Till Baby Makes Three: Sex, Love and Infertility

July 24, 2007 - Tuesday
5:35 PM to (EST)
Guest Speakers: Angela Tigner, Ph.D.
East Coast Mind & Body

Categories
Donor Egg • Fertility • Infertility • Marriage

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Corey_Whelan	Welcome everyone to tonight's chat. I'm Corey Whelan, The AFA's Director of Development and your chat moderator. Tonight should be a great chat - an important subject - having fun and enjoying and safeguarding your marriage or relationship while you're going through the family buildling experience. Tonight's speaker is Dr. Angela Tigner, of East Coast Fertility. Dr. Tigner if a former IVF patient and a specialist in Mind/Body therapies and infertility. Welcome Dr. Tigner!
Dr._Tigner	Thank you Corey
Dr._Tigner	East Coast Mind and Body offers holistic services such as acupuncture, massage, chiropractic, and therapy for couples going through fertility treatment. We are affiliated with East Coast Fertility, spear-headed by Dr. David Kreiner
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Corey_Whelan	welcome folks. Dr. Tigner is here and we are ready to begin. Please don't hesitate to jump in and ask your questions!
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Dr._Tigner	For those of you who have joined, what do you think is the single most important ingredient to a great marriage?
Misha_K	hi everyone
Dr._Tigner	hi Misha
Misha_K	Hi Dr. Tigner. My husband and I seem to fight all the time now - he wants me to do donor egg and I don't want to. I think I'm going to lose my marriage and never have a baby. Don't really know what to do - I'm so upset
vacdeb	It is tough to pcik the single most important thing for a great marriage - but I think communication and respect of each other is important
Dr._Tigner	the two of you will have to start by improving your communication (which is the answer to the question). You will need to help him understand why you do not want to do donor egg and listen to why he does. The anger will only prevent you two from listening to each other.
Misha_K	He wants a biological child and I feel like it tips the scales - I know that sounds awful - but if we adopt it is a more even playing field. I hate even saying that out loud
Dr._Tigner	vacdeb - absolutely. with communication we can get through almost anything, bad sex, poor finances, but without good communication nothing will get resolved.
Dr._Tigner	Misha remember that the embryo cannot grow and gestate without your body, so that makes you the MOST vital part of the pregnancy and bringing the child into the world. When that child comes out of your womb and looks at you it doesn't think donor egg and neither will you. The two of you will both be happy that the baby is here....
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Misha_K	maybe. I really don't know.
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Dr._Tigner	that is why you need to have a good heart to heart discussion and let him listen to how you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel, but you should not consider yourself less important or less attached or less the mother because it is not your genetics...
Misha_K	true. thank you Dr. Tigner
Dr._Tigner	you are welcome
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vacdeb	My husband and I had to face the same decision. I did not want to do donor egg because I was sick of the shots, bloodwork and emotional rollercoaster. we moved forward with adoption but I did it slowly so my husband could be comfortable with each step -
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Dr._Tigner	vacdeb - how did that work out for the two of you?
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vacdeb	we are in a good place - waiting for a chld from china - it was a long hard road
ksmith5	I too think the whole donor egg is a difficult topic to digest. Although we haven't given up yet on my eggs, I struggle with the idea of my husbands sperm and another woman's egg mixing (as ridiculous as that is). Fortunately we both have decided we would explore adoption before donor.
Dr._Tigner	were you able to keep the lines of communication open during the process?
florette_Jean-pierre	my husband and i have been trying to conceive for a year now it's like i can't get pregnant my question to you is what's are option?
Dr._Tigner	ksmith - you ultimately have to do what works for both of you in the relationship. this will keep things balanced and prevent from resentment building up...
Corey_Whelan	florette, it sounds like you need to see a reproductive endocrinologist - if you need a referral you can contact the AFA's helpline and let us know where you live - the number is 888 917 3777. It's toll free.
Dr._Tigner	I agree with Corey..
mickey	I don't think it's ridiculous to not want your dh sperm mixed w/ another woman's. I wouldn't either
Corey_Whelan	you can also contact me directly at corey@theafa.org
florette_Jean-pierre	also i was diagnost with pcos
Corey_Whelan	I think we're all in agreement that infertility is hard on marriages.
