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The American Fertility Association Blog
Child-Free Living on Father’s Day
June 22, 2009 - Monday
Posted by admin
About 10 years ago, I received a call from my dad just before Father’s Day. My mom had recently died from her second bout with cancer, and my dad and I had become extremely close as a result. After the usual check-in conversation (how are you feeling, how are the dogs, etc...) he asked if my partner and I had thought about having children, and if so, when he might look forward to that blessed event.
I was caught a little off guard, and all I could say was “why?”
My coming out about a decade earlier was not initially well-received. For my mom, who told me she had known since I was a teenager, it removed any plausible denial that she had left, and solidified in my mind that mothers are truly psychic. For my dad, it was an event of seismic proportion, but not for the reasons that you might imagine. I was a baseball fan (go Giants then, go Diamondbacks now) and a private pilot - two activities that he in no way associated with being gay. “But you like sports!” was a phrase I got used to hearing over and over again as he sought to come to terms with my announcement.
Though everything smoothed out very quickly thanks to our nieces and nephews immediately accepting us, we had never broached the topic of having children with our parents. Not that we hadn’t thought about it. In fact, we had been giving it serious consideration for about six months when my dad popped the question. And that’s really the point of my writing today. Because everyone that I know who considered having children, the decision was not a casual one. As a gay couple, we considered adoption. There are many worthy organizations out there, the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption being one of the best. What about surrogacy? Growing Generations which was one of the pioneers of surrogacy for the gay community, offered another option.
In looking back, our wrestling with the question was about us getting to the place where we recognized that child-free living was an equal option to having a child, so the decision could be made from that perspective. There were many considerations that went into our process, many of them purely emotional and all of them highly personal. My partner was - and still is - a second grade teacher. He has a brilliant way of interacting with children that most parents only aspire to and genuinely loves being with kids and teaching them. For my part, every time I held one of our friends’ babies, something inside me felt great. I kind of melted into the little one in my arms. We thought about how happy it would make my dad and my partner’s parents to have another grandchild. We looked at the practical side as well, knowing the costs involved, both financial and emotional. We looked at the rewards of guiding someone from infancy to adulthood and to deep satisfaction that we imagined in seeing our child live out his or her full potential. Perhaps most importantly, we asked ourselves what was as the heart of the matter, and the answer was creating family.
Ultimately, we opted for child-free living. And we realized that we had constructed a family around us that fulfilled our needs and that allowed us to contribute to others. A family that included our parents, our sisters and brothers, our nieces and nephews, our godchildren, our friends’ children, our friends at church, and yes - even our dog. Because for us family is that most special group of people that we choose to surround ourselves with, and that may or may not be related to us through birth. It is the group that we want to accompany us on our journey on earth. It was not an easy decision, but for us, it was the right one, and ten years later, it still feels right.
I’m going to give my dad a call in a few minutes to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, and to thank him for the answer to my oh-so-simple question 10 years ago when I asked him “why” he wondered if we were going to become parents. “Because,” he replied, “I think you and Bob would make great dads.”
Happy Father’s Day, dad. I love you.
Ken Mosesian
Executive Director
Categories
Adoption •
Donor Egg •
Egg Donation •
Family Building •
Surrogacy •
Third Party Reproduction
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Story of the Three Must-Haves
June 19, 2009 - Friday
Posted by admin
When my partner and I decided to get pregnant, the first step was finding a sperm donor who would help us conceive a child. Over the course of our attempt to get pregnant, we used one known donor and 5 anonymous donors.
We initially focused on finding a known donor because we wanted our child to have the potential to know this person when they were older. We established a few criteria: they must be in a monogamous relationship, should have children, and who was willing to be identified as the donor. We didn’t want him to co-parent, but we did hope he would be open to being in our lives as a friend. We approached a few of our friends, and a couple even approached us.
