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The American Fertility Association Blog

Story of the Three Must-Haves

June 19, 2009 - Friday
Posted by admin

When my partner and I decided to get pregnant, the first step was finding a sperm donor who would help us conceive a child. Over the course of our attempt to get pregnant, we used one known donor and 5 anonymous donors.

We initially focused on finding a known donor because we wanted our child to have the potential to know this person when they were older. We established a few criteria: they must be in a monogamous relationship, should have children, and who was willing to be identified as the donor. We didn’t want him to co-parent, but we did hope he would be open to being in our lives as a friend. We approached a few of our friends, and a couple even approached us.

Not surprisingly, many declined because they didn’t feel they could remain uninvolved, especially those with children. These men are great fathers, and though they wanted to help us, they were afraid of remaining uninvolved with a child that was biologically related to them. A couple times, it was the female partner who offered their male partners’ gametes. These conversations often originated after a few drinks, and both time the men rescinded their partners’ offer. Many times, these conversations were light-hearted and respectful, but didn’t progress beyond the initial inquiry. After a year, we finally found someone who was interested in helping out and he underwent testing. We hired lawyers specializing in family law to draw up the legal contracts which would protect everyone’s rights, but we found out he would still have to sign over his parental rights after a child was born so that Barbara could adopt. We ended the agreement when no pregnancies occurred after a year of trying at home inseminations with fresh semen, and we remain friends with him to this day.

Rather than re-initiate the whole process of finding a known donor, we decided to turn to an anonymous sperm bank to provide the missing gametes. We started the process with a long list of criteria which included a decent sense of humor, not too religious, blue or green eyes, no family cancer history, between 5’9” and 6’2,” European descent, and willing to be known when the child turned 18. Many sperm banks offer a range of information for free and for a small fee. Most even offer a photo matching service where the non-biological parent (male or female) can send a picture and a donor with similar features will be suggested. Sperm banks are pretty similar in policies and information, but there was tremendous diversity in costs, free online information, and availability of donors. In addition to having a wide range of choices, there were clear legal benefits to using an anonymous donor that protected us from a potential parental challenge we could have faced from a known donor.

We used five different donors from two banks before we finally got pregnant via IVF and ICSI. The longer it took to get pregnant, the shorter our criteria list got until we ended up with three “must-haves.” Those must-haves included no family history of cancer, a height range, and someone willing to be known in the future. The earlier list reflected our personal values and physical characteristics, but in the end, our number one goal was to have a baby. We achieved that goal, met the three must-have criteria, and realized that it didn’t really matter if the donor had a sense of humor or a happy childhood. The only things that really mattered were that our son would be loved, nurtured, and cared for by two loving parents thanks to the help of a third person’s generosity. I don’t know if the young man knows the joy he has brought to our life, but I hope we get a chance to meet him some day and thank him in person.


Sierra Hansen

Categories
Donor Sperm • Family Building • IUI • IVF • LGBT • Sperm Donation

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Happy Pride!

June 15, 2009 - Monday
Posted by admin

I had been looking forward to BrooklynPride Day for weeks.  The AFA decided to set up a tent there so we could speak to people about family building and for me this was so amazing, because BrooklynPride takes place in my own backyard, along Prospect Park in Park Slope.  I was really looking forward to having my friends, neighbors and especially my own kids stopping by The AFA tent, as well as the 5,000 visitors who typically come to Park Slope for this annual event.  I strolled it last year with Connor and Caitlin but at that time, the three of us were much more intent on the baba ghanoush and costume jewelry available for sale, than on the information available.  What a difference a year makes! 

I knew I would want to write a blog entry about the event, but last week when I visualized my words on paper, I thought I would call this entry Gay is the New Black.  Which I like as a title a lot.  But the truth is, that title didn’t fit the spirit of this amazing day, which was simply, Pure Happiness. 

