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The American Fertility Association Blog
Welcoming Jesse
May 27, 2009 - Wednesday
Posted by admin
By: Sierra Hansen
When my partner announced 7 years ago she wanted to start a family, I was speechless. We never really talked about getting pregnant because we knew it would require money and effort and we simply weren’t ready to initiate the whole process. She was 37 and I was 31, so it was obvious she would go first. We announced our plans to get pregnant to all of our friends, asked for tons of advice, found a friend willing to be our donor, and tried to get pregnant.
And tried, and tried, and tried. We adopted a laissez faire attitude because like many women our ages, we thought as soon as we decided to get pregnant, it would be a snap. It wasn’t. After 7 years, we used 6 different sperm donors (known and unknown), underwent ~30 IUIs, 18 which were medically assisted with drugs, and finally one IVF procedure which culminated in a happy 9 month old boy.
At first, we were giddy with excitement every time we tried to inseminate, and we held our collective breath for the two weeks between trying and the first pregnancy test. After a year, we began to wonder if we shouldn’t talk to a specialist. We did, and it was eye-opening. We thought we were well-informed and educated about our fertility. Boy, were we wrong. So, we initiated a much more strategic, medically-assisted plan with a great physician who shared the startling truth about reproductive health. He brought up concerns about my partner’s age, and suggested we only try 6 IUI’s before we consider IVF or switching to me. We began to dread the two week wait, especially when our friends were constantly enquiring how the baby-making was coming along. We finally told people that no news was bad news, and most got the hint.
Meanwhile, we watched a number of our straight and gay friends have one and two babies. We rubbed pregnant bellies and babysat as much as possible hoping some good luck would rub off on us. After the 6 IUI’s with our doctor wrapped up the second year of trying, my partner had given up and it was my turn. She tried to keep her chin up, but I knew she was devastated. I did my best to support her, and we turned our hopes to my getting pregnant quickly. We took a few months off to recoup our energy and spirits and started again.
When I started, we didn’t tell anybody except for our closest friends. We just couldn’t handle the monthly barrage of questions, and the seemingly inevitable “No news is bad news” response. Our best friends tried to be supportive, but after 11 cycles of drug-assisted IUI’s, we began to isolate ourselves from them. One day, about 2 months before we knew we would have to make the decision to go forward with IVF or remain childless, we invited our neighbors who were walking by in for a glass of wine. She announced no wine for her because she was expecting, patting her belly to reinforce the announcement. A month earlier they were not even sure they wanted kids and all of a sudden they were pregnant. I wanted to yell at them, slam the door, crumple into a ball and cry. I didn’t. Somehow, I found the courage to invite them in, offer her a glass of water, and toast their good fortune. We did pull back from them, and our close friends, after letting them know we were really struggling with the inability to get pregnant. Our friends understood when we crawled into our shells.
When we initiated the IVF, our physician was incredibly optimistic. The most optimistic he had been in a long time. While my inability to get pregnant via IUI stumped him, he thought I would be a good candidate for IVF success. He was right. After all the shots, pills, ultrasounds, and blood tests, my doctor harvested 21 eggs, fertilized 14, and eventually 5 made it to blastocyst. We froze three, and two were transferred. One took, and when a beautiful 8lb, 6oz baby boy was born 9 months later, we named him Jesse. I had the easiest pregnancy in the world and Jesse is an amazing baby. Today we feel very lucky and grateful that we have a child with big blue eyes who sleeps through the night. However, we try to educate our friends who seek information about getting pregnant at every opportunity. If our experience can help shorten the time it takes another couple, we’ll consider it a bonus.
Best,
Sierra Hansen
To read more about Gay Moms Doing Well Despite Prop 8, click here
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-gregory/gay-moms-doing-well_b_207455.html
Sierra Hansen and her partner, Barbara, have been together for 14 years, and last August she gave birth to a baby boy. She is currently a graduate student at the University of Washington researching on infertility genetics, policy, and law.
Categories
Donor Sperm •
Family Building •
Fertility •
Fertility Drugs •
Frozen Sperm •
Gay and Lesbian Family Building •
IUI •
IVF •
LGBT •
Pregnancy •
Sperm Donation
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I Love a Parade
May 15, 2009 - Friday
Posted by Ken
3:45 p.m.
