What Is Adoption Really Like?

January 31, 2007 - Wednesday
1:01 PM to (EST)
Guest Speakers: Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe
Adoptive parents and Editors of the anthology "A Love Like No Other: Stories From Adoptive Parents"

Categories
Adoption • Infertility • International Adoption

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Corey_Whelan	Welcome to tonight's AFA Online Educational Session. Tonight's topis is "What is Adoption Really Like?" Our two special guests this evening are Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe, adoptive parents and editors of the anthology "A Love Like No Other: Stories From Adoptive Parents". We welcome them tonight. They are here to answer all of your questions about the adoption experience. I am Corey Whelan, your oes moderator.
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Corey_Whelan	Our chat begins officially at 8 p.m. I'm glad to see so many early birds! If anyone would like to type in a preliminary question for Pamela and Jill, please feel free before the room crowds up.
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Caitlin	Hi Jill and Pamela. Does it matter who we direct our questions to? I would like to thank you for being here and also want to ask you, do people usually do infertility treatment and adoption at the same time? I am 28 but don't have a uterus.
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Caitlin	Jill and Pamela, simply type your answer in the yellow bar and hit the send key to respond to Caitlin. I see Chrissy is typing a question as well.
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chrissy	I have a 6 month old baby girl that is adopted, I am in a very open realtionship with the birthmom- what advise can you give me on communicating this relationship with my family as well as my daughter
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pamela_kruger	I would say most people try infertility treatment first before starting the adoption process. If somebody is intent upon bearing a child, there may also be issues of loss that have to be resolved first before adopting.
pamela_kruger	Chrissy,
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pamela_kruger	What do you mean by "very open"? Are you seeing the birthmother on a regular basis?
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chrissy	we talk on the phone about 4 times a week and we have seen her twice, she stayed with us in our home for 4 days
chrissy	we are very close
chrissy	I feel such a connection to her
pamela_kruger	That IS very open
chrissy	yes
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jgwiggs	i have a question about housing, my husband are a low income family and our house isn't great but liveable, how hard are agencies on how your house looks?
pamela_kruger	In that case, I'd say you should be open with your family as well. Let them know that this is a person who is going to be part of your life, and your child's life--a member of your extended family. However, I also think it's important to remember this is your child's story, too. You don't have to answer questions that you consider too personal or that would in some way infringe on your child's privacy.
chrissy	I have had a hard time explaining this relationship to others, people seem to be very critical of our relationship
chrissy	Pamela, I have not read your book -- does it include many open domestic adoption stories and do you know of any childrens books that deal with open adoption
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Dolores	Hi Pamela. I want to adopt but my husband says he won't even consider it. We have given up on medical intervention and I am so sad about this. Do you have any suggestions for me? I so much want to be a mommy!!!!!
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pamela_kruger	Jgwiggs, I think the most important issues agencies consider is whether these people have the resources to take care of this child. Most importantly, that means emotional resources. It doesn't matter if your house is small, but that yours is a loving family that has the ability to care for this child.
pamela_kruger	Yes, our book includes several stories about open adoption.
jgwiggs	thats what i said but my mother in-law insists that we won't be able to adopt because of our house.
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chrissy	Wow -- I have got to get it! I have heard great things about it!
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pamela_kruger	Dolores, I really feel you. This is not uncommon. Often adoptions are moved forward by one spouse; the other sometimes goes along reluctantly--or kicking and screaming. Joe Treen, who happens to be my co-editor's husband, wrote a story for our book about being a reluctant dad. He was dragged into fatherhood, but their story ended happily.
pamela_kruger	Jill, will you also weigh in reluctant dad question?>
carolynb	A Love Like No Other by Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe has so many different perspectives on adoption. It tells it like it is when it comes to adoption. I recommend it for people who want to understand adoption from the inside.
Dolores	Thank you. I just don't know what to do. He is so adamant and I don't think he will change his mind. I don't want to have to talk him into it. If he resented the baby it would be so unfair to the child
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Corey_Whelan	Folks, carolynb is Carolyn Berger, The American Fertility Association's Adoption Coordinator. You can always direct questions to her on an ongoing basis at the adoption message board on the afa website. She is here to help you.
jgwiggs	are there any specifics about your dwelling that need to be say perfect?
pamela_kruger	Dolores, sometimes marriage counseling can help a couple dialogue about the underlying issues. Obviously you're best judge of how to proceed, but sometimes people who resist adoption find the resistance melts away once they have the baby.
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jgwiggs	is it better to adopt thru a state agency or a lawyer?
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pamela_kruger	Agencies aren't there to judge your house. They visit to see if you are fit to be parents.
