The American Fertility Association Blog
Secrets
May 20, 2009 - Wednesday
Posted by Corey
I was interviewed by Vogue Magazine today about the Manicures & Martinis Infertility Prevention Program. The editor wanted to know what the most important take home message from the series was. I circled around that for awhile and this is what I truly think. More than anything else on the planet, people are entitled to their own personal truth. The truth about themselves. And women deserve to know the truth about their own biological clocks and what their bodies can and can’t do.
Personal truth. In my view, people have the right to know. Were they were donor inseminated? Or adopted? Carried by a surrogate? Whatever it is, we all have the right to know.
You know what? Facebook has been very good to me. I have reconnected with friends and family I haven’t seen in years and years but never stopped loving. I have brought lots of family back into my life, among them, seven cousins, especially my cousin Robyn who is one of the true loves of my life. But another cousin too, who was adopted in 1955, the same year I was born. But you know what’s really weird - I don’t think he knows he’s adopted. And here we sit, reconnecting over coffee after all these years, and I have a secret. His secret. We are both in our fifties, and even after all this time, it’s so bizarre. I don’t think he knows that we are not biologically linked. And to tell you the truth, it is making me crazy.
God, how the world has changed since the 1950’s, it’s like another planet, not another era. I have a funny photograph of my cousin being bottle fed by his mom while she is holding a cigarette in the same hand. Child abuse by today’s standards.
My cousin has a right to know. And I don’t know what the hell to do.
Corey Whelan
Program Director
The American Fertility Association
Categories
Adoption •
Donor Sperm •
Fertility Preservation •
Infertility •
IUI •
Surrogacy
Here’s the rub. His parents, like mine, have passed. There is no one left to tell him except me. It’s so heavy on my mind I can’t begin to tell you. As generations fade away, they take so much with them, time heals, but it also steals.
That is such a tough call.
What does your intuition say?
I just don’t know. Right now, I’m simply in the space of not knowing. I think I have to hang in the relationship and figure it out as we go.
I came over from Lori’s blog, Weebles Wobblog. I left a comment on her blog at: https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=827048175368860099&postID=8638242459494917373.
I read tarot cards and pulled a couple in response to your situation. Hopefully this will give you some guidance as you decide how to handle this situation.
My sense is that if you look into your heart and tap into your intuition, you already know what you will do. I’ll be interested to hear what happens next.
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I think your cousin not knowing something so fundamental to his Self is tragic.
If/when he does find out, it will probably rock. his. world. If something so basic is not what it seems, how can he trust ANYTHING, ANYONE?
Secrecy breeds shame, and no one should grow up feeling he/she is shameful, simply for BEing.
The world of reproductive medicine opens up a host of ways to create life, and I have not looked at each permutation. But I would hope that parents via ART and/or adoption would resolve their OWN fears and grief as they decide how to handle truth with their children, in a way that is best for the children.
Great post, Corey. I’m not sure there is anything you can do about your cousin, except encourage his parents to deal with it. And then offer tons of support to your cousin.