Dateline: Los Angeles - the summer of 1992.
250,000 people lining sun-drenched Santa Monica Boulevard for the Gay Pride Parade.
I was working for AIDS Project Los Angeles, at the time one of the largest AIDS service organizations in the world, and we were out in force. My best friend and roommate, Karen, marched with me for moral support. The previous year I had watched the parade from the sidelines, this year I was center stage.
So many things went through my mind as a gay man. How far out of the closet the movement had come; how diverse the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community really was; the tremendous support of our straight allies; the number of churches and synagogues that chose to march under the banner of their respective houses of worship.
But the thing that stood out the most was the contingent from PFLAG - Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. There were hundreds of proud parents marching with their gay kids, and in a few cases, their gay kids and their grandchildren.
I remember how deeply moved I was by the sight of these families. You could feel the intense love between parents and children and I thought - maybe one day. Maybe. I’ll meet the man of my dreams and we’ll have a child together. Fast forward to 2009. I’ve been living with the man of my dreams for 15 years and we’ve chosen child-free living as being the best option of us.
And, I’m really proud to say that The AFA is committed to helping lesbians and gay men on their family building journeys. One way we’re doing so is by participating in the festivals at Gay Pride Parades across the country this year and next. We’ll be renting booth space, supported by local professionals, and along with these supporters will be talking with festival-goers about the basics of LGBT family building. But more than just showing up at the events, we’ll be creating additional support materials and working with LGBT Centers nationally.
I’ve watched as first the prevalence of gay and lesbian parents has increased and then as the average age of these parents has decreased, to the point that seeing a young gay couple in their late 20’s with a child is now not a novelty.
Family is one of the deepest desires we all have, however we choose to define it. And The AFA, through its LGBT Outreach is determined to ease the path to parenthood in every way that we can. Don’t be a sideliner - we need volunteers to help staff the booths and we need sponsors to help support the program. Let Corey@TheAFA know if you’re able to help in any way.
To find a parade in your state Click Here
Ken Mosesian
Executive Director
Categories
Family Building •
LGBT
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A Message From The Acting Executive Director
June 6, 2008 - Friday
Posted by Ken
August 13, 2004 - I remember the day well. Our marriage was declared null and void by the State of California.
We weren’t alone. Others received the same notice that we did. We were part of a few thousand gay and lesbian couples who were married at City Hall in San Francisco, when Mayor Gavin Newsom took a bold stance for marriage equality.
Having the state tell us that our marriage wasn’t worth the paper it was written on wasn’t unexpected, but it was shocking nonetheless.
Though we had been together for 10 years, those seven months or so had felt different. We began talking about what it meant to be married, to have that piece of paper that said we were bound - in the very best way - to each other. Yes, we had a commitment ceremony at our church, and yes, we knew we were married in the eyes of God, but that damned piece of paper and what it represented - the rights and privileges the we had only dared to dream that we might one day possess - meant more than we could have imagined.
And then there were the practical benefits that our straight counterparts never had to think about. We couldn’t travel without carrying all of our documents with us: durable powers of attorney, both medical and legal, and our wills. Why? Because, should an emergency befall one of us, our 10 year relationship would be considered nothing more than a “friendship” at the Emergency Room, and we would have absolutely no say in each others care, and no right to be present with each other, even if one of us was dying.
May 15, 2008 - The California Supreme Court strikes down the ban on so-called “gay marriage.” Another day I will remember extremely well. A moderately conservative Republican majority court went so far as to declare that any law that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation will be constitutionally suspect. It was a spectacular day for human rights, human dignity and human justice.
Chief Justice Ronald M. George, writing for the majority, stated “Our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation. An individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.”
For gay and lesbian couples with children, or wishing to have children, this is fantastic news. It means that as a married couple they will automatically have co-equal parental rights. It means that they will have access to health insurance for an adopted child from the time it is placed in their home, not the average of six months later, when the adoption is final. This is something that married, heterosexual couples never had to contend with.
It means that estate planning and probate law, both of which are state-based, will now apply equally to gay and lesbian married couples. Children will have dependant rights from both dads and both moms, and there will be no concern about inheritance issues.