Not surprisingly, many declined because they didn’t feel they could remain uninvolved, especially those with children. These men are great fathers, and though they wanted to help us, they were afraid of remaining uninvolved with a child that was biologically related to them. A couple times, it was the female partner who offered their male partners’ gametes. These conversations often originated after a few drinks, and both time the men rescinded their partners’ offer. Many times, these conversations were light-hearted and respectful, but didn’t progress beyond the initial inquiry. After a year, we finally found someone who was interested in helping out and he underwent testing. We hired lawyers specializing in family law to draw up the legal contracts which would protect everyone’s rights, but we found out he would still have to sign over his parental rights after a child was born so that Barbara could adopt. We ended the agreement when no pregnancies occurred after a year of trying at home inseminations with fresh semen, and we remain friends with him to this day.
Rather than re-initiate the whole process of finding a known donor, we decided to turn to an anonymous sperm bank to provide the missing gametes. We started the process with a long list of criteria which included a decent sense of humor, not too religious, blue or green eyes, no family cancer history, between 5’9” and 6’2,” European descent, and willing to be known when the child turned 18. Many sperm banks offer a range of information for free and for a small fee. Most even offer a photo matching service where the non-biological parent (male or female) can send a picture and a donor with similar features will be suggested. Sperm banks are pretty similar in policies and information, but there was tremendous diversity in costs, free online information, and availability of donors. In addition to having a wide range of choices, there were clear legal benefits to using an anonymous donor that protected us from a potential parental challenge we could have faced from a known donor.
We used five different donors from two banks before we finally got pregnant via IVF and ICSI. The longer it took to get pregnant, the shorter our criteria list got until we ended up with three “must-haves.” Those must-haves included no family history of cancer, a height range, and someone willing to be known in the future. The earlier list reflected our personal values and physical characteristics, but in the end, our number one goal was to have a baby. We achieved that goal, met the three must-have criteria, and realized that it didn’t really matter if the donor had a sense of humor or a happy childhood. The only things that really mattered were that our son would be loved, nurtured, and cared for by two loving parents thanks to the help of a third person’s generosity. I don’t know if the young man knows the joy he has brought to our life, but I hope we get a chance to meet him some day and thank him in person.
Sierra Hansen
Categories
Donor Sperm •
Family Building •
IUI •
IVF •
LGBT •
Sperm Donation
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From the Outside, Looking In
June 18, 2009 - Thursday
Posted by admin
The questions, statements, and facts surrounding infertility prevention never cease to amaze me. Each time I hear something on the topic which I’ve heard a dozen times before, it still drops my jaw. Tuesday evening we had a delightful group of 27 women take part in a discussion about infertility prevention, led by Dr. Brian Acacio, of Acacio Fertility Center in Laguna Niguel. It was the latest, in a string of very successful Manicures & Martinis events, The AFA’s national infertility prevention series.
Questions asked at previous events were asked Tuesday night; the discussion went well past sixty minutes; and the women (including and especially the manicurists) were enthralled with Dr. Acacio’s wit and sense-of-humor used to deliver information on such a serious topic. So, besides the obvious, like the speaker and location, what made this one different from the rest? There are plenty of differences which, frankly, are hard to explain. But, a few come to mind: one being Joanne Brown. Ms. Brown enjoyed a Fertilitiini™, enjoyed a manicure, and enjoys life. You see, she struggled with infertility and is now the proud mama of a five month old baby boy, thanks to Dr. Acacio’s help. Her reason for attending was to make herself available to the group of young women for questions. You could tell she has a strong and unique bond with Dr. Acacio and his staff. Whether it’s Dr. Acacio or another fertility specialist - she was there to reassure the ladies there is help out there, when and if they need it. Hopefully they won’t.
Most grandparents (and parents, of course) proudly display photos of their prized possessions on their desk, or in this case on their manicures station. When the event was over one of the manicurists raced over to Mary Garbarino of Acacio Fertility Center with a large picture frame in hand, housing a photo of a beautiful young boy and girl, and said, “these are my two frozen embryo grandbabies,” as her eyes welled up with joy.