Donald	Hi, can anyone adopt from Russia? I am of Russian Jewish heritage and would like to consider that country for a baby. Can I get a newborn baby ? I wish to adopt as a single man
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pamela_kruger	Jgwiggs, are you doing an adoption through a child welfare system or a private adoption?
jgwiggs	neither yet we are trying to decide which is better(easier) to go thru
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pamela_kruger	Donald, I don't know what the rules are about Russia right now. Country rules change frequently. I would suggest contacting an adoption agency.
Donald	Can you recommend an agency in NY?
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pamela_kruger	I would suggest joining a yahoo discussion group for Russia adoptions. Lurk for a few weeks, and you'll get a sense of the agencies that have a good reputation and record.
Donald	that's a good idea. Do you know of any websites? Sorry for all the questions but I'm just starting out
jgwiggs	which is easier child welfare or private adoption
AmyR	Hi. I was just going to sit on the sidelines, but I have a suggestion for Donald or anyone else interested in rearching international adoption.
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pamela_kruger	Private adoption typically is more expensive. Child welfare is often faster; the children tend to be older.
AmyR	but unfortunately Donald just left.
AmyR	A wonderful website for international adoption is www.jcics.org
jgwiggs	any suggestions as to where to start
AmyR	That's the Joint Council for International Children's Services
AmyR	It's country specific, and provides an overview of each country's laws
AmyR	And Donald asked about Russia. It lists all of the U.S. agencies that are accredited in Russia.
jill_smolowe	If Donald comes back, there's also Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption) www.FRUA.org
AmyR	and EEadopt.org
jgwiggs	thanks for the links ladies
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Megan	Hi, I just got here. I don't know if you spoke about Chinese adoption - can I get some information - age limits, all that stuff. I heard that Chinese adoption is different now in terms of eligibitility.
Megan	If you covered it let me know and I'll scroll back
jill_smolowe	yes, the rules have just changed. you should google that and get the particulars. broadly, they've tightened the age limits, eliminated single-parent adoptions, lengthened the waiting period and toughened health conditions (particularly the weight) of parents
Megan	can you be more specific about the age limits?
carolynb	Megan, besides getting some of your answers on adopting from China here tonight, you might want to join our educational session with Pamela Thomas whose agency helps people adopt from China. It's on Feb. 20th, 8-9 pm.
Megan	ok, thanks. What about the waiting period - how long is long?
jill_smolowe	it's about 18 months now
Megan	wow.
Megan	I'm 33 - too old, too young? I'm married.
jill_smolowe	it's best to talk to an agency, megan. you're definitely not too old. but it has to do with the combined age of the couple
Megan	My husband is a little "chunky". Is that actually going to be a problem?
Megan	No more potatoes for him!
Megan	He's about 30 lbs. overweight
carolynb	Megan, they want to rule out people who are obese.
Megan	oh, ok. thanks
jill_smolowe	again, these rules are so new. you'd do best to talk with an adoption agency dealing in China adoptions. pam and i are adoptive parents. each country is different, and china's rules have just changed, which is to say even the agencies are trying to figure them out. Also, they're not clad in stone as yet
Megan	Got it. Have either of you adopted from China? I haven't read your book, sorry
jill_smolowe	yes, i adopted from china in 1995. my daughter was 7 months at the time and is now 12-going-on-26. Five of the essays in our book were written by people who adopted from china
Megan	Any words of wisdom? What is the experience like?
jill_smolowe	take it one step at a time and know that (unlike infertility) there WILL be a child at the end of the journey
carolynb	For those of you who got here late, Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe's book is "A Love Like No Other: Stories From Adoptive Parents."
jill_smolowe	the experience, by the way Megan, is a rollercoaster. often spouses are not in the same place emotionally at the same time. it can get bumpy. but it's worth it. Totally.
Megan	That's not our issue. We're both gung ho
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jill_smolowe	that makes you unusual. so maybe your journey will be more gentle! if you've both agreed on china, then it sounds like you just need to pick an agency and get going. there's lots and lots of paperwork ahead
Corey_Whelan	Folks, we're a little over the half way mark. Please don't wait to type in your questions!
Corey_Whelan	Jill and Pamela, I wonder if you can tell us what the catalyst was for writing your book. It is wonderful, btw.
jill_smolowe	lots of you are quiet out there. any questions about the emotional stuff? the transition from thinking biological child to adoptive? that sort of thing??
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pamela_kruger	Our book is primarily about the experience of being an adoptive parent. We felt there were plenty of books about the process of adopting--but not as much about what happens after you bring the child home. We wanted to delve into all of the issues that adoptive parents will talk about privately--but not often publicly.
Suzi	Hi, well now that you mention it. I am here but really don't want to adopt. I feel so sad about it. Just want to check it out.
pamela_kruger	Do you mean you feel sad about not having a child biologically?