In short, marriage will confer what it is intended to confer: security for the couple and protection for their children.
Unfortunately, being a married gay couple will still not be equal to being a married straight couple, because the rights and responsibilities conferred from a federal level will not apply. So things such as survivor benefits from social security and Cobra (continuing employer health insurance after a job loss), are only available to one man, one woman marriages. Registered domestic partners in California have been able to file joint state tax returns for the past year, and this right will continue as marriage for same gender couples becomes legal. But state-based marriage equality will not allow for joint federal tax filing, creating another layer of paperwork for gay and lesbian couples.
But it is a great start and a great day for all families. Children of married gay parents will now have a vocabulary in common with their friends who have opposite gender parents. They can say their parents are married - literally - and mean it. That common language cannot be underestimated. It will be heard by children when married gay parents talk to married straight parents. Terms like husband and wife will become orientation-neutral.
I was also struck by hearing one child say he loved Family Week—an annual gathering of 2,000 primarily LGBT parents and their kids — because for one time every year, his family was just like other families. Last week’s decision in California is going to have a profound impact on this child and thousands of other children. The gender of their parents will become less of an issue over time, and we all will be able to look at families through a different lens: one that focuses on love, commitment, generosity and kindness, and time spent with children, more than sexual orientation or gender.
May 15, 2008 was a very good day, indeed. It was, at its very heart, a day that expanded the rights of, and protections for, children. And that is something that should make all of us, gay and straight alike, very happy.
Until next time,
Ken Mosesian
Acting Executive Director
Categories
Gay and Lesbian Family Building •
LGBT •
Marriage
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Life Is Change
March 4, 2008 - Tuesday
Posted by Ken
Change. It’s a word that both inspires and terrifies. On one hand there’s the opportunity for growth and adventure, on the other, we’re called out of the familiar and the comfortable.
And yet all of life is change. In the few seconds that it took you to read the sentences above, we have all changed. We’re older, cells have died and been recreated, new thoughts have emerged, and old ones have been rekindled. The only constant in life, the saying goes, is change.
Organizations experience change as well, and I’m writing to share with you the changes that have taken place at The AFA. As some of you may know, Pamela Madsen, The AFA’s founder, recently resigned her position as Executive Director. As she stated in her farewell blog, “I have given everything that I had to give.”
Her contributions to The AFA were considerable, and her commitment to those facing reproductive challenges unsurpassed. So I acknowledge all that Pam did to bring The AFA from infancy to this point in its growth. Simply stated, we could not have gotten here without her.
Though Pam is no longer with the organization, the rest of the staff remains, fully committed to taking the good work that has been done and building upon it.
I was hired, two years ago, to consult with The AFA to help position the organization for growth and development in a rapidly changing field. Now, the board has asked that I continue to work with them as the Acting Executive Director while a dedicated board committee conducts a national search. The committee members have invited me to formally apply for the position, which I intend to do.
I am certain that the board will hire the most qualified person to fill the position of Executive Director, and regardless of the outcome, I will work with The AFA - in whatever capacity the boards requests of me - to help guide this organization through an incredibly exciting time in its history.
It is a great privilege to continue to work with such tremendously dedicated staff members and board of directors who are focused on working together to deliver the very best education and support services possible, and to effectively advocate for your interests at every opportunity.
During the past few months, this unique team of staff, volunteers and board members has continued and expanded the work of The AFA, producing three separate e-Newsletters, answering support line phone calls, conducting phone-coaching sessions, producing the first Family Matters San Francisco Conference, and building alliances with other non-profits across the country.
There’s much more to report, including an updated website, an expanding mission to help lift the conversation about fertility into the larger conversation about reproductive health care, an emphasis on preventing STDs in order to protect fertility, the relationship between fertility and the environment and our work with the lesbian and gay communities in their efforts to create families. And of course, our core work with people who are experiencing reproductive challenges.
Thank you for your support. You have my word that you can count on us to continue to earn your trust and respect every day, to produce the best quality work possible, and to do it all with integrity.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions at: [email protected]
Working together, we can make a difference—for good.
Categories
Fertility •
Fertility and the Environment •
IVF •
LGBT •
Reproductive Health
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