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Dr._Tigner	there is a big difference between the biological nature of what is happening and the psychological nature of what is happening, but sometimes difficult to separate the two. again, the biggest thing is being on the same page with your partner
Corey_Whelan	florette, that was my diagnosis. As medical issues are not really the focus of this particular chat, I invite you to contact me directly, but also take advantage of what we have to offer you tonight
Dr._Tigner	are you all able to keep the romance and passion in your relationships while trying to have your family?
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ksmith5	As painful as this infertility road has been, I honestly believe that it has made my relationship with my husband much stronger. We struggled in the first couple of years in our marriage (fighting alot) and infertility has put a completely different importance on our relationship and having each other, we are the only ones that can truly understand how painful this is for us.
Corey_Whelan	I suspect that the divorce rate is higher among ttc couples than the average couple. So I bet the answer to that question is
vacdeb	IF is very hard on a marriage. I had 6 miscarriages and my husband could not understand my pain. it was just so different for him. It took me a while to realize that his pain was just different.
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Dr._Tigner	this is true. getting through the infertility takes a lot of work and commitment...
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Dr._Tigner	vacdeb that is a good point that you bring up. Men and women experience infertility and the outcome very differently. We have to be careful not to expect that they feel what we feel (as women) and vice-versa
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mickey	As the female I am much more sensitive in general and I can't understand my husband's calm. But he can't understand me either. I think it's more of gender differences than an IF issue
Dr._Tigner	trust me when I tell you that it is the hormones. Read up on the latest effects of hormones in men and women on line. Women have oxytosin that makes us much more sensitive. Men lack in this hormone. Progesterone does not help matters either.
karen76	My husband and I have not shared our infertility process with our families. I'm wondering what Dr. Tinger's (and others) advice is on when to share the struggle with others. In some ways, keeping it private has probably strengthened our relationship, but sometimes I worry that I need more support than what one person can give.
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Dr._Tigner	Karen that is the key - supports. If the people you tell are going to be supportive and allow you to be yourself around them, by all means share. But if they don't want to listen to your stories for the hundreth time or can not understand why you are so emotional, then that does not sound like a good support system. To tell or not to tell depends on who you are telling...
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ksmith5	Dr Tigner, one of the things I struggle with in telling people is that people constantly ask how it is going or when I am going to find out if it worked. Do you (or others) have a suggestion on how to handle that?
Dr._Tigner	establishing boundaries in disclosing is recommended. You let them know that you are going through it and when you have some news you will share. This is a very touchy subject and most people do not know how to respond to a person going through treatment if they have not gone through it themselves.
Dr._Tigner	Personally, the first time I went through the cycle I told the whole world. Big mistake. It didn't work and it was worse telling them that it had failed. The second time I told no one.
Dr._Tigner	and it worked
mickey	I find this to be difficult as well...they want to be supportive and encouraging but they are basically asking if you're pregnant yet.
ksmith5	My one concern about my husband is that he spends a lot of time supporting me and very little dealing with our infertility. Any recommendations on how to make sure I am addressing his needs and he is not keeping his sadness bottled up?
Dr._Tigner	and that only adds to one's depression
Dr._Tigner	ksmith - do you know what his needs are? Men express themselves very differently than women
karen76	It's really hard not letting people know, because I feel that I have not totally been myself for the past year. In the same way, I feel worried for my marriage because I have become pretty (okay VERY) focused on getting pregant. Unless I'm super busy with work or something, it is very difficult to compartmentalize it when you're doing shots, creams, etc.
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s1976	Hi
Corey_Whelan	hi s. Please feel free to post your questions for Dr. Tigner.
Dr._Tigner	hi s1976
s1976	I was just wondering what level of Beta Hcg indicates multiples
s1976	at 4 weeks
Corey_Whelan	s, it counts on how many days you have been pregnant. The number doubles daily.
