like we were last year.
Patricia	as i suggested before, give them things to read to help them understand what you're going through. I had one couple in my practice who sent out a fact sheet, who send out information about the struggles that couples face who are going through fertility treatments. It was helpful to some, and others who were going to make ridiculous comments, still made them.
Patricia	in terms of the 'nosy' questions, you can thank people for being conserned about you, but you can say, "i don't wish to talk about it, and we'll let you know when i do"
Patricia	ams, you're right.
Patricia	for those who persist with the questions you might say to them, 'these questions are incredibly hurtfull, and I am not up for talking about them right now.'
ncc1226	even if people don't ask directly, you can still 'feel' the questions.
ncc1226	sort like people talking behind you back.
mira	THANKS Patricia...I had a really rude relative come up to me and extend her hand to touch my abnomen and say "so, nothing's happening yet"...I wanted to punch her...instead I very politely bit my tongue and said "no, not yet" ...how humiliating that was!!! ::mad
Patricia	there is nothing that you can do about that. They are going to talk no matter what.
jennkb	and stare.
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Patricia	mira, was she aware that you had fertility problems?
ncc1226	you should have punched her...or tapped her forehead and said, "nothing happening here either!"
Patricia	haha
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mira	no not aware...but we've been trying for awile now...
Patricia	family members often feel that they're walking on egg shells (no punn intended) around fertility couples.
mira	thanks ncc1226...good one for "next time"
ncc1226	hindsight is 20/20
jennkb	my uncle asked me a few months back if I loved my husband b/c we had no kids yet. he thought there were marital problems.
Catherine	That's strikes me as cold and insensitive
Patricia	you don't have to answer any questions that you don't want to answer. that doesn't mean that you are going to stop them from asking, but if you don't like the questions then just repeatedly say 'i don't want to talk about this', no matter what they say 'this is not for public discussion'
jennkb	I just walked away. what can you say to change their minds?
deb_capone	I just want to take a moment to thank Patricia her for her time and expertise.
Catherine	I had a stillborn baby so my loss is very public, everybody knows!
ams913	catherine, I"m so sorry for your loss
Catherine	Thank you gracious of you.
Patricia	many of these comments are cold and insenstive, but you're not going to change the those who make insensitive comments into sensitive human beings.
mira	Jennkb interesting observation your uncle had...it's just a different generation perhaps or/and sometimes when things happen easily for them they don't realize how difficult it is for others
jennkb	I had a miscarriage in September, Catherine, so everyone knows mine. My uncle's comment was in May. It is hard now b/c my mother-in-law wants a baby so bad that all she talks about. it is tough to be with them but we have to b/c my husband is all she has.
jennkb	yes, my uncle is in his 80s, better to walk away
Patricia	people don't understand the world of infertility, and making suggestions like go adopt, do donor egg or just live child free, often come from those who have children
Patricia	I would suggest, have you told your mother in law that you too all you want is to have a baby, and her comments only increase the pain for you and your husband around your loss.
mira	yes Patricia...and to add to your list...what I got from a so called friend: we're doing it wrong
samandlinda	i am sorry, Mira, I just laughed out loud.
Patricia	there are many stupid statement, your doing it wrong... just relax... go on vacation...aren't you fortunate not to have screaming children. I even had one husband be asked by a client if he was sterile when he told them that he did not have children.
samandlinda	it would be nice to have a 'prepared' speech or some pithy comeback you could casually toss out as you were walking away. Any ideas?
Patricia	many times people are told that they are too sensitive, and my comment that i tell my patients to tell to others is 'well, if you know that i'm senstive, why do you treat me this way?'
jennkb	"funny you should ask that b/c we are in the process of breeding right now. excuse us while we leave the room."
samandlinda	love that jennkb!
jennkb	thx
Patricia	i had another couple that when asked if they were trying to have a baby, told everyone 'yes they were. they had sex every day, all night long, and that they were going to do it until they got pregnant. people were too embarrassed to say anything else.'
ams913	i guess I'm to the point where I really don't care what anyone has to say. I'm trying to find a way to get myself through the day. I can't worry about anyone else
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Patricia	my suggestion is: talk to your spouse and come up with a plan for both of you about what you want to say to everyone. men and women handle emotions differently. men compartmentalize and cut off their feelings, and women need to talk about it over and over again to feel better.
deb_capone	Welcome, Bumblebee. We are talking with psychotherapist, Patricia Mendell about how to handle holiday pressures in light of fertility issues.
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bumblebee	hi everyone
deb_capone	Welcome, mmmery.
mira	hi bublebee and mmmery
jennkb	same here, to an extent. b/c my husband and I have such great communication and can laugh and cry about the iissues we deal with, we are OK with talking about it. B/c we have been dealing with this for some time, and I am not as ashamed as I have been, I will say what is really happening. The problem is dealing at home when commercials come on or cards come in the mail or seeing kids at the mall on Santa's lap.
Patricia	recognize what gets you through the day. it may be talking with certain friends who understand. it may be getting support from a professional, and it may be talking with your partner. there needs to be many different resources.
mmmery	hello
deb_capone	You will certainly enjoy reading the transcipts of this session!
mira	patricia do you have any children?
Patricia	you're not going to change commercials or those horrible holiday cards with everyone's children on the front
ams913	I guess I need to find that resource. It doesn't seem that there's anyone that really understands
Patricia	but you know what, turn off the commercials, and encourage your friends who send those cards to leave you off the list if they really bother you.
jennkb	is there a coping mechanism you recommend to help through those awkward moments?
deb_capone	AMS913-there are a lot of resources on the AFA site and the message boards offer lots of peer-to-peer support. There are lots of people who really do understand!
Catherine	Mira asked if you had children?
ams913	I may check them out. I have tried other message boards and just got frustrated with them
Patricia	there are a lot of people who understand that are going through the same thing that you are going through. you may think about going to a professional or going to an AFA support group or coaching group. talking to other people who are going through what you are going through can help you feel less alone can give you the courage to continue on your journey.
deb_capone	We are nearing the end of our time with Patricia. One of the reasons that we are able to get professionals like Patricia to participate in our sessions is that we stick to our promise of sixty minute sessions.
Patricia	i spent 4 years struggling with infertility, and four holiday seasons without children. i sought out support groups, i sought out professionals, to really help me cope and make a plan that would help me have a family. one of the things that i can suggest is as a consumer, your answers are only as good as the questions you ask. educate yourself and it will help with your treatment
deb_capone	Thanks so much for all of your help and support.
jennkb	if anyone wants to chat through the holidays, please contact me!
jennkb	I would love to share stories and use the support.
deb_capone	Please join us next week for our next Online Education Session. And please do check out the resources that he AFA has to offer at www.theafa.org
Patricia	I wish all of you the best in struggles to create your families.
deb_capone	Jennkb...can i encourage you to use our message boards. It would really help!
deb_capone	Good night everyone and thanks for joining us.
jennkb	I have, some have helped, some have not
jennkb	thanks again
deb_capone	Happy Holiday!
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Catherine	Good night to one and all! Thanks for sharing; time is precious! Thanks Deb & Patricia
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deb_capone	You are so welcome, Catherine!
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mira	Thank you!
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Survival Strategies for the Holidays

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