Suzi	yes. Giving up on that dream. That is what I really want. I'm sticking a toe into adoption but it isn't what I ever wanted or visualized. I don't think I know one adopted person.
Suzi	I feel bad saying it out loud.
jill_smolowe	Suzi, you need to take this at your own pace. For me, the transition to adoption and away from biology was almost immediate because my desire and need to be a mother was so much greater than my need to bear a child. For my husband, however, it was a difficult transition and took time.
carolynb	I felt that way when I embarked on adoption, too, Suzi.
Laura	Don't feel bad Suzi... I still feel that way at times. My DH and I are still exploring the idea of adoption, that's why I'm here "listening" in.
Suzi	So you all feel that it is inevitable that I will accept the change?
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jill_smolowe	Also, Suzi, you shouldn't feel bad at all. I think most females dream from the time they are children of "having" a child. Giving up that dream, that assumption, can be very, very difficult. I am sorry you're in so much pain. But it's totally understandable.
Suzi	yup. thanks.
jill_smolowe	inevitable you'll "accept the change"? don't know. i guess you gotta go through it to get to it
Suzi	I really haven't decided. I change my mind every day. I'm driving myself crazy.
Suzi	thank you all for listening.
jill_smolowe	is the decision to abandon fertility treatments?
Suzi	yes, we're done with that.
Suzi	And money is an issue. You can't go on forever with all of this. I thought I'd have three by now!
carolynb	Suzi, just talking to other people who have adopted is a way of opening yourself to the possibility. I was "drawn in" when I heard other people's stories. It was gradual.
jill_smolowe	then i think you should sit with the feeling of loss for a while. perhaps the idea of adoption will ease in, perhaps it won't. might help up the road to attend some function w/adoptive families just to see that they're like any other family: kids loving and depending on their parents, parents loving and doting on their kids
pamela_kruger	Suzi, I have one biological child and one child we adopted from Kazakhstan when she was an infant. Before adopting, I worried that maybe I would feel differently about her (the daughter we adopted), or that perhaps my extended family would. I can honestly say that none of my fears were realized. The day we brought her home from the orphanage, I felt this enormous connection--this deep desire to protect and nurture her. Not unlike what I felt after giving birth to my daughter.
Suzi	Well that's pretty powerful.
jill_smolowe	and my husband balked right up to the day they put our daughter in his arms. hook. line. sinker. we're now 12 years and counting. he's proved a superdad. but then, she's a super daughter. honestly.
pamela_kruger	I also might add that the minute I walked into the orphanage, and saw these babies crying, untended, I knew immediately that adopting was the right choice for me. I also understood the whole Mia Farrow syndrome--if I had more resources--financial, emotional, physical!--I would want to bring home many kids from that orphanage.
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Corey_Whelan	Hi everyone and welcome to our late arrivals. We've got about ten minutes left.
jill_smolowe	anyone else out there finding it hard to let go of the idea of biology being the sole connection to parenting a child? that's a tough assumption to let go of.
chrissy	I still hope to conceive - I guess I probably will for awhie, we are unexplained!
jill_smolowe	good luck! hope it happens for you
chrissy	but my adopted daughter is my world --
chrissy	thanks
jill_smolowe	oh. you saved the punchline!
chrissy	::smile
jill_smolowe	chrissy, where is your daughter from? (domestic? international?)
chrissy	domestic
chrissy	she is from my home state - mississippi
chrissy	I can not wait to get your book ---I love hearing/reading adoption stories!
jill_smolowe	excellent!
chrissy	esp. now since we have a baby
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chrissy	where did you get the title ---
chrissy	I know it is a love like no other -- but just curious
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carolynb	Jill and Pam, you know I'm a fan of yours! "A Love Like No Other" appeals to me because of its honesty. And you have brought that to this conversation tonight, too. Thank you?
jill_smolowe	our pleasure. we wish everyone good fortune in building their families
pamela_kruger	Thanks again!
Corey_Whelan	Yes, we want to extend a very grateful thank you to Jill and to Pamela, who started out tonight with technical difficulties and soldiered on!!!! And thanks to all of you too who participated - your questions and honesty help move everyone forward on their journey.
carolynb	Everyone, please check The AFA website to learn more about the Adoption Telecoaching Session on Feb. 6th, 9-10 pm ET.
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Corey_Whelan	Our chat is officially over. Thanks again to everyone for participating.
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carolynb	Thanks, Corey, for hosting this session tonight!
Corey_Whelan	CArolyn, I'm calling you for a sec, can you pick up?
Corey_Whelan	got your machine
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What Is Adoption Really Like?

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