Corey_Whelan	I can't give you an exact number - you'll have to get a sono to know for sure. But your RE should be able to give you definate info about that
Dr._Tigner	karen you are absolutely right. When a woman wants to have a baby it is very difficult to focus on anything else. she becomes consumed by the whole process. The biggest fear is that she will not get pregnant and that only adds to the anxiety. This is why I recommend keeping balance in one's life with doing the things that you enjoy
s1976	so on the day 30 if your HCG is 71 its unlikely to be a multiple preg
ksmith5	Yes, I am likely expecting he would have the same response as me, needing to talk and cry about it from time to time. I think the way he deals best though is just keeping his mind off of it.
Corey_Whelan	And dare I say it? Let's hear it for recreational sex. Non baby making sex.
Dr._Tigner	I often tell people that this is the time to have the best sex of your life. No real pressure. Have fun with it, and it also keeps a couple connected so that they feel like they are "making a baby".
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s1976	There are so many scary messages out there when you are trying to get pregnant don't eat his don't drink gaurd against.... its hard to block those out and stay balanced
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s1976	let alone maintain a sense of fun
Corey_Whelan	that's true s. But I gotta tell you, as a divorced mom who went through infertility, I really wish I had been late to more 7 a.m. sonos and blood tests because I'd been out dancing with my husband the night before, and drinking an every now and then glass of champage. Don't get consumed by the fear. It really doesn't help you get pregnant any faster.
karen76	s1976 - I agree with you. I've tried to have a few days to treat myself each month. This little "treat time" always starts the night of my negative pregnancy test. In some ways it softens the news a bit....or at least it's a bit of a silver lining to be able to have alcohol and/or caffeine.
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s1976	Dr what are some relaxation techniques/habits that you would reccomend to over come the obsessing?
Dr._Tigner	It is important to keep the stress levels as minimal as possible. Endorphins are a good way to do that. Endorphins get released when there is muscle contraction and relaxation - exercise, laughter, and sex.
Dr._Tigner	the fear is a big hindrance. Fun is key to maintaining sanity while going through infertility
Dr._Tigner	I made myself (and still have it) a Fun List. Everyday, I make sure I have done something from this never-ending list. It makes me a better parent because I have taken some time just for me
Dr._Tigner	Can you all suggest ways to each other on how to keep some fun and balance in your lives while going through treatment and dealing with all the anxiety of infertility?
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Dr._Tigner	good question. First, I recommend breathing. If you don't have time to do anything else good cleansing breaths oxygenate the blood and lowers blood pressure and heart rate. All good for the body
Corey_Whelan	karen, I'm sorry. That is a bittersweet ritual
ksmith5	In the beginning I didn't want to go out with friends, I just wanted to grieve and be alone. Recently I've started making plans after work so that I don't wish the days away.
Dr._Tigner	I also recommend spending a few minutes (10 -20) twice per day sitting with a nature CD and listening to the relaxing sounds and not necessarily thinking about anything
moesbaby	My husband & I are both smokers. Husband 1 & 1/2 packs & me 1/2 a pack. I am quiting tomorrow. I am 42 husb 39. Did we kill our chances of conveiving? If not should we wait at least 2 months to detox before starting an IVF. I know I am an idiot for smoking.
Corey_Whelan	moesbaby, STOP. You know that.
Corey_Whelan	And yes, you are severely hindering conception
Dr._Tigner	ksmith - staying active with friends is extremely important. just the laughter alone you will get is better than being alone.
s1976	what kind of exercises are safe when undergoing fertility?
Corey_Whelan	nicotine constricts the blood vessels - lowering sperm counts and increasing the inability of yoiur uterus to hold and maintain a pregnancy.
Dr._Tigner	moesbaby - that is because smoking depletes the body of oxygen, a necessary component for a healthy environment. It also interferes with the body's ability to absorb folic acid, again making conception difficult
Corey_Whelan	s, all exercise is pretty much safe with the exception of inverted poses during yoga. If you are a runner, run. If you do pilates, keep it up. If you are just beginning, see a doctor first.
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Dr._Tigner	definitely see a doctor about exercise. Usually anything that involves too much abdominal tension is not recommended while going through treatment. cardio is also a very good exercise regimen
s1976	but I was told no abdominal exercise, no weights just light walking
hoping	i've had questions about running
dfp	any advice on how to make sex about pleasure and enjoyment again? to me it is associated with the failure on not being able to conceive.
moesbaby	Thanks Dr. & Corey but do you think I should wait 2 mos after quiting to detox?
