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The American Fertility Association Blog
Child-Free Living on Father’s Day
June 22, 2009 - Monday
Posted by admin
About 10 years ago, I received a call from my dad just before Father’s Day. My mom had recently died from her second bout with cancer, and my dad and I had become extremely close as a result. After the usual check-in conversation (how are you feeling, how are the dogs, etc...) he asked if my partner and I had thought about having children, and if so, when he might look forward to that blessed event.
I was caught a little off guard, and all I could say was “why?”
My coming out about a decade earlier was not initially well-received. For my mom, who told me she had known since I was a teenager, it removed any plausible denial that she had left, and solidified in my mind that mothers are truly psychic. For my dad, it was an event of seismic proportion, but not for the reasons that you might imagine. I was a baseball fan (go Giants then, go Diamondbacks now) and a private pilot - two activities that he in no way associated with being gay. “But you like sports!” was a phrase I got used to hearing over and over again as he sought to come to terms with my announcement.
Though everything smoothed out very quickly thanks to our nieces and nephews immediately accepting us, we had never broached the topic of having children with our parents. Not that we hadn’t thought about it. In fact, we had been giving it serious consideration for about six months when my dad popped the question. And that’s really the point of my writing today. Because everyone that I know who considered having children, the decision was not a casual one. As a gay couple, we considered adoption. There are many worthy organizations out there, the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption being one of the best. What about surrogacy? Growing Generations which was one of the pioneers of surrogacy for the gay community, offered another option.
In looking back, our wrestling with the question was about us getting to the place where we recognized that child-free living was an equal option to having a child, so the decision could be made from that perspective. There were many considerations that went into our process, many of them purely emotional and all of them highly personal. My partner was - and still is - a second grade teacher. He has a brilliant way of interacting with children that most parents only aspire to and genuinely loves being with kids and teaching them. For my part, every time I held one of our friends’ babies, something inside me felt great. I kind of melted into the little one in my arms. We thought about how happy it would make my dad and my partner’s parents to have another grandchild. We looked at the practical side as well, knowing the costs involved, both financial and emotional. We looked at the rewards of guiding someone from infancy to adulthood and to deep satisfaction that we imagined in seeing our child live out his or her full potential. Perhaps most importantly, we asked ourselves what was as the heart of the matter, and the answer was creating family.
Ultimately, we opted for child-free living. And we realized that we had constructed a family around us that fulfilled our needs and that allowed us to contribute to others. A family that included our parents, our sisters and brothers, our nieces and nephews, our godchildren, our friends’ children, our friends at church, and yes - even our dog. Because for us family is that most special group of people that we choose to surround ourselves with, and that may or may not be related to us through birth. It is the group that we want to accompany us on our journey on earth. It was not an easy decision, but for us, it was the right one, and ten years later, it still feels right.
I’m going to give my dad a call in a few minutes to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, and to thank him for the answer to my oh-so-simple question 10 years ago when I asked him “why” he wondered if we were going to become parents. “Because,” he replied, “I think you and Bob would make great dads.”
Happy Father’s Day, dad. I love you.
Ken Mosesian
Executive Director
Categories
Adoption •
Donor Egg •
Egg Donation •
Family Building •
Surrogacy •
Third Party Reproduction
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Facing Change
March 16, 2009 - Monday
Posted by Ken
Last year I wrote an article addressing how issues surrounding the topic of infertility would only become more intense in the coming year. What I didn’t realize is the degree to which the infertility conversation would enter mainstream media, and how quickly.
Thus far in 2009, the topic of infertility is everywhere. Whether it’s the mother of eight babies in California or a 60 (plus) year-old woman becoming pregnant through in-vitro fertilization (IVF), infertility has become part of most people’s daily listening and reading, if not daily conversation.
As I write this in mid-March, I’m wondering what’s going to happen this week when the Georgia State Senate considers a “personhood” bill, which defines life at the moment of conception and ascribes all human rights to the embryo from that point forward. The bill would make anyone who damages or destroys an embryo criminally liable, subject to both fines and imprisonment. It would further forbid any disposition of unused embryos except the option to donate them to another couple, (and they do mean married, heterosexual couples). The option to freeze embryos for use at a later date, donate them to scientific research, or dispose of them would be illegal if this bill becomes law.
There are several other bills floating around state legislatures right now. Many are designed to dictate to physicians and patients having difficulty conceiving how many embryos they can create, how many they may transfer, and what the disposition of any unused embryos must be.
New questions are being raised about the use of sperm taken posthumously from a male for the purpose of continuing a family line or ensuring inheritance. Who has the final say in these matters?
Egg freezing is emerging as the most asked about fertility topic of the year. Women and men want to know if eggs can be frozen for use at a later date, similar to what is currently being practiced with unused embryos. If so, what’s the success rate? Is this something we should be encouraging? Are there risks? What are they?
Egg freezing, taking sperm from dead men, legislators dictating what physicians and patients can and can’t do, and the very real possibility of microscopic tissue being called a “child” are just some of the issues The American Fertility Association (The AFA) is helping consumers sort through as they begin or find themselves in the midst of their family building journeys.
7.3 million American women experience difficulty conceiving or bringing a pregnancy to term. Fertility challenges among men may be just as high, as male factor infertility is the sole or contributing cause in about 40% of infertile couples. We are, indeed, faced with a significant challenge.
In addition to providing education and support for those facing fertility challenges, this year, The AFA began an infertility prevention program in which we take education to young women at places they already frequent - like nail salons and health clubs.