Or how about the couple Dr. Acacio mentioned hearing about. The couple attempted intrauterine insemination (IUI) five times, only to discover it was male factor infertility which accounts for some part in 40% of all infertility cases. A tremendous amount of money which could have been saved, had only the guy gotten a simple a simple sperm test (a whopping fifty bucks).
Joann, the manicurist, and the IUI couple have already been there, done that. Their stories not only provide hope, but their experiences also serve as an incredibly valuable educational tool. Furthermore, The AFA is committed to making sure you’re well aware of all facets of family building. I provided live Twitter updates throughout the evening with some tidbits of information I’ve heard a dozen times before, but never cease to amaze me (if you missed them, check out our twitter page at http://www.twitter.com/amfertassoc). Since my wife and I aren’t trying to have a child yet, the infertility prevention series is of incredible value to me - each time I attend. At this point, I’m simply an outsider looking in, and by doing so from this vantage point, I may one day look back and think this is the best lesson I’ve ever learned.
Categories
Family Building •
Fertility •
Fertility Preservation •
Frozen Embryos •
Infertility •
IUI
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Happy Pride!
June 15, 2009 - Monday
Posted by admin
I had been looking forward to BrooklynPride Day for weeks. The AFA decided to set up a tent there so we could speak to people about family building and for me this was so amazing, because BrooklynPride takes place in my own backyard, along Prospect Park in Park Slope. I was really looking forward to having my friends, neighbors and especially my own kids stopping by The AFA tent, as well as the 5,000 visitors who typically come to Park Slope for this annual event. I strolled it last year with Connor and Caitlin but at that time, the three of us were much more intent on the baba ghanoush and costume jewelry available for sale, than on the information available. What a difference a year makes!
I knew I would want to write a blog entry about the event, but last week when I visualized my words on paper, I thought I would call this entry Gay is the New Black. Which I like as a title a lot. But the truth is, that title didn’t fit the spirit of this amazing day, which was simply, Pure Happiness.
Ken (Mosesian, The AFA’s Executive Director) had threatened to buy me a teeshirt with “Middle Aged Straight Woman” written on it to wear to Pride, but mercifully, he didn’t. Instead the four of us showed up in our regular clothes: Dr. Jessica Brown and Dr. Cristina Matera, both of Madison Women’s Health & Fertility, plus Melinda Micciola,The AFA’s Director of Operations and me. Madison Women’s has always been a safe, compassionate practice for single women, gay or straight, to go to and we were honored to have them sponsor our tent.
The whole neighborhood was out there it seemed. Lots of couples of every kind, proud to show off loving pda’s. I’ve never seen so many cute dogs wearing colorful bandanas. My fave moment? The cutest 6 month old baby boy wearing an “I Love My Two Moms teeshirt”, happily utilizing an AFA directory cd as a chew toy.
At the tent, we were knee deep in people who wanted to talk to all of us.
I have to tell you, Saturday made me so happy. I love talking to people, and so many stopped by our booth. Their faces were so eager and open, and gawd, so many of them were very young! At least to me. There was one young woman who was intent on freezing her eggs - until Melinda and I explained to her that as a 34 year old lesbian, freezing her embryos was a better choice. Another woman was grateful to hear from someone point blank that she should move onto IVF or IVM after 8 unsuccessful IUI’s. She said that no one had told her that before. And of course, we fell in love with Anthony and Ricky, what a handsome couple. They are currently keeping their fingers crossed that their adoption will come through.
We spoke to the earnest faced kids who go to Harvey Milk High School. Two of them in particular were glad to get specific info about their potential to be moms and dads someday, information that they were comfortable taking home to their parents that night.
I especially loved connecting with Rev. Elizabeth Alexander, the Pastor of The Church of Gethsemane. What a cool woman. I’ve never seen so many colors worn at once, so amazingly well. She spoke to me a little bit about how hard it was for her to come out - to the LGBT community - as a Presbyterian pastor. I could have spoken to her for hours, and am looking forward to her soon to come contribution to this page as a blogger.
There were so many more. They kept stopping by, even when the rain couldn’t hold out any longer.