Ken (Mosesian, The AFA’s Executive Director) had threatened to buy me a teeshirt with “Middle Aged Straight Woman” written on it to wear to Pride, but mercifully, he didn’t.  Instead the four of us showed up in our regular clothes: Dr. Jessica Brown and Dr. Cristina Matera, both of Madison Women’s Health & Fertility, plus Melinda Micciola,The AFA’s Director of Operations and me.  Madison Women’s has always been a safe, compassionate practice for single women, gay or straight, to go to and we were honored to have them sponsor our tent. 
The whole neighborhood was out there it seemed.  Lots of couples of every kind, proud to show off loving pda’s.  I’ve never seen so many cute dogs wearing colorful bandanas.  My fave moment?  The cutest 6 month old baby boy wearing an “I Love My Two Moms teeshirt”, happily utilizing an AFA directory cd as a chew toy. 

At the tent, we were knee deep in people who wanted to talk to all of us. 

I have to tell you, Saturday made me so happy.  I love talking to people, and so many stopped by our booth.  Their faces were so eager and open, and gawd, so many of them were very young!  At least to me.  There was one young woman who was intent on freezing her eggs - until Melinda and I explained to her that as a 34 year old lesbian, freezing her embryos was a better choice.  Another woman was grateful to hear from someone point blank that she should move onto IVF or IVM after 8 unsuccessful IUI’s.  She said that no one had told her that before.  And of course, we fell in love with Anthony and Ricky, what a handsome couple.  They are currently keeping their fingers crossed that their adoption will come through. 

We spoke to the earnest faced kids who go to Harvey Milk High School.  Two of them in particular were glad to get specific info about their potential to be moms and dads someday, information that they were comfortable taking home to their parents that night.

I especially loved connecting with Rev. Elizabeth Alexander, the Pastor of The Church of Gethsemane.  What a cool woman.  I’ve never seen so many colors worn at once, so amazingly well.  She spoke to me a little bit about how hard it was for her to come out - to the LGBT community - as a Presbyterian pastor.  I could have spoken to her for hours, and am looking forward to her soon to come contribution to this page as a blogger.

There were so many more.  They kept stopping by, even when the rain couldn’t hold out any longer. 

You know it’s funny.  We as professionals in this world of family building take so much for granted.  We think that everyone out there is as up to speed on their baby making options as we are.  But you know what?  They’re not.  Gay or straight, it really doesn’t matter.  We have a lot of work to do to make sure - to make really sure - that people know and understand what they can do so that they make the right choices early on, and protect themselves and their futures.

Happy Pride everyone!

Corey Whelan

Program Director

The American Fertility Association

Categories
Adoption • Egg Freezing • Family Building • Gay and Lesbian Family Building • LGBT

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Welcoming Jesse

May 27, 2009 - Wednesday
Posted by admin

By:  Sierra Hansen

When my partner announced 7 years ago she wanted to start a family, I was speechless. We never really talked about getting pregnant because we knew it would require money and effort and we simply weren’t ready to initiate the whole process. She was 37 and I was 31, so it was obvious she would go first. We announced our plans to get pregnant to all of our friends, asked for tons of advice, found a friend willing to be our donor, and tried to get pregnant.

And tried, and tried, and tried. We adopted a laissez faire attitude because like many women our ages, we thought as soon as we decided to get pregnant, it would be a snap.  It wasn’t. After 7 years, we used 6 different sperm donors (known and unknown), underwent ~30 IUIs, 18 which were medically assisted with drugs, and finally one IVF procedure which culminated in a happy 9 month old boy.

At first, we were giddy with excitement every time we tried to inseminate, and we held our collective breath for the two weeks between trying and the first pregnancy test. After a year, we began to wonder if we shouldn’t talk to a specialist. We did, and it was eye-opening. We thought we were well-informed and educated about our fertility. Boy, were we wrong. So, we initiated a much more strategic, medically-assisted plan with a great physician who shared the startling truth about reproductive health. He brought up concerns about my partner’s age, and suggested we only try 6 IUI’s before we consider IVF or switching to me. We began to dread the two week wait, especially when our friends were constantly enquiring how the baby-making was coming along. We finally told people that no news was bad news, and most got the hint.