Why? There are types of infertility that can be prevented. Avoiding environmental toxins, taking into account the biological clock (fertility begins to decline at age 27 for women and 35 for men) and preventing STD’s are all things that can keep options open for individuals and couples if and when they decide to have children. As everyone knows, prevention, when possible, is the best cure.
Our mission is simple: prevent infertility whenever possible and support people in building families of choice. To learn more, visit us at http://www.theafa.org.
The American Fertility Association, a 501 (c) (3) national non-profit organization is a lifetime resource for infertility prevention, reproductive health and family building. AFA services and materials are provided free of charge to consumers and available to everyone without reservation. These services include an extensive online library, monthly online chats, telephone and in-person coaching, a resource directory, hosted message boards, daily fertility news and a toll-free support line.
http://www.theafa.org or 888.917.3777.
Ken Mosesian
Executive Director
Categories
Donor Egg •
Donor Sperm •
Egg Donation •
Egg Freezing •
Embryo Donation •
Family Building •
Fertility •
Fertility Preservation •
Frozen Embryos •
Frozen Sperm •
Infertility •
IVF •
Reproductive Freedom •
Sexual Health •
Sperm Donation •
Third Party Reproduction
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Super Tuesday - Are You Voting For Your Family?
February 4, 2008 - Monday
Posted by Stuart
Today, when voters from 24 states go to the polls to select the candidates who will represent the major parties in the next election, I’m thinking about how direct our democracy is. I’m thinking about how I voted by absentee ballot for the people who represent my family’s best interests. Not just the family I have at this moment, but the one I’ll have in three weeks when my son is due to be delivered, and the one I reserve the right to have in the future.
As one-half of a gay couple with our first child ready to be born through the amazing assistance of an egg donor and surrogate, I’m keenly aware of the huge strides we’ve made in legalizing many types of family formation. At the same time, I’m acutely conscious of how all that progress could be taken away with the stroke of a pen or the judgment of a court.
That’s why I know deep in my bones that my vote makes a difference. Yours does too.
I suppose it all came home last week I was at lunch with a friend who told me she was voting for one of the candidates who I think is probably the worst on many of the issues that the AFA stands for. I was a little upset at my friend, the mother of two children via surrogacy, for not factoring in reproductive and family building rights into her candidate selection criteria.
Now while I’m gay, and she’s straight, I realized then and there, this isn’t about the politics of sexual orientation. This is about the threats to the basic human right to have family. This is about the threat to assisted reproductive medicine that could wipe out our choice to freeze embryos and to dispose of unused ones according to our individual moral codes. This is about fending off constant challenges to selective reduction, egg donation, genetic diagnosis, surrogacy and gamete donation. And we’ve got to be alert and educated because sometimes the assaults are obvious and sometimes, as in the Colorado push to confer the legal rights of personhood on a fertilized egg, stealthy. We take many of these rights for granted but each of these has come under attack in the last few years.
When I read the papers, listen carefully to the platforms of various candidates, I do know we’ve got to be grounded enough to vote for those who will stand up for the essential right to create family in the ways that are suitable to us. Not according to the ideological dictates of a given administration. But according to our individual hearts.
Knowing just how fragile our family buiding rights are, I believe that this next election is crucial. The results will have a profound impact on our future and that of succeeding generations. I’m voting with all of that in mind. All I can say is I hope you will too.
Stuart Miller
Co-Chair
American Fertility Association
Categories
Adoption •
Egg Donation •
Family Building •
Surrogacy
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Whose Story Is This Anyway?
November 13, 2007 - Tuesday
Posted by Stuart
Our industry is engaging in serious conversations around disclosure issues for children born through sperm and egg donation. As the CEO of a surrogacy and egg donation company, I am involved in these conversations almost daily with both professionals and clients.
But, it is also personal as my partner and I are 28 weeks pregnant with our son through the assistance of an egg donor and surrogate.
We have heard every opinion about this issue—most laced with quite a bit of judgment. One close friend who is also the father of three children through surrogacy and egg donation actually “scolded” me for disclosing to our friends and family who the sperm donor is. “You are taking away the child’s right to tell their own story and that is not right,” he said.
But, my parents never asked me if I wanted it disclosed that they had created me with my father’s sperm and my mother’s egg—and, horrors, that they actually had sex to do it! So, whose story is this anyway?
My partner and I are a mixed-race couple. He is African American and I am white—some would say pale! We decided that we wanted our child to be a reflection of both of us so we picked a white donor who has some resemblance to me and used my partner’s sperm. For us, it was an easy decision and one which we are proud of.
We decided to share this with everyone as neither of us believes that it makes one bit of difference in who the “parents” are. Let’s face it, like many people, we needed help in creating our family and we want to make sure that our child understands that he was created with love and thoughtfulness.
As gay men, we endured shame in our own lives and we certainly don’t want our child feeling any shame for how he was created. We want him to know and celebrate his story.
So, are we ruining our child’s life? I sure hope not. But, I am sure there may be a day when he looks at me and says, “You aren’t my real daddy,” and that will break my heart a bit. But, I will look right in his eyes and tell him I love him and that I am his real daddy, and that he is a very lucky young man to have one that loves him as much as I do.
For all of you out there struggling with this issue, I encourage you to stay engaged in the conversation. And, as the Co-Chair of the American Fertility Association, I will promise you that we’ll stay engaged in the conversation with you as well—and do so without judgment.
All the best,
Stuart Miller
Co-Chair
American Fertility Association
Categories
Egg Donation •
Surrogacy
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