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Corey_Whelan	I truly believe that for the average athlete, not training for marathons or at the olympic level, running is good for you.
Dr._Tigner	too many abdominal exercises makes the muscles in the uterus very taught. Some line of thinking that a very taut uterus will interfere with implantation.
ksmith5	What is the thought on weight lifting? I've hear conflicting reports.
Dr._Tigner	dfp - the key is to go slow, especially if there has been a significant lull in having had sex. No pressure.
s1976	I also had an ectopic last year which could not be handled laproscopically (is that a word) and still have very weak abdominal muscles but am afraid to exercise them in the middle of treatment
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beauty	how long after an hsg is it ok to have sex?
Dr._Tigner	moesbaby, the sooner you quit the better, and keep drinking a lot of water...
Corey_Whelan	beauty, please check with your doctor. I think the rule of thumb is three days to a week.
Dr._Tigner	s1976 - again check with your doctor...
Dr._Tigner	ksmith - depends on what parts of the body and the amount of weight
s1976	Thank you Dr for all your advice I am sorry I have to run have a great session, look forward to reading the transcripts later
Dr._Tigner	thank you s1976
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dfp	thanks, dr. I think that is what has happened. but i am afraid my husband has given up. maybe he is just giving me space since he knows to me it is wrapped up with trying to concieve.
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Dr._Tigner	getting back to the sex issue, let's not forget about romance. just being together and cuddling. these are all very important to a relationship as well without the pressure of performing or having a goal
hoping	thanks Dr and Corey
dfp	true. thanks for affirming my experience.
lolita1978	my husband and i just failed ivf in may we are wondering if it is okay to try again even thought or doctor said it could be a factor with his semen and also my eggs, i just dont know what to do anymore i have been trying for over 6 years and i dont want to give up yet.
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Dr._Tigner	dfp - try spending some quality time together just hanging out or going out on a date. The key is not to feel pressured into having sex
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karen76	dfp - hang in there. you will get through this, but as was discussed at the beginning -- communication is the key. i think my husband was more in tune with my baby obsession well before i realized what it was doing to our sex life. have a good talk with your husband and like the experts have said....take it slow.
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ksmith5	I've also read studies about drinking (I love wine and have about 3 to 4 glasses per week). I've read that having any alcohol in the month preceeding IVF can result in it not being successful. My Dr though thinks there is nothing wrong with it until the stimulating meds.
dfp	will do. in fact we kindof have been doing that. i feel pressure (self inflicted not put on me) but will try to let myself off the hook.
dfp	thanks, karen. i signed on late so I missed the beginning. Sorry everyone forasking you to backtrack.
Corey_Whelan	guys, we have only five minutes left. Please post your last questions for Dr. Tigner!
moesbaby	dfp do you ever try having a dte night once a week? My hubby and I do it and it really helps keep the spark alive.
Dr._Tigner	ksmith - more than one glass of alcohol per day is not recommended for women because of its effects on our estrogen levels (particularly the bad estrogen)
dfp	thank you all very much for the advice.
Dr._Tigner	date night is one of the things that I highly recommend in my therapy sessions
Dr._Tigner	In the last moments, I wish you all the best of luck. It is hard but remember that just as much as it may not be successful, just as much as it could be successful. Try to focus on a positive outcome rather than it not working...
moesbaby	Thank you Dr. Tigner & Corey ~good luck to all & good night
Corey_Whelan	thanks to all of you so much, for being here tonight and sharing your questions with us. And thanks especially to Dr. Tigner, for her amazing insights!!!! I ask all of you when you sign off tonight, to roll call your states please. I'm in Brooklyn New York. Our chat is officially at an end. Good night all.
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Dr._Tigner	good night and thanks Corey
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mickey	virginia
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moesbaby	Rockland County, New York
Corey_Whelan	listen guys, don't postpone joy, ok?
dfp	Illinois
karen76	Illinois
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Till Baby Makes Three: Sex, Love and Infertility

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