Meanwhile, we watched a number of our straight and gay friends have one and two babies. We rubbed pregnant bellies and babysat as much as possible hoping some good luck would rub off on us. After the 6 IUI’s with our doctor wrapped up the second year of trying, my partner had given up and it was my turn. She tried to keep her chin up, but I knew she was devastated. I did my best to support her, and we turned our hopes to my getting pregnant quickly. We took a few months off to recoup our energy and spirits and started again.

When I started, we didn’t tell anybody except for our closest friends. We just couldn’t handle the monthly barrage of questions, and the seemingly inevitable “No news is bad news” response. Our best friends tried to be supportive, but after 11 cycles of drug-assisted IUI’s, we began to isolate ourselves from them. One day, about 2 months before we knew we would have to make the decision to go forward with IVF or remain childless, we invited our neighbors who were walking by in for a glass of wine. She announced no wine for her because she was expecting, patting her belly to reinforce the announcement. A month earlier they were not even sure they wanted kids and all of a sudden they were pregnant. I wanted to yell at them, slam the door, crumple into a ball and cry. I didn’t. Somehow, I found the courage to invite them in, offer her a glass of water, and toast their good fortune. We did pull back from them, and our close friends, after letting them know we were really struggling with the inability to get pregnant. Our friends understood when we crawled into our shells.

When we initiated the IVF, our physician was incredibly optimistic. The most optimistic he had been in a long time. While my inability to get pregnant via IUI stumped him, he thought I would be a good candidate for IVF success. He was right. After all the shots, pills, ultrasounds, and blood tests, my doctor harvested 21 eggs, fertilized 14, and eventually 5 made it to blastocyst. We froze three, and two were transferred. One took, and when a beautiful 8lb, 6oz baby boy was born 9 months later, we named him Jesse. I had the easiest pregnancy in the world and Jesse is an amazing baby. Today we feel very lucky and grateful that we have a child with big blue eyes who sleeps through the night. However, we try to educate our friends who seek information about getting pregnant at every opportunity. If our experience can help shorten the time it takes another couple, we’ll consider it a bonus.

Best,

Sierra Hansen

To read more about Gay Moms Doing Well Despite Prop 8, click here

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-gregory/gay-moms-doing-well_b_207455.html

Sierra Hansen and her partner, Barbara, have been together for 14 years, and last August she gave birth to a baby boy. She is currently a graduate student at the University of Washington researching on infertility genetics, policy, and law.

 

 

Categories
Donor Sperm • Family Building • Fertility • Fertility Drugs • Frozen Sperm • Gay and Lesbian Family Building • IUI • IVF • LGBT • Pregnancy • Sperm Donation

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I Love a Parade

May 15, 2009 - Friday
Posted by Ken

3:45 p.m.

Dateline: Los Angeles - the summer of 1992.

250,000 people lining sun-drenched Santa Monica Boulevard for the Gay Pride Parade.

I was working for AIDS Project Los Angeles, at the time one of the largest AIDS service organizations in the world, and we were out in force. My best friend and roommate, Karen, marched with me for moral support. The previous year I had watched the parade from the sidelines, this year I was center stage.

So many things went through my mind as a gay man. How far out of the closet the movement had come; how diverse the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community really was; the tremendous support of our straight allies; the number of churches and synagogues that chose to march under the banner of their respective houses of worship.

But the thing that stood out the most was the contingent from PFLAG - Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. There were hundreds of proud parents marching with their gay kids, and in a few cases, their gay kids and their grandchildren.

I remember how deeply moved I was by the sight of these families. You could feel the intense love between parents and children and I thought - maybe one day. Maybe. I’ll meet the man of my dreams and we’ll have a child together. Fast forward to 2009. I’ve been living with the man of my dreams for 15 years and we’ve chosen child-free living as being the best option of us.

And, I’m really proud to say that The AFA is committed to helping lesbians and gay men on their family building journeys.  One way we’re doing so is by participating in the festivals at Gay Pride Parades across the country this year and next. We’ll be renting booth space, supported by local professionals, and along with these supporters will be talking with festival-goers about the basics of LGBT family building. But more than just showing up at the events, we’ll be creating additional support materials and working with LGBT Centers nationally.

I’ve watched as first the prevalence of gay and lesbian parents has increased and then as the average age of these parents has decreased, to the point that seeing a young gay couple in their late 20’s with a child is now not a novelty.

