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The American Fertility Association Blog
Story of the Three Must-Haves
June 19, 2009 - Friday
Posted by admin
When my partner and I decided to get pregnant, the first step was finding a sperm donor who would help us conceive a child. Over the course of our attempt to get pregnant, we used one known donor and 5 anonymous donors.
We initially focused on finding a known donor because we wanted our child to have the potential to know this person when they were older. We established a few criteria: they must be in a monogamous relationship, should have children, and who was willing to be identified as the donor. We didn’t want him to co-parent, but we did hope he would be open to being in our lives as a friend. We approached a few of our friends, and a couple even approached us.
Not surprisingly, many declined because they didn’t feel they could remain uninvolved, especially those with children. These men are great fathers, and though they wanted to help us, they were afraid of remaining uninvolved with a child that was biologically related to them. A couple times, it was the female partner who offered their male partners’ gametes. These conversations often originated after a few drinks, and both time the men rescinded their partners’ offer. Many times, these conversations were light-hearted and respectful, but didn’t progress beyond the initial inquiry. After a year, we finally found someone who was interested in helping out and he underwent testing. We hired lawyers specializing in family law to draw up the legal contracts which would protect everyone’s rights, but we found out he would still have to sign over his parental rights after a child was born so that Barbara could adopt. We ended the agreement when no pregnancies occurred after a year of trying at home inseminations with fresh semen, and we remain friends with him to this day.
Rather than re-initiate the whole process of finding a known donor, we decided to turn to an anonymous sperm bank to provide the missing gametes. We started the process with a long list of criteria which included a decent sense of humor, not too religious, blue or green eyes, no family cancer history, between 5’9” and 6’2,” European descent, and willing to be known when the child turned 18. Many sperm banks offer a range of information for free and for a small fee. Most even offer a photo matching service where the non-biological parent (male or female) can send a picture and a donor with similar features will be suggested. Sperm banks are pretty similar in policies and information, but there was tremendous diversity in costs, free online information, and availability of donors. In addition to having a wide range of choices, there were clear legal benefits to using an anonymous donor that protected us from a potential parental challenge we could have faced from a known donor.
We used five different donors from two banks before we finally got pregnant via IVF and ICSI. The longer it took to get pregnant, the shorter our criteria list got until we ended up with three “must-haves.” Those must-haves included no family history of cancer, a height range, and someone willing to be known in the future. The earlier list reflected our personal values and physical characteristics, but in the end, our number one goal was to have a baby. We achieved that goal, met the three must-have criteria, and realized that it didn’t really matter if the donor had a sense of humor or a happy childhood. The only things that really mattered were that our son would be loved, nurtured, and cared for by two loving parents thanks to the help of a third person’s generosity. I don’t know if the young man knows the joy he has brought to our life, but I hope we get a chance to meet him some day and thank him in person.
Sierra Hansen
Categories
Donor Sperm •
Family Building •
IUI •
IVF •
LGBT •
Sperm Donation
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