You know it’s funny. We as professionals in this world of family building take so much for granted. We think that everyone out there is as up to speed on their baby making options as we are. But you know what? They’re not. Gay or straight, it really doesn’t matter. We have a lot of work to do to make sure - to make really sure - that people know and understand what they can do so that they make the right choices early on, and protect themselves and their futures.
Happy Pride everyone!
Corey Whelan
Program Director
The American Fertility Association
Categories
Adoption •
Egg Freezing •
Family Building •
Gay and Lesbian Family Building •
LGBT
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Adventures of a Thirty Something Married Man… at Manicures & Martinis San Francisco
June 10, 2009 - Wednesday
Posted by admin
A brilliant idea set forth and put into motion late last year by our Program Director (and frequent blogger) Corey Whelan. I must admit, at first, I was reluctant to support having the staff devote the time and energy necessary to make these things work. I was wrong, but then again…I’m a guy…who’s married…so I’m used to it. What guy is going to walk into a room full of people to discuss infertility? Chances are, I wouldn’t, and I know my buddies wouldn’t - instead we’d have a Bromantic getaway to the Rave 12 Cinemas to see The Hangover (great flick guys). I’m not a woman, so it’s hard for me to judge their perspective as it is for most husbands.
The AFA’s Manicures & Martinis Infertility Prevention Series targets young women; though anyone can attend…and they do. I had the honor and privilege of hosting Tuesday night’s event at Nova Nail Spa in San Francisco, where Dr. Marcelle Cedars of UCSF spoke to 37 young women and one man. That one man stood at the back of the house and observed. It wasn’t until the end he asked if I organized the event (don’t tell Corey I said “Yes”). After speaking with him for a few minutes he opened up. His wife was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and the chemotherapy she went through probably harmed her ability to conceive a child naturally. The two already have a son. His wife was too shy to come; so he came for her - not wanting a manicure or martini, but simply three minutes with Dr. Cedars. He got it. Now that’s true love. Facing not a room of men talking about std’s, how hot tubs affect sperm, and the issue of why the testicles hang outside of the body, but rather a group of women talking about these exact topics…in detail nonetheless.
Dr. Cedars managed to captivate the crowd for a complete hour and fifteen minutes. Not a soul in the room let out a peep; some took notes; most asked questions. Questions ruled: ranging from exercising during pregnancy to whether endometriosis causes infertility to how ‘water tobacco’ affects fertility. This event was really like nothing I’ve ever seen. The only other Manicures & Martinis event I have attended was the debut event in Manhattan several months ago, but that was our first and we’ve learned and improved a lot since then. At this event, the attendees wouldn’t stop thanking me, praising Dr. Cedars (who stuck around for an extra full thirty minutes afterwards to answer personal questions, by the way), and asking when Manicures & Martinis would return to San Francisco. With the wait list in excess of 15, it’s probably safe to say we’ll be back. The one man, you ask? Well, he’s planning to tell his wife more about the event and is even considering the drive South to Laguna Niguel for our next event on Tuesday, June 16th, which is filling up. I promised to save two seats for him and his wife.
Clearly my ‘Manicure & Martini reluctance’ has completely diminished. The success of this program leads me to believe this series should hit every US city with a population of more than, let’s say…200,000. By the way, I managed to drag my wife to The Hangover last week and the answer is ‘Yes,’ I would absolutely attend Manicures & Martinis in her place. I might even go so far as to recommend guys attend this event of their own free will. Really.
If you haven’t been to Manicures & Martinis, please do. You’ll have the chance as it’s on the way to a city near you.
Brian Armentrout
Communications Director
Related Links:
Manicures & Martinis - Laguna Niguel - June 16th
Archived Twitter Updates from Tuesday Night’s Manicures & Martinis:
UCSF Center for Reproductive Health where Dr. Cedars practices
Nova Nail Spa where event was held
Categories
Family Building •
Fertility •
Fertility Preservation •
Infertility •
Reproductive Health
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