Family is one of the deepest desires we all have, however we choose to define it. And The AFA, through its LGBT Outreach is determined to ease the path to parenthood in every way that we can. Don’t be a sideliner - we need volunteers to help staff the booths and we need sponsors to help support the program. Let Corey@TheAFA know if you’re able to help in any way.

To find a parade in your state Click Here

Ken Mosesian
Executive Director

Categories
Family Building • LGBT

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A Message From The Acting Executive Director

June 6, 2008 - Friday
Posted by Ken

August 13, 2004 - I remember the day well. Our marriage was declared null and void by the State of California.

We weren’t alone. Others received the same notice that we did. We were part of a few thousand gay and lesbian couples who were married at City Hall in San Francisco, when Mayor Gavin Newsom took a bold stance for marriage equality.

Having the state tell us that our marriage wasn’t worth the paper it was written on wasn’t unexpected, but it was shocking nonetheless.

Though we had been together for 10 years, those seven months or so had felt different. We began talking about what it meant to be married, to have that piece of paper that said we were bound - in the very best way - to each other. Yes, we had a commitment ceremony at our church, and yes, we knew we were married in the eyes of God, but that damned piece of paper and what it represented - the rights and privileges the we had only dared to dream that we might one day possess - meant more than we could have imagined.

And then there were the practical benefits that our straight counterparts never had to think about. We couldn’t travel without carrying all of our documents with us: durable powers of attorney, both medical and legal, and our wills. Why? Because, should an emergency befall one of us, our 10 year relationship would be considered nothing more than a “friendship” at the Emergency Room, and we would have absolutely no say in each others care, and no right to be present with each other, even if one of us was dying.

May 15, 2008 - The California Supreme Court strikes down the ban on so-called “gay marriage.” Another day I will remember extremely well. A moderately conservative Republican majority court went so far as to declare that any law that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation will be constitutionally suspect. It was a spectacular day for human rights, human dignity and human justice.

Chief Justice Ronald M. George, writing for the majority, stated “Our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation. An individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.”

For gay and lesbian couples with children, or wishing to have children, this is fantastic news. It means that as a married couple they will automatically have co-equal parental rights. It means that they will have access to health insurance for an adopted child from the time it is placed in their home, not the average of six months later, when the adoption is final. This is something that married, heterosexual couples never had to contend with.

It means that estate planning and probate law, both of which are state-based, will now apply equally to gay and lesbian married couples. Children will have dependant rights from both dads and both moms, and there will be no concern about inheritance issues.

In short, marriage will confer what it is intended to confer: security for the couple and protection for their children.

Unfortunately, being a married gay couple will still not be equal to being a married straight couple, because the rights and responsibilities conferred from a federal level will not apply. So things such as survivor benefits from social security and Cobra (continuing employer health insurance after a job loss), are only available to one man, one woman marriages. Registered domestic partners in California have been able to file joint state tax returns for the past year, and this right will continue as marriage for same gender couples becomes legal. But state-based marriage equality will not allow for joint federal tax filing, creating another layer of paperwork for gay and lesbian couples.

But it is a great start and a great day for all families. Children of married gay parents will now have a vocabulary in common with their friends who have opposite gender parents. They can say their parents are married - literally - and mean it. That common language cannot be underestimated. It will be heard by children when married gay parents talk to married straight parents. Terms like husband and wife will become orientation-neutral.

I was also struck by hearing one child say he loved Family Week—an annual gathering of 2,000 primarily LGBT parents and their kids — because for one time every year, his family was just like other families. Last week’s decision in California is going to have a profound impact on this child and thousands of other children. The gender of their parents will become less of an issue over time, and we all will be able to look at families through a different lens: one that focuses on love, commitment, generosity and kindness, and time spent with children, more than sexual orientation or gender.

May 15, 2008 was a very good day, indeed. It was, at its very heart, a day that expanded the rights of, and protections for, children. And that is something that should make all of us, gay and straight alike, very happy.

Until next time,

Ken Mosesian
Acting Executive Director

Categories
Gay and Lesbian Family Building • LGBT • Marriage

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